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October-December, 2010

A Path of Depression

by Rev. Barbara Siegel

I went to visit my 93 year old father who is in a rehab/nursing home in Denver. For 92 years, he was fine, but the last year has seen a decline in his health to the point that there is nothing more that can be done to make him well.

If my father realizes he is facing his life’s end, he hasn’t let on to any of us. He still talks about going back to live in his condo, playing golf and taking his wife to Rome. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not.

According to a book I am reading, The Journey Home: Preparing for Life‘s Ultimate Adventure, by Ann V. Graber, Ph.D., it is not good to be in denial. Dr. Graber calls it “Resignation.” She says that “Resignation is a stagnant state, devoid of the initiative to take care of the unfinished business in one’s Life: Life events are not being reviewed, repressed anger is not being dealt with, fears are not acknowledged, tears are not being shed, and closure does not occur — neither with the people in one’s life, nor with the responsibilities life brought with it.”

Perhaps a lack of closure is what I felt when I returned home to St. Louis. My father and I didn’t shed any tears together or say our last goodbye’s. I had no feeling that he had found peace with where he was and I had not found peace with leaving him. Even with all my spiritual training, guilt and sadness jumped in and grabbed hold of me.

My reaction? I got very, very sick. I had a terrible cold and cough. It took all the energy I could muster, to get up, shower and lay back down on the bed. This went on for over two weeks and two visits to the doctor to make sure I didn’t have pneumonia (which I didn’t).

I knew I was depressed, I knew the illness was a result of my grief over my father and my own fear of death. Instead of witnessing the drama with compassion as my spiritual training had taught me, I became part of it. I knew what had happened, I just didn’t know how to get out. I realized I would have to force myself to do things I may not “feel” like doing to get myself out of this depression. “Small steps are okay,” I told myself, “any step is good.” So I grabbed a book off my bookshelf and headed to Starbuck’s for a latte.

The book I grabbed was The Miracle of Mindfulness, A Manual on Meditation, by Thich Nhat Hanh. I had read this book years ago. It seemed pretty basic, but I believed that Spirit had led me to it for a reason, so, latte in hand, I found a seat outside and I began to read.

What I quickly realized in this simple, yet deeply profound philosophy, was that mindfulness was my path out of this depression. Mindfulness brings us to the present moment. Mindfulness, as Thich Nhat Hanh says, is the way to “…take hold of your own consciousness.” He goes on to say that: “Mindfulness is the miracle by which we master and restore ourselves.”

As I read this little book and looked deeply into the meaning, I began to feel better. I became aware of the beautiful summer day, the blue sky and the soft puffs of clouds floating through it and remembered to think of my thoughts like those little clouds and to let them float by. My higher Self was emerging again, looking at the small self with love and non-judgment. Mind was observing mind, Self was observing self with the love of a parent who comforts a young child who has an emotional fear or pain. The parent listens, allows, doesn’t judge, and most of all, loves, and the strength of the love brings the child through.

Here I am three days later, and pretty much back to normal. I realize how much I need mindfulness. It is one of those things that sounds so simple yet is so difficult to really practice, especially in this society that admires the ability to multi-task. I bring myself back to it hundreds of times a day — walking, taking a shower, washing my hair, drinking a cup of coffee, writing this blog and everything in-between. When I remember to be mindful, I also bring gratitude — thank you for the beautiful day to walk, thank you for the hot water to shower, thank you for the shampoo and it’s wonderful smell.

Perhaps gratitude is the opposite of depression. What do you think?

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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