I am at a workshop with Nouk Sanchez. I don’t know if I will have time to write so don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me. Today I just want to report on something I am doing with Holy Spirit.
I asked him to show me the blocks to my accepting a miracle of mind healing when it comes to body image and food. This is what he gave me.
Self will. I have a belief that I should control my eating and if I don’t, I should receive the consequences of my actions. The mind that wants to claim a disciplined mind and a strong will isn’t interested in surrender. It wants to win. It will accept loss if that is the only other option, but not surrender.
Self judgment= failure=shame
Fear of failure. I tell myself this is a little thing and if I can’t do this, then maybe I can’t do anything.
I keep making this issue different. All problems are the same problem, but in my mind I still have a hierarchy of illusions and I put this one in the slightly embarrassing and not really important pile. Why embarrassing, Holy Spirit? A couple of reasons: Its not very spiritual. Wouldn’t it be more spiritual to not care what my body looks like? I think this is similar to thinking its more spiritual to heal the mind of the belief in sickness but less spiritual to see that healing in the body. Maybe the same error as that.
Also, it is such a visible problem. I see it every time I look in the mirror and everyone else sees it too. I judge myself so I project that feeling of being judged and think everyone else is judging me too. If I say that I am too friggin spiritual to waste time worrying about my body I won’t have to be concerned about looking like a spiritual failure when I gain weight. Not to others and not to myself. Better to be afraid of failure than to admit failure.
Habit. the idea that food causes effects in the body is such and ingrained idea that it requires nearly constant vigilance to notice these thoughts and ask that they be healed. I’m used to vigilance, but I notice having to do this so often triggers my fear of failure. What if I can’t do this? What if I am wrong? What if the truth is not true?
The authority problem. The whole idea behind the separation idea was to make a self that is unique and different than what God made, to be my own creator or author. We can’t really create outside God, but we can make an image of ourselves that is different than what God created. Evidently part of that image of Myron is that she is one who gains weight easily, one who has to watch every calorie, one who can easily lose but will quickly regain, one who is victim to a screwy metabolism, etc.
The Holy Spirit gave me the blocks to be healed, and now I know that they are all defenses against God. I am willing to let them be healed and accept the Atonement in this situation. My mind and heart are open. Thank you, God. I love you, God.
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