Day 19
3 The third stage through which the teacher of God must go can be called “a period of relinquishment.” If this is interpreted as giving up the desirable, it will engender enormous conflict. Few teachers of God escape this distress entirely. There is, however, no point in sorting out the valuable from the valueless unless the next obvious step is taken. Therefore, the period of overlap is apt to be one in which the teacher of God feels called upon to sacrifice his own best interests on behalf of truth. He has not realized as yet how wholly impossible such a demand would be. He can learn this only as he actually does give up the valueless. Through this, he learns that where he anticipated grief, he finds a happy light-heartedness instead; where he thought something was asked of him, he finds a gift bestowed on him.
Studying A Course in Miracles I have come to appreciate how Peter felt when Jesus called him to get out of the boat and walk on the water toward him. And like Peter, I have often stepped out onto the water only to become overcome by fear and to sink back into the ego, doubt and uncertainty seeming to pull me under.
What have I relinquished that I thought would be a sacrifice? Of course there is the idea of projecting blame which I talked about yesterday. I really believed this would be painful, and yet it was freeing, and I never miss it now.
I valued making plans on my own, and I thought this would be easy to give up. I hopped out of the boat on that one and went skipping across the water to Jesus, but then I would begin planning how my day should go, what I should do about a problem, where I should live, so many things that need my attention. That’s ok, Jesus, I’ve got this one. I’ll let you know if I need your help. And there I am, sinking back into the ego.
It turns out this one was more subtle. Projecting blame was obvious because I felt the fear and reluctance to abandon it so very strongly. But there were so many “little” ways to make plans that it hardly seemed necessary to bring Jesus into this. What did he care what I had for supper or whether I went shopping? Obviously I need to help my daughter who is in financial trouble so I’ll just move in with her and we’ll fix up the little house on her property for me to stay in. No problem. I’ll let you know when I need your help, Jesus.
I’m learning that not asking what He would have me do and say, and where He would have me go is the way I keep the ego in place. It’s the way I feed the ego and help it grow stronger in my mind. It’s the way I slip more deeply into the dream.
I loved being with my daughter and her family, and will never regret that time, but it became obvious that I had not asked for guidance when I made those plans. Getting everything done was like trying to move upstream without a paddle. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
Of course if I make an unnecessary turn, the Holy Spirit goes with me and so I learned lessons, primarily that making plans on my own is not freedom. Instead it is a way to stay imprisoned within a closed system of separation, in which attack, defend, fear, and guilt are my constant companions. You could say that all of this was perfect since it was so rich in opportunities to sort out relinquish the valueless. I am quicker now to notice any tendency to make decisions on my own and no longer make that sorry choice very often.
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