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July-September, 2016

Sick Leave from God

by Rev. Barbara Goodman Siegel, O.M.C.

I am involved with a group in St. Louis, Missouri that is practicing the “Choose Again” method developed by Diederik Wolsak. This is a process for looking at one’s upsets and core beliefs. It is based on the principles of Attitudinal Healing and A Course in Miracles.

There are six steps involved in this process that is to be used whenever one is upset. The purpose of this article is not to explain how the steps work, but to share one of the processes I did over an upset in the hope that it might help someone else see what is truly going on when anger and attack are allowed to have their way with our minds.

Briefly, the story behind the upset was that I had joined a not-for-profit organization that had a gym; I found I wasn’t utilizing it, and I went into the facility and signed a cancellation agreement. I happened to go at lunch time and the sales staff was out, but the receptionist said she believed there was a 30-day charge which I fully expected.

After the 30 days had passed, the monthly charge for the membership appeared on my charge card. I called and talked to a sales representative and he said that it was not just 30 days, but that the resignation becomes effective on the last day of the following month and, since I signed the agreement on the 5th of the month, I would be charged for that month and the next month — a total of 56 days.

In my mind, the fact that this membership was with a not-for-profit organization made the length of time required before cancellation particularly egregious. I told the salesman that this seemed pretty out of line especially for a not-for-profit organization. He said that it was stated on the resignation agreement which I signed. (I did find it in very small print.) I interpreted his attitude as condescending, arrogant, inflexible and dismissive. He couldn’t have hit more buttons to ignite my temper if he had tried.

I went into full attack, telling him that he was totally out of integrity, and while I didn’t swear, I am sure I said other things to try and cut him down to size before I righteously said: “good bye!” and hung up on him. Okay, this gives you enough of the story. Now, for the results of my angry attack.

After my temper cooled down, I felt terrible and knew that I needed to use the Choose Again process. The first step of the process is to realize you are upset and, the second step is to accept it is all about you. The third step is to focus on the feeling. What I was feeling was guilt! I lost my temper, was rude, attacked and even hung up on another person. The fourth step is to remember the feeling.  It felt as though I had forgotten everything I ever learned from all my training and work in ACIM. I felt I was a failure. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I was disappointed and disgusted with myself.

Now, I was ready for the fifth step, “What was the core belief (judgment) that this upset had triggered?” My answer was that I am worthless. I can’t control my ego. I am a fraud. I am unworthy of being a voice for God or a vessel for His Light. I am a failure and He should just pass on me and find someone else to represent Him.

Thank goodness there is a sixth step! The sixth step says that I need to embrace the truth of who I really am and see that this ego evaluation isn’t true. What I saw as truth was that if God withdrew His Light from everyone who failed or, as the Course would say, made an error, there would be no light left in the world — all would have ended a long time ago. Even Jesus had lost his temper! The truth is that I am God’s eternal, holy child — innocent and pure and loved. This mistake does not change that and I do not need to prove my worth.

Lesson 193 of ACIM states: “All things are lessons God would have me learn.” This incident was a great lesson! I saw how attack made me feel separate and alone. I saw that my ego is triumphant in my guilt. I heard my higher Self tell me: “Release the guilt and hold the lesson. As long as you hold guilt, shame, and unworthiness, you are lost to God. God needs you back. It is like you are on sick leave. Let the sickness go and go back to work where you are needed and loved.”

Thank you Mother/Father God for standing by me in all I do. Thank You for Your Love and faith in me. You always wait patiently, knowing I will find my way back into Your loving arms. I am so happy to rejoin with You and with my higher Self. I learned what attack, anger, and ultimately guilt does and this is not what I want to give to the world. This was a valuable lesson and I am grateful for it. With God’s help, I will remember this lesson when I am tempted to let attack replace peace and I will share it with my brothers that they might see their forgiveness in me.

© 2016, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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