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April-June, 2011

What Does Love Look Like?

by Laura Waldmeier

This story is the telling of a miracle, a miracle in which God used Mardi Gras, chocolate chip cookies and brown sugar to show me what love looks like, and to set me on the path that would lead me to A Course in Miracles and to the Pathways of Light Ministerial Courses.    

I began a spiritual journey in 1986 through Alcoholics Anonymous. I was 32 years old, married, and had two children and though I had not yet found the Course, I was about to learn that my plan for salvation will not work. I began with enthusiasm, telling myself to get my act together, and so I began to act as if I were healed.

The part I gave myself was AA cheerleader. If there had been AA pom poms, I would have had a pair. I was the AA cheerleader. I went to meetings constantly, made friends with everyone who walked through the door, and don’t regret a minute of the years I spent as the self-crowned Miss AA. Anybody that needed anything, came to me. That included AA, my church, my family, and my husband’s family. I was all things to all people. I worked very hard at developing my ego and people loved me enough to let me.

But, my plan for salvation was not working. I was able to stay sober for 14 years, but sobriety does not equal peace. I had become so self-absorbed and self-important. I had all the answers to everyone’s questions. I had become completely separate, spiritually and emotionally, from anything greater than myself. 

My world had become a very lonely, isolated place. I was carrying around so much emotional pain with no relief in sight. I was drowning in the world I had created and could not let anyone know how much pain I was in, much less let anyone in.

In the year 2000 I began a relapse that lasted five years, during which I was diagnosed with Stage III breast cancer. The doctor told me that I would have to quit drinking in order to be treated. I eliminated alcohol and replaced it with fear, despair, and hopelessness. In August of 2003, I had a mastectomy, fourteen lymph nodes removed, six months of chemotherapy and two months of radiation. 

The day I went for my third chemo treatment, I stopped on the way home and bought a bottle of Vodka.  From that day and through the rest of my treatment, I drank daily in excess of a fifth of vodka a day. The more I drank, the more I needed to drink. I almost drank myself to death. I was hiding. I didn’t want to be found. I hid my emotions, my feelings, my pain, and my Vodka. I became consumed with feelings of shame and unworthiness.

Then something happened that helped me make another shift in my life. Our son had graduated from college in December of 2004, and was engaged to be married in May of 2005. I told him one day that I felt left out of the wedding plans. He lovingly and courageously looked at me and said, “Mom, one of the most important days of my life is about to happen and I would love for you to be involved, but not like you are.” I was devastated. 

This eye opener came on the heels of receiving a six page letter from my daughter, informing me of every single thing I had done to her during my drinking that caused her to question her own sanity. My children were handing responsibility for my life back to me. I had spent most of my life seeking solutions for my own peace outside of myself. Something had to change. Realizing that I was loosing my family, I knew that I had to do something different. I made a decision to quit drinking on February 4, 2005.

February 8, it was Mardi Gras, which is a huge celebration where I live in southern Louisiana. It is a celebration which involves a lot of partying with alcohol being as much a part of it as the colorful costumes and parades. I knew that it would not be a good idea for me to participate in the Mardi Gras festivities so early in my recovery. Instead, I gave myself the task of baking chocolate chip cookies. 

Thoughts of past Mardi Gras binges triggered my desire to drink, and I wanted a drink worse that day than any other time I could remember, but I determinately continued with my project. I didn’t know God very well and really didn’t know how He could possibly help me, but I thought I’d give it a shot, and asked for his help.

I was gathering my ingredients to bake cookies, and when I went to my pantry for the two and a half cups of brown sugar I needed, I discovered that I had only about a fourth of a cup in the bag and immediately began to curse God. I whined and cried and screamed, “God, I can’t go to the store for brown sugar. The brown sugar and Vodka are on the same aisle. I need brown sugar, God. I am going to bake these cookies with this brown sugar, but with Your help, I won’t drink today.” My dog was watching my one woman show. I actually think I saw her smiling.

I went over to the counter, put the brown sugar down, turned around to get my measuring cups, and began measuring flour, baking powder, and finally brown sugar. What! Where did this brown sugar come from? Right there, before my eyes, lay a full bag of brown sugar. I was overcome with emotion. Not only did I have the two and a half cups I needed, I had two and a half cups extra. I began to weep. I placed my hands on the counter, bowed my head, and sobbed. I cried out to God again and said, “God I don’t know why You want me sober, but I will do whatever You want me to do, go wherever you want me to go, and serve however You want me to serve.” And I have honored that commitment.

I am so grateful for the Love I am today. I have finally put aside my plan for salvation and accepted God’s plan instead. Since then I have seen many of the different faces of Love. My children love and trust me. They encourage and support my recovery. I enjoy the unconditional love of four wonderful grandchildren. When my husband was diagnosed with Stage IV bladder cancer in 2010, I was terrified. Several days after his surgery, while he was in Intensive Care, I was unable to see him as sick. I realized I didn’t believe in sickness any longer. One day, I might be able to express that in Course language. Today, I express it as another face of Love.

On days when I feel tired and want to give up, and I can’t remember why I’m working with another alcoholic, or spending time on the phone with a friend in distress, or journaling about the daily lesson in ACIM, or forgiving some long held grievance, or making a child smile, or helping my elderly mother, or picking up trash in a parking lot, I remember what Love looked like on February 8, 2005. Love looked like brown sugar.

© 2011, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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