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July-September, 2010

If I Only Spoke Once…

by Rev. Bob Thompson

If I only spoke once, what would I say to my wife, to my six children, to their six spouses, to my 20 grandchildren, my great grandchild, and to all the loving members of my very extended family? What could I say to everyone? What would I say to you? 

I would say: I appreciate you. I have been blessed that you were in my life. And also, I would add, that the following is what I have learned in life.

I am responsible for all my own thoughts, my own feelings and my own happiness (or lack of it). 

Many times in my life I have had (and occasionally still do have) thoughts and feelings of disappointment, expectation, anger or denial. Jeepers… Sounds like a confession, doesn’t it?      

My life’s journey of “stumbling” for nearly 74 years has proven to me how difficult it is to change, even when I know that the change is the best thing for me. It took most of my life to stumble on the truth that: change is not really difficult! The secret to change is to want something more than what I have right now! Of course, it is crucial to know what it is that I want more than what I have right now.    

It took me most of my life to experience a personal peace that is truly unspeakable. That personal peace has become the most important thing in my life. I discovered it late in life in a near “death dream experience.” It was the most awesome experience I have ever had. 

To experience it, I had to eventually let my thinking wind down, until I had no thoughts or attachments at all about this world or anything or anyone in it. In a “state of grace,” of “tranquility,” I was willing and prepared with my best preparation possible to slide into death and the mystery of eternity. I experienced how to approach death and die in peace, and apparently “survived.”

Much later a thought occurred to me: If it is so important to me to die in peace — if peace is really so important — than why not live in peace? The experience of Peace, the peace that truly passes all understanding, is what I wanted and want more than anything else. Thus my ability to change my life has been given a great motivation. Over the years, the changes have been obvious, not only to me, but also to family members and friends of long acquaintance. 

One of the things that I have to do to achieve this is to take total responsibility for all of my feelings as being created by me and that all my feelings came from my own thoughts. If I want to change, how I feel about anything, all I have to do is change my thinking about it. Only my “addictive thinking” makes it difficult or seem impossible. 

One of the ongoing side effects of my own stumblings is that, as I emotionally shared my own stumblings with others, I immediately triggered their own stumblings, which they frequently blamed on me. One of the “prices” I have had to pay for sharing my own stumblings with others is that I have “lost” a few friends. (Although I truly don’t believe that any friendship or loving relationship is ever “lost”). Some chose not to see me again. Others I have chosen to not see again. It usually is something that we have different thoughts about and are not able to “agree to disagree,” thus rupturing our relationship. 

My own limited experience suggests that when I don’t like a certain behavior, I distance myself from that behavior by distancing myself from that person. Thus there are mutual stumblers, whom I will love forever. I send them love, although I may temporarily, or perhaps for a lifetime, not choose to be with them. For me it is a simple matter of saying “no.” Their eternal soul is aware that my eternal soul loves them. So for me, saying “no” is one of the ways that I am true to my own soul. It is a blessing that I give to myself and simultaneously extend to another.    

Grateful am I to have finally discovered in this lifetime that such a thought change that takes me to peace is a personal miracle that is available to me at anytime, under any circumstance. My two true friends, gratefulness and awe, always take me back to an indescribable peace. All I have to do is remember that these two, gratefulness and awe, are always there for me, if I will but remember.    

I still stumble on occasion, but I do notice that I am stumbling less often, and also that when I do stumble, I am able to regain my balance much more quickly. I am greatly encouraged by the decrease in frequency of my personal “stumblings.” Perhaps I am less and less into self-punishment.

It is impossible to communicate with words the peace of God that truly passes all understanding. For those who have not experienced it, it may be very hard to believe that it exists. Those who have experienced it and found it to be the most significant experience of their lives are witnesses who bring the message that such peace truly exists. Occasionally, I am able to be such a messenger.
 
All I have to do is want that peace more than anything that I think about, right now. The choice is mine. I can and do change. That is how I eventually unstuck myself from the prison and punishment, of my own “negative” thoughts. 

Late in life I discovered that if I am truly quiet, open and willing, I can become awesomely aware of the peace that has been waiting for me in my own heart. It’s really very simple. Is there something that I truly want more than what I have right now? When I am at peace, that question and all questions cease to exist. 

I am especially grateful to you who have witnessed my stumblings and not judged me as only a stumbler. I thank many of you for recognizing and sharing with me that there is an eternal Spirit trying to guide each of us, if we will but be truly quiet and listen.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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