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April-June, 2012

The Guilt and Forgiveness Things

by Rev. Larry Glenz, O.M.C.

I have had my share of trouble getting a grip on the “guilt” thing in A Course in Miracles. I am being clearly taught that:

• There is never a good reason to feel guilty.

• I feel guilty because I falsely believe I have separated from God.

• Only the ego believes in guilt; Holy Spirit knows I am totally innocent.

• I’m just dreaming that I’m guilty and, therefore, I need to awaken.

• I need to bring all my feelings of guilt, sin, and fear to Holy Spirit.

• Holy Spirit will remove my unconscious guilt from my mind.

• This brings about a happy dream and then ultimate awakening.

Oh, and there is the “forgiveness” thing that I have struggled with as well. I am taught:

— Forgiveness is the key to happiness.

— When I think I am forgiving another, I am really forgiving myself.

— What my body’s eyes see is a lie; so I forgive what never really happened.

— Any grievance that I do not forgive will result in my suffering.

So how can I apply these principles to my life? 

It has been two years since I lost my beloved son to a heroin overdose. We battled his addiction to opiates together for more than seven years. For most of that time I was in the grip of fear; I call it “the terror.”  Every ring of my phone held the potential of announcing a terrifying consequence for my son, Kevin. 

I turned to my Higher Power continuously for help. His constant message to me was to “just love him anyway.” I was not to judge or condemn him for his behavior. I was directed to love and forgive him.

Despite his many efforts at recovery, one night the dreaded phone call came. Kevin was gone at the age of 27. Among those he left behind was his four-month old daughter, Olivia. It was a tragic ending for the one time all American boy.

During the long cycles of addiction, recovery, and relapse, I followed a process of turning to Divine Guidance — my Higher Power — Holy Spirit — for advice. I wrote in my journal to ask Him specific questions about how to handle Kevin and his disease of addiction. Spirit’s answers to me were consistent. I was told that I have no idea what Kevin needed to go through. I was to demonstrate unconditional love. Nevertheless, I was inconsistent in following His directions. I often responded out of fear — using anger, guilt, and shame to try to get him to change. Those times I regret.

I have used this experience to better understand the Course’s teachings about guilt and forgiveness. I believe what ACIM teaches: Only the love is real in this world; all else is an illusion made of thoughts from my unconscious guilt. The story about the “terror” I experienced was never real.

I am practicing forgiveness of myself, forgiveness of Kevin, and of all those connected to the story. This practice is strengthening me spiritually and emotionally. I am learning to keep all the love and to forgive all the rest. 

My Higher Power sustains me and gives me encouragement to help others through His guidance. Sometimes this guidance comes through to me in Kevin’s voice.  Those times bring a smile to my face and a warm rush to my heart. 

I believe I am stronger than ever before. I credit my belief in these principles and Holy Spirit’s guidance for this. The “guilt” and “forgiveness” things about ACIM are coming in stronger now. I can feel an inner peace with Kevin. And I am grateful.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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