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July-September, 2004

Handing My Judgments to God

by Rev. Martha Firnschild, O.M.C.

Exhausted. Tired. I need to just put a time limit on how much time I spend with her. I come away feeling so wiped out.

But the Course says I am making myself tired; that I am judging myself as being capable of being tired. Judged myself. Judged me. Compared me with her a million times while sitting there. At first I was able to handle each judgmental thought one at a time as they came up. I heard her say that she was feeling less than a coworker that seemed to have so much extra time and energy to give to her job being with the children. A mirror, I thought. That is exactly what I feel about her — she has so much more energy than me. What is wrong with me anyway.

Okay, I am riding with that one. I see that we are both the same and judging and comparing one against the other reinforces separation. It got too thick to battle when she mentioned again how amazing our meeting each other was. She had told her husband that we both have sons 2 years and eight months apart in age with similar, no the same, challenges. And how she found my web site and was I really a reverend and could perform ceremonies?

Too much expectation is what I guess was making me uneasy. How can I live up to that, whatever that is? God knows I have a hard enough time just living up to my own expectations. Obviously, or I wouldn’t be having this conversation. The other thing that just really astounded me was the way she was able to read a paragraph of ACIM, never having read it before, and make more sense out of it than I have ever been able to. Scene — Huge sweaty Sumo Wrestlers struggling back and forth in my head.

Standing on the patio under the starlight I wondered, “Why, God, have you made ACIM such an emotional and mysterious ex

I filled my lungs with cool air and, admiring stars sitting in the tree branches, decided to give it all up. “All right God,” I said, “I have all these insecurities. I know that they keep me from intimacy and screw up my relationships. They make me miserable. I give them over to you. My gift to you.” Ha! The wry sense of humor is there but I quiet it with my continued prayer. “I ask you, God, to take from me these judgments that torment me and keep me from true intimacy with my brothers.” As I gazed up at the sky I became aware that the night air felt close around me. The arms of God, I thought. Cozy contentment washed over me as I stood there feeling. I began to feel the loneliness in me lift. And I knew that He was with me and I with Him. I also knew that I cannot disappoint the one who is looking for the truth of who I am because He is who I am.

© 2004, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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