As a young child I developed a pattern of response to the stress in my home life caused by the chaos of alcohol and rage. I decided I would become invisible, that I didn’t matter and I would pull all my energy into making others in my household feel better. I became the peace maker. I decided I didn’t need anything for me because “there was never enough to go around” they said. There were 7 kids and that was, “too many” so I decided to be one less. I would be a zero. I felt so lonely and isolated in my mind. It was indeed a miracle that one day I was in Sunday School and I heard a message that forever changed my life. The nice Sunday school teacher said, “Jesus loves the little children”. My response to myself was, “well I’m a little children so he MUST love me too”. I felt a light, a glowing, soft, yellowish light in my heart that never left me. I didn’t understand it, I wouldn’t dare tell my parents who were serious atheists. It was my warm little secret in my heart. At least Jesus loves me. No matter how depressed I became in the back of my mind was still the little secret that I’m okay because Jesus loves me.
As I grew up I buried my emotions. I buried them so as to not bother anyone, in my desire to be a zero, to cause no problems to anyone, ever, anywhere so they manifested in my body as pain. The pain became chronic without a solution and no x-rays or blood tests could show any illness. Now I called was a fake. A liar. So I added that as another reason I should be nothing, a zero. But the pain really did hurt. I now know this was my reaction to the anxiety I felt about the scarcity of love in our house. There was never enough food, there was never enough money, there were always too many bills, there was never enough coal for the furnace or wood for the cook stove or God help us if we outgrew our shoes and there were no hand-me-downs. There was plenty of time to describe what we didn’t have but no time to say I love you. I didn’t know how to express any of this anxiety, or my need for love, so I shoved it down into my body, smiled, did some more peacemaking, got a paper route, baby sat and added money to the family kitty for those new shoes. I “stole” a few dimes from my paper route money and took my little sisters to the movies so they didn’t have to think everything was scarce like I did. But I didn’t deserve to enjoy the movie. I sat in the movie feeling put upon and angry with my parents and guilty because I stole the money I earned on the paper route and babysitting.
Other than my secret about Jesus loving me I felt small lonely and afraid. I was anxious to the extreme. I was angry and unforgiving as well. The pain mounted. I bored everybody to death talking about my physical pain all the time. It was a compulsion to tell others about my pain (which was my call for love). I knew the pain was real so I tried to prove that to others. I tried to prove I had a name for this pain that was in the medical dictionary making the pain more and more solid. In my 40’s I succeeded finally. I got a name for the pain. I created this pain. Now no one could call me a liar or a fake. Ha ha ha. See. I won. I created the pain to where it has a name. So there! I see how I created this now and I have so much compassion for the child who would do this to herself as a cry for love.
I’m also learning all I ever yearned for as a child was God’s love, for me to love myself enough to not be a zero, and for me to extend love to my parents through forgiveness and prayer. I’ve always been practical to the extreme, I can make a can of tomatoes, a potato and a chicken breast last for a week! LOL. Scarcity won out in that way. I’ve always had a high IQ and been book smart. I searched every philosophy and religion for 40 years attaining two masters degrees in religious studies in my journey of trying to find God. That little warm glow in my heart pulls me constantly in that direction. I always felt I was missing something and when I heard the word love I would cringe. I see now that “Love”, is the missing ingredient. It’s not about degrees, and books and memorized philosophy. It’s about love for myself and being in the present moment to allow God and receive that love. When I can interrupt my patterns in the world of form for a few moments to experience that love from God my pain is non existent. The patterns of scarcity and un-forgiveness and lack of self love run deep as they do in most children of abuse. But I know I chose this life to drive me towards God and towards love. Now I know I wouldn’t trade my life for any other experience. Jesus really does love all the little children and we are all his little children. I’m still climbing my mountain on my journey but now I see the boulders of un-forgiveness and I am chipping away them one at a time healing my mind with Jesus as my teacher. What a journey. What an adventure. I feel so lucky that I have arrived at this place of opportunity to know love through A Course in Miracles through the teachings of Pathways of LIght. Thank you to Robert and Mary. I personally know what it takes to run a similar operation of students/courses/admin duties with accounting and very few personnel. That’s a business. But truly you two are in the business of pointing souls towards God. I am amazed some days at how far I’ve come due to your efforts of setting up this pathway towards the light. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
© 2015, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org
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