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July-September, 2005

The Journey Home

by Rev. Anita Ottley, O.M.C.

From a very early age, I spent a great deal of time “living” in my own mind. What I would perceive as the “horrors” of my childhood left me feeling very alone and most of my time in fear of something. It was at the age of about 12 that I remember thinking to myself while I was alone in my bedroom that no god would ever allow the things to happen to a child that I had endured. It was at that moment that I consciously separated from God. It was also at that moment when I felt like I had no home anywhere in the world.

Life went on and I somehow survived my growing up years to the point where I moved into my first apartment at the age of 17. But with the freedom of independent living came many ego illusions of who I thought I had to be to survive in the world. I had made several botched attempts at suicide and then hit the road of workaholic behavior, alcoholism, drug abuse and detached sex. This road continued until a near fatal accident in 1980 woke me up. I didn’t realize it then, but everything had come into play perfectly for my waking up.

I voluntarily found a great therapist who introduced me to the book, When I say No, I Feel Guilty and I found my first tool to release myself from guilt tapes that the ego played very loudly in my head. But that felt like the very first step and there was much farther for me to go. Over the years, I became a student of life or, more importantly, Spirit. Even as a young adult, I desperately wanted to learn as much as I could about love. So the search continued until one day in 1982, while listening to an audiotape by Wayne Dyer, I heard him mention the book, A Course in Miracles. This began the journey home for me.

I began reading everything I could find on ACIM. It was if someone opened the blinds on my bedroom windows to let the light in. I became a student of ACIM and began my journey to understand what it meant to love those around the best I could. I worked with an excellent therapist for 20 years who helped me oust all the ego illusions of my self-imposed demons. I was able to quit smoking, drinking, abusing drugs and indulging in meaningless sex.

I know one of my catalysts for growth was becoming involved with a wonderful partner who had a child. At the time, I didn’t think I wanted any children and more importantly, I was afraid of what a terrible parent I would be. But Holy Spirit, once again, aligned me with the perfect circumstances for my perfect continued growth.

As life unfolded, I found myself loving this young child with such depth that I wanted to be a better person. I faced my inadequacies and formed a strong bond with my daughter. I now have a granddaughter, son in law and the love continues to grow. The secret was that all I had to do was love her. All those “things” I thought I had to do were projections in my head.

It would appear that over the course of my lifetime, I feel that I have lived several segmented lifetimes. Those past horrors no longer feel like horrors, only lessons that strengthened me along the way. And all those years that I was ego driven to do destructive things to myself only brought me depression and suffering. Once I aligned myself back with Holy Spirit, everything began to turn around.

In closing, I would like to share how the latest choices in my life to honor Holy Spirit’s guidance have continued to take me to the next step. In May of 2005, I graduated from Pathways of Light ministerial program and became an ordained minister. If ever I felt anything was right for me, it has been this journey with Pathways of Light. From the moment I contacted them and began the courses to meeting my fabulous life and love honoring teacher, Ruby, to the very moment my car pulled onto the property, it has all been a journey about love.

For those who have never experienced being at Pathways, try to imagine a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner with your family, where the only thing being served is unconditional love. No one is fighting, no one needs to be right, everyone sees the light in you and everyone is a reflection of your own light back to you. I felt as though I had spent many years in the cold and the love that was freely given and expressed at Pathways was a warm comforter that enveloped me. Holy Spirit lives there, as He lives everywhere, but His presence is acknowledged and honored at Pathways.

So to Rev. Deb, Rev. Paul, Rev. Happy Woman, Rev. Ruby, Rev. Myron, Rev. Bumpity Bob, Rev. Kathy, Rev. Robert M, Rev. Linda L, Rev. Linda W, Rev. Donna-Marie, Rev. Betty, Rev. Cheryl, Rev. Loretta and of course, Revs. Robert and Mary Stoelting, thank you for having been a part of my experience at Pathways, for following Holy Spirit’s guidance and just being pure love. I may live a long distance away from you all in miles, but we are never apart. My home is anywhere I am because I am never alone, God is always with me. Here’s to the ONE of us!

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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