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October-December, 2015

Awakening Through My Special Relationships — Part 5: My Frenchman

by Rev. Linda LaCasse, O.M.C.

This article is Part 5 in a series of articles of Holy Spirit’s use of my special relationships for the purpose of healing. It picks up where I left off in Part 4 with the miracles I experienced prior to traveling to Europe to visit my daughter, Danielle and alluding to more miracles while there which led to my living a miraculous life today. 

I arrived in Paris a week before Christmas, 2011. I could not have been happier! Not only was I about to be united with my daughter who reflects my love and joy but I was in one of my favorite places, the city of lights and love. From the instant I saw my daughter jumping up and down trying to catch my eye on the other side of the window in the airport upon my arrival to the time she left me once I’d boarded the train from Strasbourgh back to Paris two weeks later to catch my flight, it was non-stop abundance of love, peace, joy and one-mindedness!

We also had a stow-away traveling with us; my mom’s spirit! On several occasions, my mom, who had traveled to Europe before but never to France, made her unmistakable presence known to me. I was so happy knowing that she was there with us! It was unnerving for Danielle but I was so grateful and thankful for my awareness of her presence and for my awareness that I can experience the world of the invisible — the miracles of mystic experiences.

Before embarking on this trip, I was very aware of an uneasiness threatening my happy anticipation. Holy Spirit let me know that it was because of what I had awaiting me upon my return; divorcing my husband. Here I was about to be united with the one who reflects my love, peace and joy so, of course, ego wanted to distract me with painful thoughts of separation to cause me guilt and fear. I didn’t know any of the particulars of what lay ahead once I returned from my travels; only that this is what I had to do. However, from experience, I knew Holy Spirit would never call me to do something He knew I wasn’t ready for nor would He have me do it without His constant loving aid and guidance.

A few years ago, I told my daughter that I wanted to share my life with the male version of her because of how she always seems to reflect my true Self back to me, my light, love, peace and joy. I told her this again as we traveled through Europe, for she knew what I was going to do when I got home. But oh, how was I to make this life change without her, the one whom Spirit had been using for years to speak to me? He knew and once I was back in Paris for my return flight, voila! I was given my answer - the male version of my Danielle had come for me!

It was Jan. 2, 2012, just a few hours since parting from Danielle. He was ahead of me in line for security at the airport in just the right spot for us to spot each other when the line turned and he was now heading toward me from the opposite direction. Just as Holy Spirit guided me to make all the arrangements for this trip of a life time, which Danielle and I had often talked about taking, He took care of arranging the special relationship I was to enter into with my English-speaking Frenchman, my male version of my Danielle, inside and out, for he had her beautiful dark features as well as the ability to reflect my true Self back to me.

We became acquainted and learned that not only were we on the same flight but that our seats were only two rows apart. After spending an hour conversing while waiting to board, we elected to try to sit next to each other for the nine hour flight to Philadelphia where we were to catch our connecting flights; his to Ottawa, Canada and mine to Detroit. We managed to arrange to sit together, per Spirit’s choreography and proceeded to get to know each other on a spiritual level I had never before experienced with a man. Never before had I experienced feeling so at peace, so free of fear or hesitation, so equal with a man I didn’t know, let alone such an extraordinarily handsome one. Our shared experience throughout the flight seemed to be a non-stop holy instant. I still vividly recall being so aware of seeing him as God sees me, innocent, even when he initiated physical contact, which I consented to and encouraged, as a means of communicating the intimacy we were experiencing spiritually. Yes, I was married but only legally and only for a while longer.

I was so aware of being free of guilt and fear, so free to be and extend love to this perfect stranger, for he was perfect for me as I was to learn before we parted that evening and in the coming months as Spirit prepared me for my greatest, most challenging forgiveness lesson. It’s the lesson we are all here to ultimately learn. I’d married twice to avoid having to learn it but Holy Spirit deemed me ready. The time was at hand and it had to be a very special man who would allow Spirit to use him to teach me, even if he did so unwittingly. It had to be the male version of my Danielle for me to be willing to learn what Spirit had to teach me.

Note: If something is meant to be, it will be. Before I left for France, my husband tried to persuade me to change my seat on the return flight to several rows from where I’d selected. The day before I was to leave France to return home, my husband informed me that he wasn’t ready for me to come home and offered to pay to have my departure date changed. I remained adamant about keeping my seat selection and my return flight intact. There’s never been a doubt in my mind that I was absolutely meant to meet my Frenchman so I could see what Holy Spirit knew I needed and fast! 

Holy Spirit wasted no time! What I was to see, learn and forgive had begun the minute my eyes met my Frenchman’s and we exchanged a knowing smile. It continued throughout the flight across the ocean, beckoning to me as we were the last to get off the plane and soon found ourselves in a mass of international and American travelers as five flights arrived all at once waiting to go through customs. I saw what lay ahead in the lines and told my Frenchman that I was probably going to miss my connecting flight, secretly hoping to, for he had a much longer layover than I did and I had no reason to hurry home. We made our way to our respective lines. He had to go through international customs as he was going on to Canada. We agreed to meet at my gate to say good bye.

Before I knew it, I was whisked through customs. I turned around to look for my Frenchman but to no avail. He was lost to my vision in a sea of faces. I stood there, searching in vain. There were just too many people. I turned and walked away, confused about what to do, even where to go. I simply followed other travelers in the direction of what I presumed were the gates. It seemed so surreal being able to know what all the signs said but still not knowing where to go. Seeing everything in English suddenly seemed so foreign. I walked as slowly as I possibly could, constantly turning and looking back, hoping to see him coming for me. 

I soon found myself in line waiting to go through security. As I tried to collect my thoughts, I was very aware of the panic rising in the voices of fellow travelers, hearing their fear of missing their flights. I had no such fear. I wanted to miss my flight! I could miss my flight and take a later one! The power to choose was mine! I needed only to ask Holy Spirit what choice I was to make.

I was so aware that I simply wanted to make this man happy by waiting for him so we could say goodbye after having shared so much. After all, I knew more about him in 9 hours than I did my first husband in 15 years! I conversed with Spirit, checking in to see if I were trying to feed my ego. I knew I had no expectations, no attachment to any outcome. In that instant, I experienced the miracle of my changed mind regarding giving love to a man without any desire or need to get anything in return. In that miracle was Holy Spirit’s answer. I missed my flight and after what seemed an eternity and fearing that I’d somehow missed him, my Frenchman appeared in the distance.

In all my life I had never seen a man’s face light up and look as happy as his when he saw me, saw that I had given him what he wanted and had feared losing, a chance to see me again. I’d waited years for him to come for me. Of course, I’d wait for him to come for me a second time! I couldn’t help but think of his happiness reflecting mine the instant I awaken to see God waiting to for me to come for Him and He’ll take the last step to take me Home with Him.

No words, no fear. Only love, peace and joy filled our one mind. I knew he wasn’t real, that I had made him up for I heard Holy Spirit tell me this as I was just about to ask him if he were for real. He was precisely what I had called for and I was free to let it be. We both knew as the time arrived for us to catch our flights that we might never see each other again. In that moment and the rest of the way home, I was so peaceful and happy in my awareness of being freed of the need to know what was to happen, freed of the fear of not knowing.  Another miracle!

Holy Spirit wasted no time in showing me what was coming. As promised, my Frenchman had emailed me upon his return home and for the next 11 weeks we shared a love the likes of which I’d never known but definitely dreamed of! I was so happy and so was he as we communicated via phone calls and emails, getting to know each other more and more and making plans to reunite in person, which I insisted had to wait until after I moved out of the house once divorce proceedings had begun. I was committed to keeping the ego out of this, refusing to allow it to contaminate the sacredness in which I held our love.

This was a very important part of the lesson Spirit was teaching me, to hold only thoughts of love whenever ego attacked with thoughts of fear, tempting me to believe that the man I love was guilty, therefore undeserving of it. It is a lesson I have learned to become very proficient at and it has served me very well in my relationships ever since. It’s how I learned that I cannot love God while still fearing my brother.

Here’s the thing about the ego to which I have grown very accustomed, therefore have learned very painfully to be vigilant to forgive by releasing judgment: The closer I get in my awareness of God’s Love for me being real, the more vicious are the ego’s attacks. My special relationship with my Frenchman was no exception. In fact, the ego unloaded its entire arsenal on me in its attempt to get me to separate from my thoughts of love and send me reeling back into its clutches in hell by holding onto only thoughts of fear. It did so by the very illusion of separation and loss.

My Frenchman would not be coming for me this time. Despite his love for me, his beautiful tale of coming here to be with me was all a lie. I believe he truly wanted to but apparently he wasn’t able to and that is all I know. He disappeared with another tale he’d woven and we never got to say good-bye. I learned of his deceitful omission a couple of months later when I googled his name to see if I’d find an obituary but found he was very much alive and had omitted pertinent details of his life the day we met.  Suffice it to say, with determination and tenacity, I chose to trust it was all how it was supposed to be per Holy Spirit’s design, for only He knows what I need and what’s best for me. I certainly have no clue!

Of course, the ego waited to attack until after I’d moved into my apartment with my daughter, Stephanie and after learning of her continued heroin addiction. Devastated wasn’t the word for it nor was I heart broken. It was worse than that; to borrow a line — my hope had been broken. How could I possibly hope to trust myself to ever again believe anything a man told me? How could I hope to trust my daughter? How could I hope trust myself to do anything? All the ego wanted me to see was the mess I’d gotten myself into for leaving my home where I’d been safe and secure for 9 years, albeit it very unhappy. Rather resembles the tiny mad idea that I’d left my home in heaven because I wasn’t happy without specialness, doesn’t it?

The greatest forgiveness lesson I was to finally agree to learn after two marriages and two divorces had just begun. And along with this lesson came the miracles I created with Holy Spirit which have led me to living the miraculous life I am today in which I experience an abundance of love, peace and joy as well as at least one miracle daily. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I received a miracle when I gave all my thoughts of my Frenchman to Holy Spirit to look upon and judge for me. Because of my love for him, I chose to continue to see only his innocence. His story, whatever it was, simply didn’t matter. Yes, it was still incredibly sad and painful but I knew forgiving all that appeared to be was the only way to be healed. The miracle was learning to see the illusion differently, to see that this man had to come for me when he did, lead me to believe all he had and that he had to disappear when he did. It was all divinely designed by Spirit! This man was not the reason I left my marriage but the motivation I needed. It was his love, admiration, support, appreciation and the hope he gave me that Holy Spirit knew I needed to make the necessary change for my continued growth. I learned to see so clearly that Spirit spoke through my male version of my Danielle the same as He always had her!  I also saw so clearly that I had to move out when I did for Spirit knew what was coming; my husband was going to lose his job. If I had waited, I would’ve been too wrought with guilt and fear for leaving and needing spousal support when my husband was informed a few months later that his high income job was being eliminated. The timing of it all was just too perfect for it not to have been divinely designed.

Throughout it all, I never stopped thanking Holy Spirit for what He was showing me. I was advanced enough in ACIM to know that I had to see it all as reflecting my unconscious guilt and fear for believing the lie of the ego, that I’d done this very thing to God and now He hates me. The ego wanted me to see my Frenchman this way, and I did for about a week but I chose again by diligently and vigilantly giving all my thoughts, both of love and fear, to Spirit to judge for me and asking to see it all differently. Again, ACIM saved me from drowning in a sea of fear.

The greatest lesson Holy Spirit showed me very clearly that I was to learn was to depend completely on and trust implicitly in Him and never a man again. No more following the ego’s thought, “seek but do not find.” Only Spirit can provide for my every need, want and desire. It simply cannot be found in an illusion! Holy Spirit had me where He knew I needed to be, without a man to rescue me and very aware that I had only one choice to make, for I had come way too far to go running back to ego.

For the next two years, I committed to disciplining my mind to learn this lesson. I have also kept the promise my Frenchman asked me to make to him, to never forget that he can never forget me. Of course, this reflects my healing mind, my awareness of God’s love for me and mine for Him. I can never forget that God cannot forget me nor can I ever again forget Him. I see so clearly that my Frenchman and God are one for I am one with God as I am so aware of being one with my Frenchman, for we can never be separated from our brother nor from God. There simply is no separation or specialness. There is only love and nothing else is real. 

I will always love my Frenchman, one of my many saviors. I will always be grateful and thankful to and for him and for his playing his role precisely as I scripted him to and for Holy Spirit’s use of him. I am where I am on my journey to awakening to the truth within me, that I am love, because of my willingness to let Holy Spirit show me how to see my Frenchman differently from what the ego wanted me to see. His innocence reflects my own. I also allowed Holy Spirit to condense time so I won’t have to learn this forgiveness lesson again.

By the way, this was not my first time being duped by a lover this way. But it is the last time I will ever depend on an illusion for what I need, want and desire. I see this in the special relationship I am in currently but the miracles I am experiencing from Holy Spirit’s use of him I am saving for a future article.

Follow along to see who came for me when I called for him and how Holy Spirit used two previous relationships to show me my healing in this current one, which is turning out to be the best ride ever!

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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