July-September, 2005
The day has finally come. All my effort and hard work is finally paying off. Today is the day I will be ordained as a minister. This is a day for happiness and rejoicing. Or so I thought it should be. April 13, 2005 dawned a cold, cloudy, rainy day. I awoke on this day feeling just as gloomy as the outdoors. On a day that should have been one of the happiest in my life I felt plagued by misery and self-doubt. What now?
For months I had been studying and truly enjoying the work I was doing. Now that I was going to see the fruits of those efforts, I felt no peace. I worried that I wasn’t good enough to be a minister. Where would my church be? I don’t belong to any organized religion. Who would I minister to? My part-time bookkeeping job doesn’t provide me with much socialization. I sit in a small windowless room by myself all day. On and on came the limiting thoughts and self-doubts. How could I have come this far and not know where I’m going from here?
I decided to read and meditate for awhile before I got ready for the hour drive to Indianapolis. As I began my meditation I found myself reliving my life. My mother died when I was seven years old, leaving my father with three small children to raise. My grandparents came to live with us to help my father. Five years later he remarried. My life as a child was not a happy one. I remember many times feeling so alone and unloved. At eighteen I married a man I barely knew. Many times during this marriage I felt the same feelings of being abandoned, alone, and unloved. After four years I found the courage to leave my marriage and seek happiness elsewhere. I found a wonderful man who has given me a good life, blessed with love.
Even though I was now in a relationship with someone who loved me, I still at times felt a deep need for belonging. Thus began the search for God. Over the years, I went to many churches of many denominations. Try as I might, I never felt I fit in. The times I felt most alone were the times I was in church surrounded by many loving, giving people. I just couldn’t get past most of the religious dogma. When asked if I believed I was a sinner and that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, I found I just could not say “yes.” In my heart I knew I was not a sinner. In my heart I knew God was not some vengeful all-mighty deity who would smite me down if I didn’t agree to the beliefs of these religions. In my heart I knew God loved me and yet, I felt so alone.
Four years ago a friend of mine introduced me to the healing energy of Reiki. While learning to become a Reiki Master I began to study A Course in Miracles. In the books I read I found the answers to the questions I had for so long been searching. I found like-minded people, who believed as I did. No longer was I alone in my beliefs.
Then a year ago I had a dream about becoming a minister. In the dream I was told to study the path of light. Not knowing what this meant, I got on the Internet looking for anything having to do with a path of light. There I found Pathways of Light Spiritual College. I knew without a doubt that this was what I had been searching for my entire life. My studies introduced me, for the first time, to the Holy Spirit. I discovered that all the times I felt so alone, I really wasn’t. I found within the courses a peace unlike any I had ever known.
So, how had I come to realize this truth and then, on the day when I needed it most, be plagued by limiting thoughts and self-doubt? I was reminded of an Amy Grant song that has a verse, “The more I try to be the best, the more I get the worst.” It seemed the more I tried to shove the ego aside and only listen to Spirit, the more the ego was trying to gain my attention by assaulting me with fears and doubts. Where would my church be and who would I minister to?
I picked up the Spring addition of Pathways of Light Miracle News. Flipping through it, I came upon an article by Rev. Gail Hamley, “I Am Already Whole.” She wrote, “I have learned that God will use me wherever I am. That is my ministry. People and opportunities open up to me and I receive them in gratitude. I am at peace with God’s plan now.” Wow! Just the words I needed at just the time I needed them.
After reading this article I went within to the Holy Spirit for healing and guidance. I was again reminded of the same Amy Grant song and the final words of the song. “All I ever have to be, is what You made me. Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan.” How true. That’s all any of us have to be. The light and love that God made us to be. Once I reflected on the truth of this, all doubt and fears went away. My ministry will be wherever I am because my church is within me. I feel truly blessed to know that I am never abandoned, alone, or unloved. A day that began so lonely and bleak had suddenly been filled with the bright, warm, loving Light of God.
Rev. Sandy Pruitt is a Pathways of Light minister who lives in Greencastle, Indiana
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