October-December, 2004
Prayers, miracles and God have always been a part of my life. The beauty of God’s creations and the serenity of God’s Love swelled in my spirit despite a society dismissing such serenity as easily as empty McDonald’s containers. We prayed for people’s health, their travels, their trials and tribulations though ignored the praises to our Creator for what health and happiness we experienced. God became a “Sugar Daddy”; “Give me this and that!” rather than seen for what Love is: Our Creator, the Guide of the Universe, the essence of our soul’s journeys.
We can pray and hope, beg and plead for what we want from a toy truck to a healthy heart. Yet we must remember to praise our Creator for assisting us on the journey we have agreed to, both the dark nights and the golden days. We must remember to pray with our Creator to assist us in remembering our spiritual life and to fulfill our soul’s journey to the best of our ability. Too often we judge ourselves in terms of how well we protect others, raise perfect children and behave by societal norms. We ignore the truth in order to be accepted, decrease earthly conflict and escape from ourselves. We run from what we know to be the truth only to be enmeshed within religious institutions and societal ways. And then we attempt to make sure that all others follow us.
I spent the first thirty years of my life with an internal battle between what I knew to be truth and the path I had been asked to follow. In the middle of studying to be an ordained minister, I had an experience that changed my life. My daughter was sixteen at the time. Her father and I separated when she was one year old, making me a single parent with no assistance. My daughter spent her younger years being labeled everything from emotionally disturbed, strong-willed and having potential, to being a joy to be around and a wonderful dance student. She lived with a mother who was often confused, a perfectionist, a workaholic and had few effective parenting skills. I tried everything from yelling to time-outs, sticker charts, rewards and consequences. Keeping her busy with dancing proved the most effective. Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) wasn’t very popular back then or she probably would have been diagnosed such, though I am glad that she wasn’t diagnosed in this way.
My daughter had her own soul journey and I was right in the middle of it, so it seemed. In my heart, I knew she was her own person and had her own journey. I allowed her to pick out her own clothes, eat when hungry, and attempt to monitor herself with parental guidance; something I hadn’t learned until later in life. I was ridiculed and scorned for her behavior as well as mine, and yet I stuck to what my Higher Self told me was the best action to take. As she became older, the advice and scorn increased. My daughter left home for weeks at a time saying she was going to this person’s home or the other. Often drugs were involved, cruising late at night and overall “deviant” behavior according to our society. But I was always there if she wanted to come home or needed a ride out of a potentially dangerous situation. I trusted her until she proved otherwise. I guided her and assisted with the positives in her life as much as I could. And I prayed! I didn’t pray that she would do this or do that; I didn’t ask our Creator for her to come home and go to school like a “good girl.” But rather, I prayed she was as safe as possible as she followed her chosen path and that she would keep God in her heart.
I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to allow my daughter to follow her own journey until one evening after work as I walked through the front door. My daughter was in her usual position: sprawled on the living room sofa. Everything appeared in its usual fashion: the apathy when I said hello, the lack of movement and the overall lethargy. But today had been different for her. Her boyfriend’s mother wouldn’t allow him to visit her that afternoon. So she made another plan: She asked her girlfriend to take her to WalMart, which her girlfriend did. Inside WalMart, my daughter purchased two bottles of aspirin and then had her girlfriend drive her home. She said she had a headache. Once at home alone, she swallowed the aspirin.
As I walked through the front door that evening feeling the daily frustration of my daughter not upholding her end of the bargain of either attending school or having a job, I had no awareness of the emotional pain she was experiencing or the journey she was following until she called out my name and told me of her actions. Often dealing with crisis in my work, I immediately went into the counselor mode. I had her tell me where the empty aspirin bottles were and I counted how many pills were left in the bottles. I, then, called the local emergency room to report that I was bringing her in immediately. I pulled my daughter into the car despite her objections and drove her to the ER as she was passing out on me.
Once in the ER, I stood by her side as she went in and out of consciousness and the nurses struggled to get a tube down her throat. I stood and watched as God spoke to me, “This is your daughter’s journey. You have been a good parent and guide. This is not about you, but rather between your daughter and Me. Pray that she keeps Me in her heart. This is her soul’s journey.” And so I did as I said good-bye to any selfish prayers I may have had of wanting her to live. I prayed she would keep her Creator in her heart and remember the truth. That day I learned how little I knew about the soul journey of others.
Today, my daughter is twenty-two years old with a beautiful husband and son. She is happy and living a life she loves. She may not do everything the way that her mother would do it, but she is being true to her soul journey and I am to mine. We love each other dearly and spend time together whenever possible. She continues to be my teacher and guardian angel.
Rev. Vallee Rose is a Pathways of Light minister living in Raton, New Mexico.
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