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Something I Learned at the ACIM Conference

Before we get back to our study of the Text, I want to tell you a bit about the conference. First, I have attended a number of these conferences, six, I think. This is the best one I have ever gone to. There was a sense of family and a feeling of love that is beyond any I have experienced before. That alone made it well worth the trip.

I presented at the conference and I always enjoy that. I like telling people about my experiences with the Course and I like hearing about theirs. I love the feeling of a family reunion as I meet up with people I only see at the conference, and the surprise of seeing in person my virtual friends. It is really neat how close I feel to my Facebook and Yahoo Group friends.

I attended some of the presentations. Each year I go, I try to attend the ones I have never seen before. The one that was most helpful to me this time was Diederik Wolsak’s. He had an interesting story beginning with being born in a concentration camp. Diederik has a healing place in Costa Rico called, Choose Again.

I learned in that class a six step process designed to help me find the problem in its original form, and to finally forgive it so that it doesn’t keep popping up in my life over and over. And it absolutely will reappear until it has been forgiven. I have certain beliefs that wind up being projected into my life in different forms; the same belief, that is the same content, just being imaged in different forms.

After I heard Diederik talk, and saw him work with his process with a volunteer, I had a chance to try it on myself. I was in the bookstore at my table peddling my book. ~smile~ A friend came by and got a copy. She gave me the price of the book and extra. I was very grateful for the loving gesture, but after she left, I realized that I should not have let her do it that way. Rev Tony buys the books himself and I receive a commission from the publisher. To take money for the book would be like stealing from CMC.

This was no problem because I could walk across the room and rectify the situation easily. But here is what happened. I happened to glance over at the next table and Regina Dawn Akers was sitting there and watching what happened. I suddenly felt awful. I felt upset that Regina might think I am a thief. I was so anxious about this that I couldn’t wait to get to the register and turn in the money.

I kept wanting to go to Regina and tell her that I would never steal anything. Instead I sat with that feeling and waited for Spirit to help me see it differently. This went on for awhile and finally I was aware of the thought that I should use Diederik’s process. So I did that.

The first thing it tells me to do is to recognize I am in conflict and the situation has purpose and will lead to joining if resolved. This part is easy for me because it has been my practice for a long time. I have to admit, though, that my first and strongest desire was simply to feel better. I had to remind myself that there was more to it, that healing the belief behind the upset was very important.

The second step is to remember that it is all about me. I am not upset because my friend caused a problem for me, or because Regina would judge me (which she wouldn’t). This is not about anyone except me. I am the one that decided to be upset, the one with the issue to be resolved, and the one who will ultimately decide to accept the solution or keep the problem. This was easy for me, too. I practice this all the time. I hear the ego objections and desire to project, but I always know it is about me.

Step three is to feel the feeling. This can be a little harder for me. I hid from my emotions for so long that sometimes I have a hard time identifying them, and I still want to avoid them. But as Diederik says, this is where honesty is essential. My own work has shown me that I must allow the feeling to take it past the concept and into an honest desire for healing. As it happens in this situation the feeling was obvious. I felt anxiety and guilt, and this was true even though I did not intentionally do anything wrong.

Now step four is new to me. I have never done this before. It says to remember when I have felt this way before. How is the feeling familiar? I am looking for the source of the feeling, the first time I felt that way. As soon as I heard about this step, I saw why it was important. If I hold something against myself, if I establish a belief about myself and fail to question that belief, I will continue to make images of it, which I then project outward as my life. I have seen this happen many times, but never put it together in quite this way.

So I asked within for the first time I felt this anxiety and guilt and felt judged as a thief. I was in first grade and I stole a bracelet from someone at school. Its funny, as I think about this from that little girl’s standpoint, I didn’t think of it as stealing. It was pretty and I wanted it so I took it. Later in the day the nuns went from room to room instilling guilt and shame and demanding the thief come forward.

That was when I recognized I was a thief and I was guilty for it. I was too ashamed to confess. I was afraid I would no longer be loved or accepted, especially by the nuns who were so important to me. They would be so disappointed in me. I took it home and put it away and never looked at it again, until my mom found it and confronted me and then there was more shame.

Step five is to establish my judgment of myself in that moment. I thought I was a thief and I was ashamed and afraid. I felt very guilty. I thought that I would never be loved again. And mostly, I felt like I deserved to be shunned, because I really did it, and to make matters worse, I didn’t confess like a good little Catholic should. I felt like a bad person.

Step six is the best step at all. It is in this step that I establish the truth about myself. All of my life I have held onto the belief that I am a bad person, and in spite of all the work I have done so far, there was this deeply held belief that I could never be enough, because, after all, I am guilty. This incident, and the self-judgment, that others reinforced, has affected me all this time. Now that I saw this, I was able to forgive myself.

I reminded myself that I am a creation of a powerful Force of Love. I was created in His image and cannot be anything else. I was created eternally perfect and this cannot ever be altered by anyone or anything, including me or my actions. I said to myself; I forgive myself for believing that I am unlovable, bad, and shameful. Afterwards, I felt innocent and free! It was wonderful!

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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