6-24-12
6 Never forget that the Holy Spirit does not depend on your words. He understands the requests of your heart, and answers them. Does this mean that, while attack remains attractive to you, He will respond with evil? Hardly! For God has given Him the power to translate your prayers of the heart into His language. He understands that an attack is a call for help. And He responds with help accordingly. God would be cruel if He let your words replace His Own. A loving father does not let his child harm himself, or choose his own destruction. He may ask for injury, but his father will protect him still. And how much more than this does your Father love His Son?
Jesus assures us that the Holy Spirit does not respond to the desire for attack. He understands that this desire is actually a call for help. Beneath the desire for attack is the true desire of our Heart, which is to know God. The desire to attack is simply a response to the guilt and fear that comes from our confusion about who we are.
There is a person in my life I have judged, and if anything, my strongest wish was for him not to be in my awareness at all. I wanted him to be out of my life, to not even show up on my radar, not even as a memory. I have thought he was contemptible and maybe even evil. I felt he was ruining the life of an innocent young woman and I felt helpless to do anything about it, and helpless to see it any other way. And I felt guilty for my thoughts.
Our thoughts are prayers so I was praying that this person be attacked and to be attacked in such a profound way that he didn’t exist and had never existed, at least in the sphere of my awareness. Definitely an attack prayer, right? So did the Holy Spirit answer my prayer? Of course not. He saw that what I really wanted was help.
I just wanted to be happy again, and at peace. In my confusion I thought that I had the answer to my unhappiness but of course I didn’t. Obliterating the perceived cause of my lack of peace was not the answer because he was not the cause. The Holy Spirit answered my confused call for help by giving me clarity.
It took a lot longer than usual for me to accept His answer because this man triggered some unacknowledged and long held beliefs, and forgiving this situation would mean letting down my guard against those beliefs. But I continued to do my part by asking for help and knowing that I would get it when I was ready for it.
So much of the real work and the real healing happens below my conscious awareness. I don’t even know it’s happening much less how it is happening. Evidently enough healing had taken place for the next step. I had been asked to be someplace where he was going to be and I said yes. That was not a planned response. I didn’t think, “OK, its time to do this.” Later I gave myself that story, but in the yes moment, I just opened my mouth and the words came out.
As the time approached for this meeting, I became nervous and had many ego objections going through my mind. I felt myself becoming resentful and feeling victimized. I gave my mind to the Holy Spirit and asked Him to give me His help. My next thought a prayer. I asked that God show me how He wants me to love these children of his. I didn’t ask why I should love them, or if they deserved my love. The ego wanted to talk about throwing pearls before swine, but I went back to the prayer the Holy Spirit had given me and asked how I was to love them.
There was all this background noise in my head about not wanting to do this and being uncomfortable. There were judgment thoughts tumbling all over the place, but I just kept moving forward like they weren’t there and soon we were having a conversation and I noticed that I didn’t plan a single thing I said, and that when I looked in his eyes I didn’t see the evil man I expected. In fact I saw a vulnerability that was completely unexpected.
I know when I left that man did not feel judged by me, and I think that is how God wanted me to love his child. I also saw how my ego mind asked for attack and the Holy Spirit reinterpreted my prayer as a call for help, and answered it. I had to wait for the answer until I wanted it. The ego was still dead set on attack as the only defense, but the ego is just a small voice in my mind. I turned my attention from that noisy little voice to the part of my mind that wants nothing as much as it wants God. As soon as I did that, the Holy Spirit’s answer was there waiting for me.
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