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April-June, 2015

What Am I?

by Rev. Maria Kingsley, O.M.C.

I am continuing to contemplate “Who is Maria?’

I get this: that I hate myself, and then I get that I am a ‘set of thoughts which make up ‘me’.

I am asking for Help to let go of the judgment of Maria.

I hate these things about her: She has flat back head. She is slow and withdrawn. She easily gets distracted. She has flabby thighs. She is aging and has wrinkled skin around her mouth. Her hearing is almost not there in her left ear. She reads slowly. She has an aggressive ego, which also shows the other side of passiveness. She gets nervous when she has to do a task — that should tell you something! (– attack) She attacks herself all day long. She does not allow herself to exist — not allowed, not allowed, not allowed!

But, this is not who I am. I can allow the joy to come through. I can forgive. I can embrace and love and accept.

I feel I have given a promise and since I seem to be a loyal person, one who adores God, I seem to think that I need to ‘keep my word.’

As I write this, I feel a lot of anxiety in my right side (good things) and on my left side (negative thoughts). I am ‘riddled’ with this, and I know I can let it go, but I need to go a little deeper, I think.

Yet, there is nothing to do or think about — I already know that none of this is real, and so I want to embrace the ‘bad’ of Maria and allow her to be as she is, with the knowing that this is just a bundle of thoughts which I have put together for a purpose … and now I want to see that purpose as my task to let it go and see it as it really Is. I need Help with this!

Yet, I want to look at the ugliness of what I have falsely made up because of fear and attack. I attack myself because I think I am this body. I think I am stuck in this. I don’t see my God-given ability to change things, to see that I have separated myself from my Love-Creation-Energy and Vibration which allows me to do things I could not even dream of in my ‘Maria-awareness.’

So, when the fear comes up, I can tap it away, and I can see that I don’t need to hang on to my own judgment any longer because I don’t want to punish anyone — not Papa, not Mutti, not myself or anyone else. I realize that I have given my illusions all the power and this is what has attacked me all through my life.

Yet, I am allowed to choose love, to choose joy, to choose excellence and good things, to choose following God or my Loving Mother. I can almost see that I am also holy. And so I allow my Holiness to do whatever God asks me to do.

I am as God created me. And I choose to follow His Laws. I am at Peace.

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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