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Study of the Text 7-8-13

7-7-13
II The Ego and False Autonomy, paragraph 6
6 Only those who have a real and lasting sense of abundance can be truly charitable. This is obvious when you consider what is involved. To the ego, to give anything implies that you will have to do without it. When you associate giving with sacrifice, you give only because you believe that you are somehow getting something better, and can therefore do without the thing you give. “Giving to get” is an inescapable law of the ego, which always evaluates itself in relation to other egos. It is therefore continually preoccupied with the belief in scarcity that gave rise to it. Its whole perception of other egos as real is only an attempt to convince itself that it is real. “Self-esteem” in ego terms means nothing more than that the ego has deluded itself into accepting its reality, and is therefore temporarily less predatory. This “self-esteem” is always vulnerable to stress, a term which refers to any perceived threat to the ego’s existence.

“Giving to get” is an inescapable law of the ego. Looking at this idea I first thought of giving money or some valuable object. Do I always give to get? I give money to my children, to charities and to other people who need it. What do I get out of it? If it is my ego that is giving, I get to present a generous ego to the public eye. I get to feel like I am now less guilty than before having made up for my bad acts with good works. I have appeased God. This is ego reasoning, and to the ego any one of these results would be worth a certain amount of money depending on the level of guilt it was feeling at the moment.

Do I ever give for the pure joy of giving? Do I ever give because it is my nature to give? I don’t know because giving is so mixed up with my ego motives that I can’t tell. Trying to purify my motives in giving would be going at it backwards and wouldn’t work. I can only continue to do the work of undoing. When the ego is undone the issue of giving to get will no longer be an issue.

I see that it is not just money and other material possessions that are used in the egos “giving to get” game. It gives compliments to get compliments. It gives kind acts to look kinder than other egos and so look better than others. It works harder at the job to increase its value to the company in the hopes of standing out from the other egos and thus insuring employment.

This giving to get mentality shows up in every special relationship, which is every relationship until it is given to the Holy Spirit for purification. Relationships are reciprocal in every way. The ego dresses to attract, that is, to stand out from other egos. It is kind and loving, not for the joy of it, but in the hopes the other will be kind and loving. It gives whatever it has to the other in the hopes of getting something it thinks it needs in return. Everything the ego gives is in the hopes of getting a return and it hopes that return is greater than the outlay.

The entire concept of giving to get is always born of guilt and so guilt underlies every action.  It wants to make the other feel guilty through it’s giving in the hopes that one will then reciprocate in some way. Or the ego gives because it is trying to fool everyone, especially God, into believing it is not guilty. The ego is like a hamster on a wheel, running, running, running, and never getting anywhere.

The ego works very hard on its self esteem issues so it will seem stronger and better than others, thus proving it is better than those others. The ego will never get anywhere in its race to success because the whole race is a farce. Everything it does is an attempt to prove its existence through proving the existence of other egos, and since egos do not exist it is doomed to failure.

Instead of letting go of the insane idea that ego is real, I try to make my ego look better than your ego. Even as I write this my ego hopes you will be impressed with my writing and will think of me as “special” because of it. It uses even my desire to wake up and my desire to love God as a way to feed its need to be absolved of guilt. Being the ego it thinks that to be guiltless it must look less guilty than others.

My ego thinks like this: It gives its time and effort freely and gets nothing in return. “Look at me, God. I am doing Your work and now You have to love me. See, how others are impressed with me? See how they look to me for answers? Surely You recognize my value now, God. I am Your special teacher, I sacrifice more than anyone for you. Surely You will forgive me for my sins and not punish me for leaving You.” And of course, whom do I look better than? All those other egos, and since they exist I must exist.

It is all very convoluted and very depressing and impossible to fix. As Jesus said, giving to get is an inescapable law of the ego. I cannot fix the ego, repair it, shore it up and make it better. I can only undo it. The ego is the idea of guilt, fear and lack, and therefore can only be those things no matter how hard I try to make it look different. I want to be generous and loving without an agenda. I want this because under the ego façade, it is my nature to be so. True love, true generosity, and true giving is what I am and that is what will bring me joy.

As I accept the Holy Spirit’s healing of my mind and finally give up on the idea of a better ego, I will let that impossible idea go. Just beneath my belief in the ego is my Self, which is not a belief at all and so cannot be lost or damaged by my silly thoughts. Just beneath the belief in the idea of an ego is joy and peace and love, and without ego, I will know what it means to give just for the joy of giving. 

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Study of the Text 7-5-13

7-5-13
5 Undermining the ego’s thought system must be perceived as painful, even though this is anything but true. Babies scream in rage if you take away a knife or scissors, although they may well harm themselves if you do not. In this sense you are still a baby. You have no sense of real self-preservation, and are likely to decide that you need precisely what would hurt you most. Yet whether or not you recognize it now, you have agreed to cooperate in the effort to become both harmless and helpful, attributes that go together. Your attitudes even toward this are necessarily conflicted, because all attitudes are ego-based. This will not last. Be patient a while and remember that the outcome is as certain as God.

This paragraph makes me want to laugh. I am like a baby who is resisting giving up the sharp edged toys that are hurting me. The Holy Spirit will replace my ego beliefs with the truth and I will be so much happier, but I hold tight to what I have and refuse to accept the change.

I overheard someone in the office say something that made me mad. I only heard a few words, but it sounded to me like the person was saying they did not trust my judgment on a particular thing. This was my perception of the words spoken and perception is suspect at the best of times, but nevertheless, I was offended. I recognized that this was ego thinking, and whether I had an ego reason to be offended or not, it was not what I want. Even so, I didn’t stop it right away and so the ego was off and running with scissors in hand, like the silly and self-destructive child it is.

In a moment of clear thinking, I would take the scissors away and then in a bit notice my ego had picked them up again. After a few hours of this, I got tired of the conflicted thinking. I would feel resentful, realize that the resentment was caused by my own thoughts, and would ask for healing of the belief in offense that I carry in my mind. Then I would go back to feeling offended. It was making me crazy. I couldn’t believe how hard it was for me to let go of the thought that was hurting me.

I was basically making a choice to hold onto a perceived wrong rather than using this opportunity to undo the ego belief in offense. I might as well have just said it; given a choice between being offended by a few words and being at peace, I choose the offense. I really wanted to feel offended. I played with that sharp object all day long. I placed blame. I felt guilty. I became afraid. I hated. It makes me feel a little nauseous to think about it.

I finally decided that I wanted to wake up more than I wanted this person to be guilty. I asked the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking and this time I meant it. I just wanted to return to peace. I wanted to remember my purpose and to remember that this is all I want. The confusion in my mind faded and the ego thinking lost its appeal. I didn’t make it go away or figure out another way to think, I just desired peace above all else. The Holy Spirit did the rest.

I did make a choice to become harmless and helpful. At first this was done on an unconscious level, but now I am fully aware of my goal. Blaming and projecting is not harmless behavior. Even if I only think it, it is still harmful and I cannot be helpful if I am harmful. My thinking - and I never reached the point of acting on my thoughts - my thinking was harming me. It left me mired in the ego, unhappy, guilty and fearful.

It was also harmful to the person I was attacking even though I never spoke to or acted against them. We are one mind and that mind has no boundaries. As I was adding to the dream of separation with my wrong-minded thinking, I was doing so for all of the Sonship. When I came to my senses, I gave my willingness to have the ego undone in my mind, and I did this for all of the Sonship as well.

There is no way we can go home alone because we are not alone.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 7-3-13

II. The Ego and False Autonomy, Paragraph 4
4 Think of the love of animals for their offspring, and the need they feel to protect them. That is because they regard them as part of themselves. No one dismisses something he considers part of himself. You react to your ego much as God does to His creations,-with love, protection and charity. Your reactions to the self you made are not surprising. In fact, they resemble in many ways how you will one day react to your real creations, which are as timeless as you are. The question is not how you respond to the ego, but what you believe you are. Belief is an ego function, and as long as your origin is open to belief you are regarding it from an ego viewpoint. When teaching is no longer necessary you will merely know God. Belief that there is another way of perceiving is the loftiest idea of which ego thinking is capable. That is because it contains a hint of recognition that the ego is not the Self.

I think that the ego is part of me, just another facet of myself, and that is the reason I am so reluctant to let it go. As long as I regard the ego as a part of me I will love it and defend it. This explains why it is so difficult for me to see it as not real. Loving and defending the ego is a hard job though, because it is so unlovable and is in need of constant defense. Looking at the ego in this way keeps me in conflict which is a very painful way to live. I am conflicted as I ask the Holy Spirit to heal my mind of ego beliefs and at the same time I defend my ego against this healing.

Jesus said he would substitute for my ego and he said that I could entrust my ego and my body to him. When I do this I am so at peace, and so happy! But I notice that in spite of the joy this gives me, I return to listening to the ego instead. I do this over and over during the day. Jesus has told me that he teaches through contrast, and, oh my goodness, but this is very apparent as I see the difference in listening to the Holy Spirit as opposed to listening to the ego. I listen to the Holy Spirit as he interprets my world and I am peaceful and happy. I listen to the ego as it interprets the world and I am suspicious and defensive. Why on earth, would I continue to choose the ego as my guide?

Jesus says the reason I do this is because I think of the ego as part of me and so I am protective of it. This will continue as long as I think that what I am is open to belief. Jesus says that I am created by God as part of God and this cannot be altered. I believe I did alter myself when I made the ego to take the place of God’s creation. I think that believing this to be true, makes it true. Clearly this is insane.

I know a little about insanity. I used to be married to a man who qualified. His ego was a paranoid schizophrenic. He heard voices no one else heard. His voices were as real to him as any voice you and I hear during the day. He was constantly defending his ego from everyone who wanted to give him medicine to make it go away. I saw him as suspicious to the point of paranoia. He saw himself as attacked on all sides. He believed in his “self” and so thought it was real.

It was clear to me that Charlie was mistaken about who he thought he was and that his belief in this confused self did not make it real. I knew that if he would just give in and take the medicine he would see that what he believed was wrong. He would then know what I knew, that believing in his voices did not make them real. I wonder if Jesus sees me in the same way I saw Charlie.

I hear a voice in my head, too. It is the ego which is just as made-up as are the voices Charlie heard. I believe in my voice, too, because it seems so real to me. I think that because I believe in the self I made, that is enough to make it real. There is not so much difference between Charlie and me as I used to think there was. I defend my made-up self just as fiercely as he did, and my defense does not make my ego self real any more than defending his ego self made it real.

Jesus will substitute for that ego voice in my head if I will simply allow him to do so. I only need to stop defending against his help. Charlie could have made the voices go away with medicine if only he would have questioned his belief in them enough to allow himself to take the pills. I can stop listening to that voice in my head if I will question its reality enough to accept the Holy Spirit’s “medicine.” There is an alternative Voice in my mind that will heal the confusion I live with all the time. It will return me to sanity and to Reality.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 7-2-13

7-2-13
3 Your own state of mind is a good example of how the ego was made. When you threw knowledge away it is as if you never had it. This is so apparent that one need only recognize it to see that it does happen. If this occurs in the present, why is it surprising that it occurred in the past? Surprise is a reasonable response to the unfamiliar, though hardly to something that occurs with such persistence. But do not forget that the mind need not work that way, even though it does work that way now.

I asked Jesus for an example of how I threw knowledge away and it was as if I never had it. I wanted an example that was recent and very clear to me so I could be sure I understood this passage. I thought of the day I said I was tired of the food game where I pretended I gained weight because I ate the wrong thing. I said that I was ready to know the truth once and for all. I had a moment of brilliant clarity and I knew the truth. It was so clear I could not imagine that was I ever confused, and I could not imagine ever being fooled again.

Within a couple of days fear and guilt arose in my mind around this issue and my clarity was gone. I was confused as I ever was and had to start over. Where did the clarity go? It felt like I forgot, but how could I forget something that crystal clear? In two days? How could that be? Am I victim to my own mind? Is it so slippery that I cannot hold onto something so real, so lucid?

Indeed that is the ego’s explanation. I forgot. I cannot do this. It disappeared all on its own. It’s not my fault. It’s hopeless. But that is not the truth. The truth is that I very deliberately threw it away. This lucidity was not what I really wanted. I wanted it for that moment I asked for it, but then I changed my mind and threw it away. Easily done when you realize how much practice I have had. This is exactly what I have done since the beginning of time . . . literally. After I threw it away, I used fear and guilt (handily made by my mind for this purpose) to demoralize and to discourage a return to truth.

This is the way my mind works. I decide on a thing and it is mine. I decide against it and it is as if it never existed. My mind is wiped clean of that belief and its effects go with it because cause and effect are never separate. This is the only way I could possibly keep the dream going. Our saving grace, the reason I can and will wake from the dream, is that while that is how my mind works to keep the dream alive, it does not have to work this way. Jesus is taking us by the hand, and gently, paragraph by paragraph, helping us to see differently, easing us out of our self-imposed confusion.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 7-1-13

6-28-13
2 Everyone makes an ego or a self for himself, which is subject to enormous variation because of its instability. He also makes an ego for everyone else he perceives, which is equally variable. Their interaction is a process that alters both, because they were not made by or with the Unalterable. It is important to realize that this alteration can and does occur as readily when the interaction takes place in the mind as when it involves physical interaction. Thinking about another ego is as effective in changing relative perception as is physical interaction. There could be no better example that the ego is only an idea and not a fact.

If you ask folks where their ego came from, most will tell you that it was formed through their interactions with other people, that they are the way they are because of how they were treated while they were growing up. They will say that it was further affected by things that happened to them as adults, the loss of a loved one, the birth of a child, getting fired from a job, all the things that happen in the life of an ordinary person go into making them the person they are. In other words, that they are the victim of their DNA, their childhood and people and circumstances in their life.

Jesus tells us that we are never a victim. He says that we make our ego ourselves, and that we continue that process all of our lives because we did not make our egos out of the Unalterable. Not only did we make our egos but also we make an ego for everyone we know. I read someplace (maybe from Regina) that we never know another person. We only know our thoughts about that person. Wherever I heard it, I knew that it was true.

Then Jesus says that we interact our ego with their ego and this produces changes as well, again, because they were not made from the Unalterable. So in the relationship I had with my ex-husband, for instance, I had ideas about him that I attributed to him. I told myself that what I see with my body’s eyes is what is true. I told myself that how I see him is how he is. But truthfully, I projected onto him everything I thought I knew about him, and where do you think I got the ideas that were projected? From my own mind, of course. Where else?

I can understand how it is that our interactions change our egos. I tell my husband that he is guilty often enough, and he is going to begin to live up to my expectations.  But Jesus goes even further with his explanation. He says that it doesn’t even matter if we speak to each other or interact in any way in form. Just the thoughts in our mind affect the other. Of course they do. I made his ego with my mind, so if my mind changes, so does his ego. And as he changes, so do I. We are so entwined that it is remarkable that we were able to convince ourselves that separation is real.

Here is an example of how this works. I have made a very complex ego involvement between my boss and me. Because he is also my brother, this man’s ego and mine evolve on several layers with each interaction, physical or mental. One day, I was walking through his office and glanced at him. Our eyes met for a moment and I noticed that he seemed very unhappy. He didn’t smile or acknowledge me in any way. His mouth was turned down and he looked tense.

I continued on my errand, but mentally I stayed with him. I interpreted his facial expressions as meaning that he was unhappy with me. I went several places with that thought! But where I ended up was that I believed that he was going to fire me. With a one-sided interaction that occurred only in my mind, I altered the ego I had made for him. Instead of being the loving and caring brother, he was now showing his formerly hidden true colors. He was a hard man, unreasonable, and willing to fire his own sister. My ego changed from the sister who looked up to her younger brother and admired and respected him, to a frightened and resentful person who blamed her brother for her fate.

He didn’t fire me. He never said anything to me about that encounter and I doubt that he was even thinking about me when he looked at me. But in my mind, a change in our egos occurred that day. He became a harder person, someone to fear. I became a more frightened person, more defensive, and guiltier, and my interactions with him changed for both of us because of this change. His actions seemed to prove my beliefs about him.

This remained true for years until I realized what I had done and forgave the situation. I asked for a new way to see him and I asked for a new way to see myself. With a healed perception I was able to see him with more clarity. When the guilt I projected onto him was withdrawn, I was also able to withdraw the guilt I had projected onto myself. Again, our egos were altered, and again our interactions changed. Now his actions seem to prove my transformed beliefs about him.

The ego I make for the both of us changes and transforms depending on my thoughts about it, and my perceptions. It is very clear to me that the ego cannot be real and that it is not a fact, but just an idea. I breathe a sigh of relief as I think about that.

We have no idle thoughts. We are creating on one level, and making on another, and we are doing this all the time. Here in egoland we are making egos. We do this constantly with every thought we have. It would behoove us to be mindful of the thoughts we think and to ask for correction when they are dark thoughts. What we make here is not eternal. It is not even real. But what we believe in is real for us, and, until we stop believing all our thoughts, we make a hellish world and believe we are in it.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 6-28-13

6-28-13
II. The Ego and False Autonomy
1 It is reasonable to ask how the mind could ever have made the ego. In fact, it is the best question you could ask. There is, however, no point in giving an answer in terms of the past because the past does not matter, and history would not exist if the same errors were not being repeated in the present. Abstract thought applies to knowledge because knowledge is completely impersonal, and examples are irrelevant to its understanding. Perception, however, is always specific, and therefore quite concrete.

Jesus says that it is reasonable to ask how the mind could ever have made the ego. It’s a good question, he says. I’m glad to hear it because I have certainly asked that question, though I did notice that I felt a twinge of fear in the asking, which pretty much guarantees I won’t get an answer. Answers come to the heart and the heart does not ask in fear. We do not receive answers we don’t really want.

Then Jesus says something very interesting. He says, in part:

There is, however, no point in giving an answer in terms of the past because the past does not matter . . .

This pretty much blocks any answer I could conceive of with my thinking mind. At first I was confused. First Jesus said it was a good question, a very important question, and then he makes it impossible for me to come up with an answer.

Ahh, I get it now. It is not for me to come up with an answer. That would be the ego attempting to discover the truth. The ego is not interested in the truth. The ego is only interested in the perpetuation of its self. The answer I want is not going to come from the thinking mind. The answer will come to me from outside of me. It will not be in words, nor will it be specific or personal. The explanation will not come with practical examples. It will not be anything the ego will understand, but I will be affected by it. I will understand.

I will receive the answer according to the degree that I really want it. There is no shame in not being able to accept it completely, no reason for guilt or fear. This is why we are studying and practicing A Course in Miracles. It is because we don’t know this answer and we are learning that we want to know the answer. Most of the time the answer comes slowly in gentle steps. It is a gradual undoing of misperceptions. It happens this way because Love is kind.  There is no reason to feel anxious about it, because it is inevitable that truth become known to us.

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Study of the Text 6-27-13

6-27-13

I want to talk about this paragraph a little more before we move on. I feel like Jesus placed a diamond in this field of words and I am just now discovering it. I am amazed that in the past I have just casually read through this paragraph and never noticed how important it was. Of course that is because I did not want to notice it. Jesus says that he can substitute for my ego. He says that he can be entrusted with my body and my ego only because this enables me not to be concerned with them, and lets him teach me their unimportance.

Has anyone reading this ever tried this? I mean, have you ever read this as if it were true and decided to let Jesus replace your ego? I know we do this in many little ways as we practice the Course. Every time I am mindful of my thoughts and ask that a dark thought be healed, I am entrusting my ego to Jesus. Every time I surrender my own plans and my own decisions I am entrusting my ego to Jesus.

When I experience sickness or some other body thing and I become willing to see it differently I am entrusting my body to Jesus. When I choose to let him guide me through a body situation instead of resorting to magical remedies I am entrusting my body to him. But have you ever made a decision to simply allow Jesus to replace the ego, to fully entrust your body and ego to him? When I think of this I am . . . I don’t know what I am. I feel light. I feel like crying in relief. I feel something I have trouble putting into words. Not exactly excitement, but happy anticipation, maybe. I feel a shift coming on!

I think the reason this is different is that ever since I started this study of the Text with Jesus I have been acting like I don’t know anything about it, at least as much as I can. I am reading it with new eyes, and with his help. I am taking him at his word, as if he means everything he says. So when he says that he can take the place of the ego for me, I believe this is true. I am committed to letting him do this, and there is more conviction in my commitment than before.

On the other hand, the ego is still in the game. It keeps making objections and I am aware of them. Sometimes it is little stuff, like this. When I got into my car yesterday evening I automatically turned on a novel I am listening to. It is at an exciting part and even though I was not going to drive too far, I really wanted to listen to it.

The ego says, “What if hanging with Jesus means you can’t listen to your trashy novels anymore? No more vampire stories. You should turn this off right now if you are serious about this whole thing.” The ego likes to cause trouble and stir things up. But what I noticed in my mind was a flinching from the idea of giving up my novels. I thought, “Are my novels more important to me than the peace of God?”

This caused doubt and fear in me and I knew that it was not the Holy Spirit speaking to me. I set aside the whole issue and rested my mind in God. Then from that more peaceful place I asked for guidance and clarity. Jesus told me that the ego wants me to think salvation is the sacrifice and that is not true. He is leading me away from sacrifice and that my confusion comes from the fact that I have no way to judge what sacrifice really is.

Jesus asked me to trust him on this. That is why I am letting him take the place of my ego. He knows and he is trustworthy. He said that what he chooses for me will feel right and good to me so not to worry about it. He reminded me that this has happened before when we collaborated and I do remember how easy and seamless it was. There really was not a sense of sacrifice. It simply became what I wanted.

I am ready to see what today brings. Yesterday was 90% peaceful, with only a few ego waves to disturb my calm. It was effortless, as I just went along for the ride. I could get used to this!

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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