Miracles News

April-June, 2017

Awakening Through My Special Relationships — Part 6

by Rev. Linda LaCasse, O.M.C.

Rev. Linda LaCasseBeginning two and a half years ago, I had a series of articles published in Miracles News telling of my story of how Spirit had used specific special relationships to lead me to living a miraculous life. The last article left off alluding to the article that was to follow of Spirit’s use of the relationship I was currently in at that time in 2014 in which I experienced much hopefulness, for I was witness to so much healing of my past. I was hopeful that this relationship would reflect back to me my relationship with God.

But that article was delayed until now for I had taken a detour with this relationship and fell down the rabbit hole, following it to the very bottom, to the core of my unconscious guilt where I discovered my deepest, darkest fear lay buried.

This fear was even more agonizingly painful than what I’d thought my worst fear was — that God wouldn’t wait for me to be healed because I took too long.

That insane fear was exposed and healed in this relationship, giving me every ounce of strength and courage I needed to face the darkest and most terrifying fear of all.

The time has come for me to share my story of falling to the lowest possible point in darkness and enduring it for as long as it took; then flying up into the Light once again and higher than ever before with Spirit holding my hand through it all; and of the miraculous healing of this unholy special relationship to a holy one in my mind, the only place it ever occurred and leading me straight into the only Real relationship there is, the one with God and my Self.

A Course In Miracles teaches that Holy Spirit is a most unconventional teacher and I am witness to this truth as He used a most unconventional man to teach me a most unconventional lesson in letting go of the ego.
It was a lesson that I thought I had learned in the past after healing from my previous and very short lived relationship with a Frenchman. Turns out, I had so much more to learn about letting go and this lesson showed me the source of all my guilt, fear, self-loathing and hatred — specialness — In short, all the barriers to love’s presence in my awareness which I’d put there.

It took me straight into the dark night of the soul in which I faced what I needed to uncover and allow to be corrected — the source of all my suffering in every form it has ever appeared — my fear of being wrong and the guilt and shame of being found out, exposed and then corrected by punishment from love itself, specifically in the form of it leaving me. Sound familiar?

Until this relationship, I had no idea how deep and dark this fear was for me, how deeply ingrained was my concept of and belief in guilt and shame. I realized that past relationships had only scratched the surface and prepared me for what was to come once Spirit knew I was ready and willing, despite my ego resistance all the way down!

To accept this lesson fully and completely this time around after so many times before in past relationships I had to be willing to remove the blame from God, which meant I had to own it! It wasn’t God’s fault that I was here but my own! I was shown by Spirit throughout this special relationship how terrified the ego is of being exposed as a wrong belief and being let go of by my accepting the Atonement — the correction of the wrong thought and belief system.

With Spirit’s use of this man, I painstakingly learned to see what I believe I did to God by what I was doing with my lover — blaming him for my upsets which were all based on my need to be special. I perceived this man’s ways as being the reason for my thoughts of lack and limitation, scarcity, loss and specialness, all my fears of love, all I did not want. I finally learned to see how I projected all my ego thoughts onto him; thus did he appear this way.

Choosing what I knew I did not want when on the first date with this man, but allowing myself to ignore the red flags and become involved with him anyway, proved to be my most painful and challenging forgiveness lesson to date as an ACIM student.

What made it so was my severely harsh judgment of myself for knowing better but still choosing the ego, for I had come so far and experienced so much healing! I thought I was so much further along! I was peaceful and content. How could I have allowed myself to become involved with a self-professed unavailable man?

He was the epitome of the very thing I did not want yet I must have, for nothing can come to me unbidden by myself. It was the equivalent of asking how I could have allowed myself to choose the ego over God in the instant the tiny mad idea of separation seemed to have occurred.

And this madness of ignoring the red flags throughout the relationship continued for I feared leaving the lesson too soon and having to continue it with someone else down the road every bit as much as I feared having to let go of the magnificent form I manifested with my thoughts, reflecting my fear of letting go of my ego identity. Not knowing what to do was so hard and painful. All I could do was trust Spirit every time I asked and heard these words, “Do nothing but trust me.”

I’d given the appearance of this man on my stage to Spirit to control as soon as we met and take control He did! For all the ego’s temptations to fear this man would crush and destroy me if I found out how wrong I was to become involved with him despite his claims that he brought me no harm, I never forgot to trust in Spirit’s answer when I asked Him in the very beginning what I was to do about this man. His answer was this: “Trust my use of this man to take you to the next higher realm of your learning. It’s going to go very fast but I know you’ll hang on and you are going to challenge him as much as he challenges you.”

I shall spare you the needless details of the ego’s game as it played out for a little over a year per the script but suffice it to say it was as painful and insane as it was playful and divinely loving. This man played his part perfectly, reflecting all the world to me and all my fears of it with his stories of his past as well as his inconsistencies, contradictions and empty promises. He knew every button to push to trigger my fear. And all the while, he’d point out my ego and my need to control it whenever I challenged him with a question because I was confused and called for love because I wanted to see only his innocence. This is how I challenged him. This is how I knew Spirit was using him. This man knew my mind as well as his own because they are one!

I have come to learn about narcissistic personality disorder since leaving the relationship and moving, per Spirit’s guidance to Minnesota — the one state in the union I swore all my life I’d never live in. But that’s a miraculous story to be shared in my next article. What I have learned about this ego entrapment is that this man exhibited every single trait of the disorder. But instead of allowing the ego to hook me and choose what I truly did not want, for it only brought me pain — to judge and hate this man thus myself, I chose what I truly did want — the undoing of the ego via Spirit’s corrected perception. I wanted to be free of all I believe I have done to God, as this man reflected all my guilt for me to see so clearly and undeniably!

With undeterred determination and tenacity and buckets upon buckets of tears, I begged Spirit to show me how to see this man not as a victimizer but as the manifestation of my thoughts, my fear of being able to trust Love, thus God. I knew beyond all doubt the truth that I was him and he was me. From the time we’d met, I was always aware that he reflected my True Self as well as my ego self. There was so much about him that I loved, for Spirit so clearly used him to speak to me in so many profound ways of things I already knew intuitively, had taught others and that have come to serve me so divinely since ending the relationship last summer in 2015. But at the same time, it was agonizingly frustrating because he didn’t walk his talk.

It was as if the entire relationship was a set up, for it seemed he was purposely setting me up to fail him by sabotaging my love whenever it got too close. It was so obvious to me that it was a set-up, the ego’s game of seek but do not find, that I was playing and fearful of it ending by either of us walking away. I was afraid of my ego because this man lived right around the corner from where I lived and worked. How could I let go and allow for healing when temptation to stay in contact was so near at all times?

It was my trust in Spirit that brought me to see that the time had come to acknowledge and accept the lesson had been maximized. I had had enough of the ego’s game I could never win and no longer enjoyed playing. It’s not what I wanted. I wanted forgiveness, to hold only thoughts of love and peace for this man but my ego self fought hard to remain in existence. It required every ounce of energy, extreme vigilance, diligence and time to forgive him and myself for all that I (ego) perceived we’d done.

What kept me inspired and strong amidst the brutally painful anguish and tears of the dark night of the soul for nearly a year after the relationship ended, as I let up the millennia of guilt so my wrong thoughts could be corrected by Spirit, was my constant gratitude and thanks for being shown how this man and I acted out the instant the tiny mad idea seemed to occur. I remembered not to laugh all the way to my learning how safe I am letting go of identifying with the ego and accepting the Atonement for myself and all the world. The effect of this cause? I remember to laugh regularly now at my remaining thoughts of separation!

I fully accept that I am so wrong to believe I am separated from God, from love. But instead of allowing myself to be terrorized by the guilt of my mistake and the shame of being corrected, I am deeply and eternally grateful and thankful for seeing the ego insanity acted out with this man in whom I saw the world and myself in it, as well as every man I’ve ever been in relationship with before him. All were reflections of my ego fear of God — my dad, my five brothers, my two ex-husbands as well as boyfriends and lovers, except the Frenchman with whom I witnessed only the reflection of my innocence that day we met in Paris and spent the next 11 hours together en route to our separate destinations — his in Canada and mine in the US while communicating our love for each other over the next three months.

That was five years ago and I continue to hold sacred my thoughts of the Frenchman, for Spirit’s use of him. And I am deeply grateful and thankful to be seeing that I am now willing to do the same with this man I was most recently in relationship with. It is beyond describable what it is to experience being free of the barriers to Love’s presence in my awareness that I witnessed being in place with him; to see him as my savior, for accepting the love he is and truly wanted for me. But I was too fearful to accept it because of guilt and shame from believing I separated from God and then blamed Him.

I am humbly and deeply grateful and thankful to share that the effects of the cause — allowing Spirit to correct my wrong thoughts and beliefs — are abundant peace, contentment and happiness beyond what I have ever experienced in the past or could have imagined, and for the safety that comes from embracing the unknown!

There truly is no sacrifice in letting go of what is temporary, thus valueless! And in the place of what I made and allowed Spirit to use to undo it is my awareness that I’ve learned to fall into love with my Self! And this has been happening while I appear to be living in the state where I swore I’d never live, ha-ha! This reflects the undoing of my ego self which vowed it would never live in a state of peace, love and joy.

All praise, honor and glory be to God for showing me how wrong the ego self is and how truly safe I am accepting His correction — the Atonement! I do this work for my Self and all the world. It’s the only thing I know and know how to do. Love and hugs! ❦

Rev. Linda LaCasse Schneider is a Pathways of Light minister living in Eagan, Minnesota.
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