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April-June, 2010

So Good to Have Him Back

by Rev. Larry Glenz

It’s 3:25 am. This is the first night that I didn’t take a Zanax since my 27 year old son, Kevin, died ten days ago. I never took Zanax before he died. They’re unbelievable, these little pills. I slept 8 straight hours each night without waking or even remembering any dreams the next morning. I didn’t take one tonight. I’ve got one on my dresser right now but I’ve decided to stay up. Kevin is talking to me.

He died of a heroin overdose on Valentine’s Day. He’d been battling an opiate addiction for more than seven years — mostly unsuccessfully. It was an overwhelming compulsion to get high that took him down — that and some bad heroin. He’d been in many rehabs. They didn’t work for him. He couldn’t get past Step Two in the Twelve Step program: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” The craving for him to get high on heroin was all consuming. In the days, weeks or months when he was clean and sober, he dreamed of getting high every night — every night! The shame and guilt that accompanied each relapse haunted him. He is free of all that now. And he’s talking to me.

Of course he’s going to talk to me! I’m his guy. I’ve been trying to hand over Kevin’s drug addiction to the Holy Spirit for the whole seven years since we discovered the problem. I’ve been studying A Course in Miracles diligently. I’ve been studying other literature from Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon, as well as many other books, CD’s, and videos in the field of personal development. I know I have understood the concepts pretty well — but putting them into daily practice has been more difficult. Kevin’s addiction tested my belief in Love more than anything else could have.

A Course in Miracles teaches us that in every moment, 24/7, we are either holding the hand of the ego or the Holy Spirit. Kevin’s addiction often caused me to be confused over whose hand I was holding. That damned ego has some amazing disguises. Forcing him into rehabs and using all of my leverage in taking away things like cars, college, jobs, cell phones, etc. seemed like the responsible thing to do as a parent. I convinced myself of that enough times and certainly received enough support from the professionals to believe that I had the right approach. Recovery programs made Kevin aware that there was help out there and others had achieved success in combating addiction as strong as heroin. But he didn’t buy into the concept of Step Two. He was convinced that heroin was stronger than his Higher Power. And so it was.

Kevin and I used to battle over much smaller things before drugs became an issue in his late teens. We’d battle over who were the best players on a sports team. We’d fight over the importance of good hygiene habits or the value of money.  We would test our personal wills against each other over many insignificant things — and he was always a worthy opponent. But once the opiates — starting with oxycontin — were introduced to him in college, Kevin’s arguments against sobriety became totally irrational. Kevin had the disease of addiction to opiates and his thinking became insane.

I know today Kevin is totally at peace.  Now when I turn to the Holy Spirit for help, I get Kevin telling me if it’s really Him or the ego in disguise. I no longer need to agonize over how Kevin is doing.  He’s with Holy Spirit now and always will be. And he’s a lot of fun again. He’s making me laugh when my tendency is to cry every morning uncontrollably. When I do cry, I sometimes hear his voice saying to me, “Hey, Big Shot, whose hand are you holding right now — the ego’s or the Holy Spirit’s? I told you, he always was a worthy opponent.

It’s only been ten days since his fatal overdose. He has left behind a four month old baby girl, Olivia. His death has saddened an entire community. I know that everything I ever do from here on in my life will be influenced by Kevin’s help in connecting me to Holy Spirit. It feels good to have him back, actually. I love him so — and only the Love is real.

Kevin told me it’s going to be easier for me to choose between the ego and Holy Spirit. I’ve got him with me now and it’s good to have him back. I can only imagine where he’s going to take me because he is a very interesting kid. And he says he’s got plans for me. Oh boy!

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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