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January-March, 2016

Transformation

by Barbara Franco Adams

As part of my studies as a ministerial student, I was recently completing an exercise in the course, The Transforming Power of Trust. This particular section states the following:

“When we believe in the idea of having an identity that is separate from God (or Love), unconsciously we know we are rejecting our true Nature, which is openness with Love. The result is feeling guilty and unworthy because deep inside, we know we are secretly rejecting Love. When we don’t want to admit to ourselves that we are rejecting Love, dissociation and projection occurs. This means we dissociate from knowing our oneness in God and throw (or project) the guilt and unworthiness that accompanies this out on the world, looking for guilt in others.”

The task of the assignment required that I write what the statement meant to me. My insight follows:

The statement above describes my life before to accepting myself as a gay woman, prior to challenging the beliefs and practices that I held of myself and others.

Much of my life prior to 1991, when I made the decision to acknowledge the trueness of my identity, was spent in descents into guilt and anxiety, panic attacks and self-loathing. I hated who I was and felt guilty that I had married (a very wonderful!) man. I did dissociate from the Essence of myself and lived too many years under a heavy blanket of depression.

When I chose to acknowledge the truth of my identity, most of the symptoms of denial disappeared. The remaining fear was that of guilt, but I am rapidly taking charge of this last vestige and am eliminating it from my thought process by ‘changing my mind.’

As a result of my internalized guilt and self-loathing, I had projected those limiting personality traits onto others. This action helped me feel good for a while as I attempted to point the finger outward instead of looking inward for the source of my pain.

I have come to understand that to be totally free, I must totally accept who I am, not only as a gay woman, but even more so as a cherished, innocent Child of God. Amen

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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