How often I found myself seduced by the “scarcity” principle. I lived by chance, seeking outside myself to experience pleasure, satisfaction, and accomplishment. My life was lead by conditions outside myself and had to be controlled and at times manipulated, with white lies and tall tales. At least that what went on in my mind. The promise of: maybe next time, if only that then this, what’s wrong with them, left my mind in a quandary of mixed feelings and direction at best and buried pain that would be to painful to reveal.
Feeling locked in I worked harder, sucked it up and marched on. All the while deep inside I felt that something was missing, a promise unkept, this was all wrong and not really worth the reward. I have education, good with people, adaptable, teachable, and knew how to present myself yet “too much was never enough” seem to be my foundation and didn’t fit how I really felt. Everything in my rational opinion looked good on the outside and I had not a clue of what was going on “inside” me. It was a seeming rat nest of mixed feelings. Denial became my welcome friend.
After 33 years of living by the world’s standards my tolerance for pain reached an intolerable limit. Now I look at it as a good thing, though at the time it felt like crashing and burning against a wall of the unknown. I began, without realizing it, a Divine Practice. A practice of surrender within to stillness and awakening to a reality where I had to believe in something greater than myself. This Presence at the time I thought of as Peace. God was in my childhood Episcopal upbringing as something out there in a far away heaven that I don’t qualify for. I truly respect that view but I could not personally digest it.
I had no personal connection to God. Mystical arts I appreciated as I was, I don’t know how, “gifted” in the psychic areas and could move pendulums, etc. very easily with my mind. I sensed feeling allot and did not know what to do with them. I began to realize my mind was more than what I thought. As I opened my mind in private I was given answers and visions of what I was to do, with results being sound motivation and clarity with internal focus. I found I was a Soul with a physical body, in this world but not of this world. Thus the beginning of a Divine Practice was born.
I have since realized that the only truth I can see is seen through you and the One Mind we are. You are my reflection and there is a process to experience unlimited inner Peace with understanding that can not be broken by failure or inflated by success. I have learned to cling to nothing and resist not the moment of now. I invite you join me in this Journal of Inner Healing.
© 2004-2011, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org
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