IV. Seeking and Finding, P 2
2 The search the ego undertakes is therefore bound to be defeated. And since it also teaches that it is your identification, its guidance leads you to a journey which must end in perceived self-defeat. For the ego cannot love, and in its frantic search for love it is seeking what it is afraid to find. The search is inevitable because the ego is part of your mind, and because of its source the ego is not wholly split off, or it could not be believed at all. For it is your mind that believes in it and gives existence to it. Yet it is also your mind that has the power to deny the ego’s existence, and you will surely do so when you realize exactly what the journey is on which the ego sets you.
Journal
When I look at the ego with detachment, I see how it searches frantically for love that it is determined not to find. It makes up ideas of what love is and how it is to be achieved. These ideas do not bring me to love, but only to disappointment and confusion. The ego then blames the object of the love and encourages me to keep looking until I find the right person, and then I will have love.
I used to feel so inadequate and was so needy that I was always seeking someone to make up for what I thought I lacked. I was never without a boyfriend or husband. Each time I thought I had finally found “the one” that was going to complete me, that was going to give me what I needed. Each time I was disappointed and would discard that one and keep looking.
Finally, I found A Course in Miracles and I stopped looking for the special relationship I thought I needed and began to heal my mind instead. I began to see how my search for love was never going to work because I kept looking outside myself, and that is not where I would find it. I learned to look within and as I released each belief that was blocking my awareness of loves presence, I found love. Imagine my surprise to discover I am love itself.
I still become confused about that sometimes, but once that idea takes hold in the mind, there is no going back. I am beginning to see love everywhere I look. It seems that everything is love. Love is the substance of creation. Now when I don’t see love, I know I am perceiving through the ego mind again, and I place another errant thought on the altar.
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