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July-September, 2015

Fear, Doubt and Trust, Forgetting Then Remembering

by Maura Williams

I’m a minister in training through Pathways of Light. Rev. John Vise is my facilitator, which means he is walking with me through the course curriculum. It has been an awesome journey for me. Since February, we have been meeting almost every week to do this work.  Now, I’m going to back up a week and tell you I had a dream that was very meaningful to me. I had a similar dream right after I started my ministerial training and I felt it was given to me to show me I was on the right track.

I started out doing this work because I realized I had told God “no” pretty much my whole life. I believed in God, but I always put conditions on Him. I was always afraid to completely give myself to Him. This was my way of saying, “Yes! I’ll do whatever you want me to do.” And this dream felt like a continuation of my saying, “Yes.”

Two days after the dream, I got an interpretation. This may sound strange to you, but I believe God’s voice speaks to me all through the day. Lesson 49 says, “The part of your mind in which truth abides is in constant communication with God, whether you are aware of it or not. The part that is listening to God is calm, always at rest and wholly certain.” I won’t say I was “wholly certain,” but two days after the dream, I was willing to be still and listen and this was the interpretation I received:

Knowledge is Power — Power is gentle. Power is patient and kind. Look at the lioness. She is very powerful but very gentle with her cubs. True power is gentle, because true power is Love.

Knowledge — To you, knowledge comes from text. Not knowledge, but Knowledge. (I realized we’re talking about Knowledge with a capital K.) There are many ways to know. You Know in your sleeping dreams and you Know in your waking dreams, but you are not aware that you Know. Sometimes knowing requires faith and belief. Often you know, but can’t see with your eyes what you know.

In your dream you were confronted with doubt in yourself. You weren’t sure, but you were quiet and you were patient and peaceful, even though you didn’t understand. Doubt and fear will always be with you unless you give them to Me. Your dream shows you that you know this. And you do trust yourself.

This dream was given to you to show you that you Know. You Know Love is your true Power. You know now, there are many ways to Know. And you know that you Know, but you don’t know why. The “why” doesn’t matter. Trust and believe. Give all your doubt and fear to me and walk through this world in Peace.

You would think I would have taken those words to heart and given my doubt and fear to the Holy Spirit. Now, I’m going to tell you about how I forgot and how someone helped me remember to trust and to believe.

A few months ago, John asked me if I would write down the story of how I got to be where I am today, so he could submit it to Pathways of Light for their publication, Miracle News. I had already written what I called “My Story” and I gave it to him and he sent it in and it appeared in the April-June edition of Miracles News.

At the time it was published, he told me I would probably receive emails from people wanting to know more about me and my article. I had received one email from a very nice man encouraging me in my Pathways study, which I thought was very sweet, and I thanked him for his encouragement, but that was all.

Seven days after I had the dream, I get an email from someone (whom I will call Sylvia — not her real name) who read the article. This is the email I received:

Dear Maura,

I read your article online at Pathways and was very moved by it. I too, am having difficulty in “showing up as who I really am” in my marriage.

I have studied ACIM for 28 years. I struggle every day with what seems to be two different worlds. I have such fear about showing my husband who I really am. I know he really loves me, but does he really know me? If you would care to share how you approached that matter, I would love to hear about it.  Sylvia

I have to tell you that when I read that she’d studied ACIM for 28 years, I felt sunk. How on earth was I ever going to be able to help her? I’ve only studied for three or four years at best! The Holy Spirit let me know very quickly, it doesn’t matter. If you’re lost, you’re lost. 28 years or two minutes, it doesn’t matter.

It took me almost two hours to allow the Holy Spirit in me to put together an answer for Sylvia. When I was all finished, I was afraid to push the send button. Notice I didn’t say it took me two hours to write it. It took me two hours to be wholly certain I had listened to the Holy Spirit and delivered the message He had for her.

Even so, doubt welled up in me. My ego is a good question asker… I should say interrogator, and condemner and it had a ball with me. I’m not a minister yet. I’m a minister in training and I’m no therapist. So, I did what any self-respecting minister in training would do: I called John, my facilitator. He was getting ready to go to work on a very busy day, but he still took the time to listen to her question and my answer. He said what I’d written was a “masterpiece.” I told him that was because I didn’t write it.

But he also said I needed to address something in the reply and I’ll share that with you when we get there. He is so good at seeing through all the ego stuff and into the heart of the matter. Someday, I’ll learn to listen as well as he does.
This is what I wrote back to Sylvia:

Dear Sylvia, 

It’s so nice to hear from you. It means a lot to me that you were moved by my article. Writing helps me put things in the right perspective. Even writing this email is helpful, because I get to look again at what I did and how I did it. Thank You!

I can tell you that the change in me didn’t come overnight. It was a process and still is. It started with noticing the fear inside of me. I was terrified of myself. The Course talks about this a lot. We’re afraid of ourselves because of what we think we’ve done — separated ourselves from God.

I wasn’t sure what I was or what I had become. When I looked at my husband I was sure I didn’t know him, and wasn’t sure I wanted to know him. (We’ve been married over 30 years) I had to face all that fear with the Holy Spirit and let Him help me sort that junk out. I guess that would be the willingness. I think that was really the hardest part, overcoming the fear. I didn’t do it myself. I learned to give everything to the Holy Spirit when I didn’t understand, and know that I wasn’t alone in dealing with fear.

I learned to accept fear as it came up in my mind and ask the Holy Spirit to help me look at it without judgment. Fear wasn’t so terrifying anymore. Fear is just fear, another opportunity to look at something with the Holy Spirit. Once I stopped judging myself, a lot of it just went away. Then I felt more peaceful and could accept the truth and allow healing into my life.

[This is the part John said I needed to clarify. He said her question showed that she had forgotten who she is, and that I needed to be very clear with her about the truth and the dishonesty I found in my own life. He asked me, “What was it you were denying by being dishonest?” The answer was plain as day and this is what I wrote:]

There is only one Truth about me: “I am as God created me.” My dishonesty showed me I was denying the Truth about me. Accepting Truth into my life meant I had to be more honest. The more I looked at my life and saw how dishonest I was, I couldn’t believe it. I began to see dishonesty as denial of this Truth. I was then able to stop trying to manipulate and control everyone and everything around me by believing in separation. This often meant I had to displease my husband. It was awkward, because I was such a people pleaser. Learning to be more honest brought me a lot of peace.

I had to be willing to let go, to let go of everything — my self-concept, my concept of marriage, my concept of my husband. I had to be willing to let it all go. I had to put down all my assessment of the world and of myself. I’m still working on this. I think it will take a lifetime, because we are so programmed to judge and condemn, compare and contrast, weigh the possibilities, etc.

I, of myself, truly know nothing. Letting go sounds so terrifying but it is so freeing. I’m also working on letting go of a lot of things I’ve collected over the years. Many of these things were handed down to me by my family but, I’m no longer using them and my kids don’t want them. It’s time to de-clutter my house, and in doing so, it feels like I’m de-cluttering my life.

With all those things stripped away from me, I was totally defenseless and I was still okay. I learned you are never not okay. The Comforter of God is in you. Peace is always there inside. It’s only when we resist any of the fearful things we think we see that we feel fearful. When we learn to embrace the fear that comes up for healing, life becomes much easier, much more fun and very meaningful.

I don’t think I can stress enough that this is a process and I’m still a work in progress. It didn’t happen overnight. There were times I loved my husband more than I ever had loved him before and there were times I felt I hated him more than I’d ever hated anyone. I was always brought back to the realization that there is nothing outside of me.

It’s all projection, so I’m still dealing with what’s inside. I’ve always felt a deep conviction that I gave him to myself to learn from him. I’ve seen so many people get divorced and remarried and end up dealing with the same unresolved stuff from their last marriage in another spouse. I’ve always felt the need to go back to him and work things out. He is truly a good man and I’m very thankful he’s chosen to walk through this world with me. Our relationships are where we do the most Course work. It only takes one person to change a relationship completely.

Lesson 139 is my lesson for today: I will accept Atonement for myself. It speaks so clearly to me and maybe to you too.

We have a mission here. We did not come to reinforce the madness that we once believed in. Let us not forget the goal that we accepted. It is more than just our happiness alone we came to gain. What we accept as what we are proclaims what everyone must be, along with us. Fail not your brothers, or you fail yourself. Look lovingly on them that they may know that they are part of you, and you of them.

This does the Atonement teach, and demonstrates the Oneness of God’s Son is unassailed by his belief he knows not what he is. Today accept Atonement, not to change reality, but merely accept the truth about yourself, and go your way rejoicing in the endless Love of God. It is but this we are asked to do. It is but this we will do today. (W-p.I.139.8-9)

Your story may be very different from mine, but the fear to look within is always the same. The Course says we only have two emotions, love and fear. If you feel fear, it’s a call for Love, so be kind to yourself. Your husband can only know you as much as you know and accept yourself. Don’t judge yourself, your husband or your situation. Know you are guided. Know you are loved and loving and everything is working out for your good. I apologize for the length of this email. I’m so grateful you contacted me and I hope sharing my story has helped.

Peace and love, Maura

I would love to tell you that I sent that email and just let go of the outcome, but that would be a lie. I fretted; I worried; I wondered and I prayed a lot. In that time, the Holy Spirit started dealing with me about the responsibility I was feeling

In not letting go, I was assuming the Holy Spirit’s job. When I realized this, it was easier to relax. I am God’s Child, not His parent. I’m not responsible for anything but my own thoughts, words and actions. Sylvia asked me a question and I had answered her honestly. My part was over. The Holy Spirit could take it up from here. Her reply was there waiting for me.

Dear Maura,

I am in tears after reading this. You speak to all that I feel. I have never read a Pathways article online before. I don’t even remember how I got there yesterday and “stumbled” across yours. It is so true that we cannot do this alone. We all need each other and Holy Spirit/Jesus. You are already a miracle worker. You have spoken the words that I needed to hear. I have read them in ACIM a hundred times, but to have someone say them to me in a way that helps me to understand my own emotions is so powerful. I will cherish this forever. I too have a wonderful husband. And I must have given him to myself to learn from him. What a blessed thought. I truly intend to take all that you have said to heart and to practice the gift of your words.

Your answer to me was perfect. Every line is holy to me. And I believe that this answer is an entirely new article for Pathways that you have just written. I urge you to share it with everyone. We all need to hear this. It is Beautiful. You are a natural writer. Keep doing it. With deepest gratitude,  Sylvia

I wrote back: …and you, Sylvia, have been an answer to the doubt I often feel when I share my experiences with others. Thank you for your healing words.

My ACIM group often teases me about how much my husband changed after I started studying the Course. He is my mirror. If I remember that, I’m good.  Love, Maura

Wow! What can I say? It is miraculous what happens when we get out of the way and let the Holy Spirit work through us.

We truly can’t get Home by ourselves. We need other people to show us the way. We need other people to help us remember who we are. Sylvia helped me remember to trust and to give all my doubt and fear to the Holy Spirit.

My focus in the coming weeks is going to be on letting go of more of that doubt I often feel when I share my life experiences with others. Doing this will require me to trust. Trust for me is a deep reliance on God and the faith and belief that He knows what is best for me. Knowing this enables me to trust myself.

He created me like Himself. The Holy Spirit watches over me and can use anything I do for my good and for the good of all mankind. This way no one loses and that is God’s way. Sometimes this is hard for me to accept. A Course in Miracles says, “You are asked to trust the Holy Spirit only because He speaks for you. He is the Voice for God, but never forget that God did not will to be alone. He shares His Will with you; He does not thrust it upon you. Always remember that what He gives He keeps, so that nothing He gives can contradict Him. You who share His Life must share It to know It, for sharing is knowing.” (T-11.I.11:1-5)
“You who share His Life must share It to know It, for sharing is knowing.” (11:5)

This line rings so deep inside me. Sharing is knowing. Sharing is how I Know I’ve learned what the Course is trying to teach. I feel sharing is what I’ve been asked to do with my life. If I’m sharing my life, I’m not judging myself or others. I’m simply allowing the Holy Spirit to work through me to use my life as a living example to teach and to learn. I’m open. I’m honest. I’m defenseless, trusting and loving and I’m in my natural state of Peace. I’ve put myself in God’s hands and I’m very safe. I don’t need to worry about anything. There’s a bigger plan. I’m not the whole plan, just part of it.

And who do you think taught me this? A lot of people did. All of you did and John did. He has shared so openly and willingly with me through our Pathways of Light ministerial training work together. The morning he had his episode, he was selflessly sharing with me as he got ready for work on a very stressful day. His sharing with me enabled me to share myself with Sylvia and then share this with you today. Go from here and dare to share. You never know how your experience might help someone else, but the Holy Spirit does. Don’t be afraid. Trust yourself and believe you are part of God’s plan. You are, and you’ll be glad you did! I love you all, and I hope my sharing this story has helped you.

Maura Williams is a Pathways of Light ministerial candidate living in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Email .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

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