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Study of Text, Chapter 9, VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4. 3-25-15

VII. The Two Evaluations, P 4
4 You, then, have two conflicting evaluations of yourself in your mind, and they cannot both be true. You do not yet realize how completely different these evaluations are, because you do not understand how lofty the Holy Spirit’s perception of you really is. He is not deceived by anything you do, because He never forgets what you are. The ego is deceived by everything you do, especially when you respond to the Holy Spirit, because at such times its confusion increases. The ego is, therefore, particularly likely to attack you when you react lovingly, because it has evaluated you as unloving and you are going against its judgment. The ego will attack your motives as soon as they become clearly out of accord with its perception of you. This is when it will shift abruptly from suspiciousness to viciousness, since its uncertainty is increased. Yet it is surely pointless to attack in return. What can this mean except that you are agreeing with the ego’s evaluation of what you are?

Journal
I am beginning to see myself from the Holy Spirit’s point of view. My mind is still conflicted, because when the ego responds, and as Jesus says, some of those responses are vicious, I still find myself believing the ego. My actions and words and thoughts seem to justify the ego viewpoint of me as unloving.

On the other hand, I am also becoming aware that I am not what the ego insists I am. It is hard to put into words because there is still some confusion around the issue. But I will speak to someone, or react to someone and realize that this is not the “me” I used to think I was. I am just not what the ego says I am.

I do feel connected and I do feel forgiving and loving. I see neediness instead of love and I see myself gravitating toward special love, and yet, I feel genuine love, real love that is not just for some people and I feel love that asks for nothing in return. I am becoming aware of both evaluations, and often I am choosing to believe the Holy Spirit’s evaluation, if not completely, at least enough to see how different this feels.

In the meantime, I am learning to open my heart to what I do not yet know completely. I am learning to step back in a way I have not done so in the past. I step back from understanding with my mind, and allow understanding to flood my heart. I trust it even if I don’t experience it in a way that is familiar. I seem to “know” that something just happened, and with time I see the change unfold within me. I see it in my actions and reactions and in my feelings.

First there was a little willingness that grew. Then lots of practice and great vigilance. Finally, I began to allow and accept. And now, this opening of the heart which is a deeper allowance and acceptance, something that happens without the thinking mind being involved at all. It is still new and I ask Jesus for help with it because it is so unfamiliar, but I like this.

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