Miracles News

January-March, 2023

Remembering Who We Truly Are

by Rev. Derek Dube, Ordained Ministerial Counselor

I’ve been struggling over the past four months about my father’s passing away. Truth be told, he took his own life. For the first couple of weeks, I was in shock and then spent the next several weeks going through the “normal” emotions per the counselors and experts on suicide, (anger, sadness, guilt, happy memories, etc.).

At this time, and all the time since, I kept asking myself “WHY” and I concluded that a person takes their own life when the physical, emotional, mental, and/or spiritual pain becomes too difficult to bear. The question for me is not “WHY” anymore, but why did he/she/they have to get to the point where they decided this was their only option. I had heard many years ago that suicide was the cowards way out, but I DID NOT believe it then and I certainly DO NOT believe that now.

The pain, (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual), that a person experiences in those final moments, must be so intense, so debilitating, that the consequences and experiences for the people left behind is not a consideration or even on the pained person’s radar. They simply do not see any other alternative at all. And for that, I feel an enormous amount of empathy for them.

When my sister, Debra, passed away in June of 2021 and my mom, Pearl, in September of 2021, it definitely was sad, and I miss them both tremendously and love them a great deal. But they passed away due to health reasons and was not a total surprise.

Although my dad’s health was not the best, it still shook the hell out of me. When someone commits suicide, it is a whole new level of grief — a different kind of grief! A grief that I had never felt before.

I’m old enough to know that time has a way of healing, and we begin to function in life again, although the person and what they meant to us never goes away. I have been healing over the past 18 months of the pain of losing my beloved family members and I enjoy contemplating all the happy memories that I shared with each of them. The memories are a comfort and a joy that I will cherish for the rest of my life. This is my way of honoring the 92 years that my dad, Gerard Dube, walked his earthly experience and that his life had meaning — a huge meaning for me.

So how does this fit into my ACIM experience? I am reminded of a book written by Neale Donald Walsch, titled, “The Little Soul and the Sun” (I highly recommend this book). A quick synopsis tells us that there was this little soul in Heaven (me) who wanted to incarnate on earth to practice forgiveness and although God said there was nothing to forgive, the little soul still wanted to go ahead with his idea.

There was another little soul (my dad) who overheard the conversation and said that she would be willing to help the first little soul practice forgiveness together on earth because she Loves him. She would come into his life and do things to him to forgive. She would be the ’bad one.’ She would do terrible things to him so he could be the One Who Forgives. She had one request though, “In the moment that I strike you and smite you, in the moment that I do the worst to you that you could possibly imagine, in that very moment – Remember Who I Really Am.”

Well, my dad was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me — and guess what — I forgot who he really was.

“Accept the dream He gave instead of yours. It is not difficult to change a dream when once the dreamer has been recognized.” (T-27.VII.14:1-2)

My dad’s actions toward me were really calls for love and for the vast majority of our time together, I did not answer his calls with love. I responded with anger, hate and resentment. I have been struggling with the guilt that comes with this type of response for many years. The last two years of his life, he had changed and took responsibility for his actions and asked for forgiveness. I told him that I forgave him and told him almost daily that I loved him. Our relationship improved vastly over the two years prior to his suicide and for that I am grateful.

I am still reeling and continue my healing process and my ability to forgive myself for my misguided responses. I have learned more about forgiveness in the past few months than I have in my 66 years combined before this. His physical death has helped me realize that we are all walking around with pains that nobody knows. The lesson for me is to be kind, understanding, gentle, compassionate, accepting, considerate and loving toward my brothers.

In many of the meditations that I have practiced since he left the earthly plane, I have experienced such empathy for people, a deep level of empathy that I have never approached before. I now know that his relationship in my life was for me to practice forgiveness, and I am truly grateful for the gift that he has bestowed upon me.

“Dream softly of your sinless brother, who unites with you in holy innocence. And from this dream the Lord of Heaven will Himself awaken his beloved Son. Dream of your brother’s kindnesses instead of dwelling in your dreams on his mistakes. Select his thoughtfulness to dream about instead of counting up the hurts he gave. Forgive him his illusions and give thanks to him for all the helpfulness he gave. And do not brush aside his many gifts because he is not perfect in your dreams. He represents his Father, whom you see as offering both life and death to you.” (T-27.VII.15:1-7)

Rev. Derek Dube is a Pathways of Light minister living in Waukesha, Wisconsin.
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