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October - December, 2009

Complete Surrender?

by Rev. Myron Jones

As I was journaling with the Holy Spirit I asked Him about goals. He suggested I write down my goals for today and then we would look together. I wrote that I needed to finish this project. Then I had a list of things that had to be done before my friends arrived. This list included things like getting dressed and cooking lunch. The longer my list became, the more stress I felt. This reminded me that my list was not complete. I added to it. “I want to step back and allow the Holy Spirit to guide the way. I want to remember my purpose.”

As I added these goals to the list I realized that my list was exactly backwards. I changed the order and stepping back and remembering my purpose went to the top. When I did that I realized that I did not need to finish the list of things to do.  If I would be willing to allow the Holy Spirit to lead me today, then I would not need a list. Could I set aside what I thought I needed to do? Could I set aside all decision-making and turn to the Holy Spirit in complete trust? Could I surrender the idea that I need to be in charge of my life?

I thought about that for a while. I have said that I want to be lived, but do I really?  What would I have to give up? I would not make decisions about what to do and in what order. I would not write any more stories. I would just watch the story already written as it unfolds as Myron’s life. I would have to give up the drama that comes with judgment as I simply observed the story of Myron’s life without deciding what it means. Would I miss that drama? Would I feel deprived if I wasn’t in charge of this life?

I decided to try. I sat at the computer after I wrote the last word and waited for a thought to appear. I thought to get up and take my shower. On the way I thought to put the rice on. I didn’t question the change in plans, or ask myself if that was the right order. I didn’t wonder if I should do something else instead. I just put the rice on and took my shower. While showering I did only that. I didn’t use the time to plan my next move or to decide what I would do when my friends arrived. I just enjoyed the feel of water and soap on my body.

I completed each chore exactly as it came to me to do it. Just as I finished the last thing that needed to be done, the first of my guests knocked on the door. Probably everything would have been done if I had made plans on my own, but by making no plans on my own and following Guidance instead, my morning went smoothly and was completely stress free.

Since then I have fallen back into the habit of trying to be in charge of my life. I notice that it is a lot more stressful. I forget things I need to do. My mind is in conflict nearly all the time as I argue with myself about what to do and when. I see that there are whole blocks of time I am living unconciously. I could not even tell you what I did because my mind was someplace else; in the future or in the past. It was focused everywhere except now. I seem to be missing my life.

It is not hard to allow myself to be lived. It is a little harder to want to do this. However, I am motivated to try again because the first time was so peaceful. I am beginning this day by reminding myself that not I, but Christ through me this day will be done.

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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