October - December, 2005
“This is not what you should be doing with your life.”
I have always been a sensitive type so spiritual bursts of wisdom have never been strange to me yet the above ‘knowing’ that hit me one August day in 2004 pretty well knocked the wind out of me and has launched me on a journey I never anticipated I would need.
Some back story is in order: I was a good Catholic girl, intelligent, making the grades I was supposed to, going to college in the late 1970’s as I was privileged to, and marrying at age 25 to go on to raise my three children, staying at home during their youth, of course. I worked part time as a bookkeeper as my kids got older and then pursued a Paralegal certificate in due course to finally pursue my longtime interest in the law. No childhood traumas, no broken hearts, no health tragedies. Everything just as it should be.
After finishing my Paralegal studies, my older brother chided me that I would never be content working for a lawyer, knowing I could do the work better. On a dare I took the LSAT exam for Law School entrance, never expecting that I could qualify. In fact, I more than qualified, I excelled, and was offered a full scholarship to Law School. All of a sudden, a whim became a reality. There was no doubt in my mind that God had directed this whole process. I figured if He could work out the finances I could find a way to survive Oral Arguments when I was even petrified to speak in front of a bunch of 4th Grade Girl Scouts!
And so, I became a lawyer. Naturally I passed the bar exam the first time I took it — at this point, I figured that this detail to the Almighty was mere fluff. Then I went to work for a litigation firm learning the joys of billable hours and the endless barrage of paper artillery.
Okay, I thought, there is always a learning curve, you will like what you’re doing after you get more comfortable with it… Well, it’s been a year, but you’ve assumed a lot of administrative tasks around here and it’ll be easier when things calm down… Hmmm, we’re into year three, you’ve done all the right things, you know how to file papers in Court without a clerk ranting at you, but you’re still not happy. God gave you all of this, what is wrong with you?
Which brings me to last summer: Once again the boss left town for three weeks as was his habit and left the office in my dubiously capable hands. But, this year, instead of crises after crises, and missed deadlines turning into potentials for malpractice, I handled it all. I kept the peace among the employees, I managed the overflowing toilet melodrama, I steered the steady flow of litigation into its proper channels. Yes, my ego was in super mode. But then, the voice filled my senses:
“This is not what you should be doing with your life.”
It has taken some time (and several other anecdotes) to come to my discovery of A Course in Miracles practice and to realize that I need to look inside to find out how God wants to use me in His ministry. My journey has been automatic for so long in my life that stopping to consider my path going forward is a challenging, sometimes paralyzing prospect.
Did I make a mistake in assuming that God directed me to the Law? I don’t think so. My error, more likely, has been falling back on past insecurities that I am not somehow good enough and if I don’t take the first position offered to me that no one else will want me. What I now realize is that I have often in my life not taken the time to consult with Holy Spirit as to how to use my career for God’s benefit. Law is not the mistake, but for me, anything hinting of continuing controversy rather than peace and mediation cannot be my mission.
I am very excited about starting my path towards my ordination. I hope that those who have been ordained continue to see that the beginners out here need the stories of your journey and how you have overcome the hurdles that arise through the process.
Right now, I struggle daily in the real world stuck in a job that I know is not for me but am wise enough not to run from before I discern God’s plan for me. I look forward to the day when I do not have that knot of dread in my gut each Monday and can carry the joyous peace from my course meditations into more of my earth-bound day. I have made a start, but the path seems so difficult at times, I look to you and others and thank you for your support.
Still, I carry more hope than ever. Even after just two courses, I look at everyone I meet differently, seeing the potential for a miracle. If you hear of a tale where a law firm closes down because no clients were willing to fight any longer over car accidents and barking dogs, you’ll know that I’m making progress!
Barbe Smith is a Pathways of Light student who lives in Havertown, Pennyslvania.
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