Healing Is My Purpose

Pure Self

Conceptual knowledge keeps us locked into ego,  The ego fears are: I don’t know enough, I don’t understand, or I might say it or do it wrong. When we give all that up and move into pure Self Knowing, pure God Being, then we have the only knowledge worth striving for.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org
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Recognizing when self overtakes Self

Yesterday, I went to an all day workshop with Rev. Jennifer Hadley.  It was a wonderful day of fellowship and learning.  Rev. Hadley had us do an activity where we wrote all the things we judge ourselves for and then share our list with another person.  Without going into detail, what I learned from this valuable activity was that we all pretty much judge ourselves for the same things: not being worthy, not being loving enough, not letting go of judgements, not being as good or smart as others,  etc.  The real value of this activity was that I truly saw how we are all one, you are me and I am you.  I also saw how I have been playing “small”, not living up to what I truly could be because I let these judgements stand in the way.  I mean, I really saw it!  It wasn’t just a little recognition, but a true “Ah Ha.”  Fear, of course, also plays a part.  After all, if I live up to my real potential, what will people expect of me? 

After this activity, we did another where we identified our true purpose, our skills, and our spiritual qualities.  Again, a very worthwhile activity.  I saw that my purpose is to awaken, teach, and counsel others.  I left the workshop feeling good, feeling that I had touched my true Self and that I no longer wanted to keep the mask of playing my small, insecure, little self.  It was a wonderful feeling.  But, as soon as I got in the car for the ride home, I felt it start to slip.  When I came in the front door and my husband told me how the realtor who was supposed to show our condo no showed, I felt it slip even more.  Then the whole discussion about where to go for dinner, when should we leave, etc., took me back to that little self.  It was a physical feeling.  I felt it slipping away until I hit bottom just like you would see a child at the top of a slide come down and land on his tush.  “What the heck happened?” I wondered.

I got up this morning and still felt down.  I went into my morning study time and sat in prayer.  “Please, Holy Spirit, please, Mother/Father God, show me what happened.  Why did I lose that feeling of being in-touch with Self so quickly and so fully?”  Thankfully, an answer came: “The self was threatened and so all the thoughts of not being smart enough, good enough, etc., came right back in through the door of your mind.  You didn’t stop them, you didn’t block the entrance, you just let them all come back and get comfortable again.  If you want to stay in the Self, you can’t open the gates and let any thought that wants to come through the mind just go through.  You wouldn’t let a herd of cattle roam through a field of beautiful flowers, would you?  You left the gates opened without any regard for what was going through.  Close them now!”

“How do I do that?” I asked.

“Prayer, use of your mantra, discipline and willingness” I heard.

“OK, I will use all of those,” I said.  In my prayer, I told Spirit that I was willing and asked for help in releasing these old, useless judgements of myself that had flooded in.  When I was done, I started repeating my mantra, “I am that I AM.”  I am the higher Self, I am capable of all that God has endowed in me.  I kept watch on my mind.  When one of the old thoughts tried to enter, I went to the mantra or to the thought that I am lovable and loving and no longer want that thought of smallness to enter my mind.  It took a large part of the day, but I feel I have returned to the knowing I had after the workshop yesterday.  I am very grateful for this knowing and hope that by sharing my experience, you might see how you let these thoughts of judgement trample down your field of beauty.  If so, I hope these simple practices of prayer, mantra, discipline and willingness will help you to get back on track.  We are one!  We are all capable of being the Self God meant us to be.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org
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The Spoiled Child called Ego

I have learned a lot of lessons in the last several weeks. Brilliant, deep, philosophical lessons about God, Oneness, and forgiveness.  But, perhaps the most important lesson I learned was that I must love and accept myself fully. One teacher said, “Self love is the key to spiritual awakening.” That is a pretty profound statement. Think about it, it isn’t prayer, it isn’t meditation, it isn’t even reading the Course (or any other spiritual teaching). These activities are meaningless unless we love ourselves. In other words, If we love ourselves, all else will follow, love of God, love of others, total forgiveness and acceptance of everyone.

How do we do this? By loving self talk. First we need to start to notice how we are talking to ourselves. I know that I am most often attacking myself, saying things like: “Why did you do that? You know better. That was really stupid!” or “They will be angry. They won’t approve. They will think you are stupid.” It never ends does it? Why doesn’t it end? Very simply, we don’t end it. If I had a child who talked to me that way, I would say: “You are not allowed to talk to me that way.”

For many of us, our ego’s are like spoiled children who have had the run of our mind for far too long. The ego throws out thoughts whenever it wants and, like a spoiled child, it wants to be heard whenever it talks. It is time to say: “Enough! You are not allowed to talk to me that way anymore. You will talk to me only with loving, kind words or I will not listen to what you have to say.” Yes, dear ones, it is time to discipline our egos as we would a spoiled child who has been given the run of the house. And, like disciplining the child, it takes vigilance and consistency until the self talk is always loving. When we consistently discipline the spoiled ego with a firm but loving voice, it will grow to a mature loving Self.

© 2011, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org
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Miracles are seen in light

Reading today’s lesson, Lesson 91, “Miracles are seen in light”, I kept coming back to how I let my grievances hide the light of God.  My self wants to hold on to what it thinks is a justifiable grievances, but really, it just wants to hold on to its little life, its little self.  It is like taking the “Blankie” away from a child.  What will they hold onto in the world that is so fearful? To my little self I say: “God, is the answer.  God is what we hold onto.”  I see the Holy Spirit sweeping my grievances from my mind as easily as I sweep dust bunnies from the corner of the room.  The miracle is how easily they are removed if I allow it.  Then the light shines in and the light is my true Self.  In this light, I am free, innocent, whole and eternal just as God created me.  Therein is my strength, therein is the strength of God.

© 2011, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org
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Beyond

I am not a poet and do not know how to write in a poetic style.  That being said, I want to share with you a very healing poem that came to me after meditation.

Beyond

Can you see to the outer side of the universe?

Can you view the cosmos?

Can you feel how grand that is?

My breath is taken.  My humility becomes as boundless as the universe I am in.

In all this you Love me?  You created me?  You want to care for me?

Thank you! Truly, there are no words, no expressions of gratitude that are sufficient.

You are beyond my mind, but you hold me in Yours and I am blessed.

My mind wants to grasp what is beyond its knowing. 

It is a feeling that is the answer we seek.  It is a knowing in your cells.  It is knowing and letting it be and not trying to label and explain.

It is beyond and within all at the same time.  It is the miracle of my life to know what I can never know, to glimpse the Beyond.

© 2011, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org
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My Responsibility

I must admit that I get really down around the holidays.  Every year I tell myself that I will handle it differently, and every year, at some point, I end up in a funk.  This last Christmas was no exception.  It always comes from my expectations that this time it will be different.

The weather in St Louis, as in much of the country, was extremely cold around Christmas and my husband desperately needed a new coat.  I was out shopping and I thought I would just take a look in the men’s department to see if, by some miracle, there was a coat for him.  I say miracle because my husband is hard to fit.  He is a large man but not extremely tall, so to get the room he needs in the body of the coat and not have the sleeves hang down to his knees is very difficult.  Well, I got my miracle.  I found a coat that was light weight and warm, came in his size and had Velcro around the sleeves so that they were easily adjustable.  I was thrilled!  I didn’t wait until Christmas to give it to him as he really needed it immediately.  He was surprised and delighted as he had been looking for some time himself with no success.  A real hit!

Now, I committed my mistake.  Since I bought him what seemed to be the perfect gift, I thought it would be nice if he gave me a great gift in return.  I even told him what I wanted: a watch with an easy to use alarm so that I could set it and remind myself to do my Course lessons throughout the day.  Well, Christmas morning came and no gift of any kind.  Now, I do have to add here that since we are Jewish, we often don’t exchange gifts on Christmas.  It is actually confusing to know what to do, but that is another article. 

I made a nice breakfast.  I made a nice dinner, too.  By the next day, despite my fighting against it.  The funk came.  After a few days, I finally told him that I was disappointed that he didn’t get me the watch I had asked for or anything for that matter.  He didn’t say much, something about he didn’t know we exchanged Christmas gifts and that was the end of the conversation.  My funk lasted into New Year’s day.  “You got yourself into this funk,” I thought, “you need to get yourself out of it.” 

Now came my next miracle.  I remembered a quote from the Course (or, more likely, Holy Spirit whispered it to me), “Only what you have not given can be lacking in any situation.”  I certainly had not given the coat unconditionally and, since my mood turn, I was not the most pleasant person to live with either.  I started examining my behavior and saw that even before the coat/watch incident, I really had not been as loving and kind as I could have been.  I saw there were many times I thought that my husband could or should have been more thoughtful.  But, the question was, had I been thoughtful or was I piling up little grievances against him.  I am afraid, the later was true.

I say I had a miracle because I really saw it!  I saw that what I had not been giving was exactly what was lacking in the relationship.  My behavior and thinking changed immediately.  And guess what, so did his!  No, he didn’t run out and buy me the watch, but he did become more thoughtful in other ways as he felt more acceptance and love flowing to him.  After 30 years of marriage, perhaps it is hard not to build up little grievances or take a person for granted, but I truly saw that it was I who experienced lack in the relationship because it was I who was not giving. 

Now,  I am working to extend this lesson to all my relationships.  Taking responsibility can be hard and the ego certainly wants to fight against it by blaming the other person for whatever is lacking in the relationship or situation.  But, it sure feels good to let go of grievances and be in love’s flow, indeed it is empowering because by doing this, I let go of “Victim” mentality.  A good start to the New Year.

© 2011, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org
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Ending The Day With Forgiveness

Monday morning I went to my ACIM weekly meeting.  I am new to the group and I have found that there is one individual I seem to keep finding myself in disagreement with.  Monday was no exception.  I found myself arguing with this individual over something I have studied for the last 8 years.  I won’t go into what it was about because, as I look at my behavior (and, of course, want to justify it), it wasn’t about the subject and which of us knew more about it, it was about how I responded. 

When I left the meeting and looked back at my interchange with this individual,  I realized that I responded very defensively and responding defensively meant attacking the other person.  That was a great lesson for me.  Up until then, I don’t think I realized how attacking I am when I think I am just defending something important to me, but, being honest with myself, I saw that I could call it nothing but attack.  I had to ask myself if I could have had the same discussion with love instead of attack.  Of course I could!  I haven’t studied the Course for this long not to believe that I am always at choice between love and fear (attack).

My first response upon realizing what a poor choice I made, was guilt and shame.  “I know better,” I thought.  “How could I, an ordained minister and teacher, respond so inappropriately.”  And then I thought, “Why not?  You are still learning along with all your brothers.”  I consciously took time to forgive myself.  I knew that to carry the guilt and shame would be to project it out.  I then expressed gratitude to my Higher Self for the great opportunity to learn.  Lastly, before going to sleep, I read a phrase that comes from The Way of Mastery which is: “I release and forgive this day.  It has been perfect.  And it is done.” 

© 2010, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org
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