Miracles News

January-March, 2010

The Ego in Disguise

by Rev. Larry Glenz

Does the ego sometimes disguise itself as Holy Spirit? For seven years my son Kevin has been battling an insidious addiction to opiates such as oxycontin and heroin. Trying to “fix” Kevin by forcing him into inpatient and outpatient rehabs has never had the desired effect. Society teaches that our role as parents requires us to protect our children. What kind of parent sits back and watches his son destroy his life without making every effort possible to save him? But whose hand am I holding when I make all these desperate attempts to force him back into a program of recovery – the ego’s or the Holy Spirit’s?

I thought I had learned a lesson in this. When I first found out that Kevin had become addicted to oxycontin in college, I did the responsible thing. I set up an intervention with the people I knew he most loved and respected. Since Kevin was a quality athlete – a Division 1 scholarship lacrosse player at the University of Massachusetts – I recruited his college and high school coaches in the intervention process. I tried to cover every base in making sure that Kevin would stop his use of these dangerous drugs and restore himself to a productive path that would allow him future success in the world. He didn’t like that I exposed his drug use. Whose hand was I holding then — the ego’s or the Holy Spirit’s?

After returning to college and having a successful senior year as a student athlete, he relapsed again. Although he would eventually graduate, he had no coping skills for his disease and didn’t appear to want to develop any. After many more efforts, I finally surrendered — or at least I thought I did. Although Kevin’s addiction progressed, I continued to love him anyway while following my Al-Anon slogan, “Let go and let God.” I asked my Higher Power for guidance and received the answer, “Just love him anyway. You have no idea what he needs to go through.”

I trusted Holy Spirit’s advice and watched him slowly deteriorate over the next year. Then a “miracle” took place. His 40 year old cousin, Rob, visited New York from Iowa and offered him a fresh start. If he agreed to go to rehab for 28 days in Iowa and commit to a program of recovery, he could live and work with him. Rob is a very solid guy and loves Kevin. Feeling that he was at rock bottom, Kevin wanted to accept Rob’s help. He decided on his own to go to Iowa, get clean, and start a new life of recovery in the Midwest. A miracle had taken place.

For almost a year, Kevin was devoted to recovery. He was going to meetings, working two jobs, and taking college classes toward a new career. He lived with Rob and his wife, Marla. He had a new girlfriend. He was happy, healthy, and proud of his recovery. We both agreed that one of the best parts of his recovery was how our relationship as father and son had been restored to the good old pre-addiction days — even if we were a thousand miles apart.

When he informed me that his girlfriend Melanie was pregnant, the news certainly made me apprehensive. Kevin seemed excited, however, about being a father. Although I wouldn’t have chosen this challenge for him so quickly in his program of recovery, I continued to ”let go and let God.” That is until he relapsed. Once Melanie had called me to say she found syringes and drug paraphernalia in his car – I was on the first plane out of New York to get him back into rehab. Whose hand was I holding then — the ego’s or the Holy Spirit’s?

Kevin resisted going back into rehab and resented me for coming to Iowa and causing trouble. His cousin Rob and girlfriend Melanie were supportive, however.

The baby was due in less than one month and Kevin had already accumulated substantial debts due to his drug use. When Kevin continued to resist rehab, we had Rob and Melanie apply to the court for a “civil committal.”

Two sheriffs picked Kevin up at his job on a court order and took him to rehab against his will. I went back to New York convinced that I had done the responsible thing for Kevin, Melanie, and the baby. But whose hand was I really holding when I did this — the ego’s or the Holy Spirit’s?

A beautiful baby girl, Olivia Christine, was born on Oct. 11, 2009. Kevin is still not committed to recovery. Melanie and Kevin don’t trust each other but live together with the baby. Kevin still resents my interference. Melanie greatly appreciates my efforts. Rob will help Melanie and Olivia in any way he can; but he’s down on Kevin for his refusal to stay in recovery.

I’m back to “letting go and letting God” and still wondering if the ego is disguising himself as the Holy Spirit when I turn to Him. Some say the best way to tell is whether or not I feel peace. I felt little peace during that whole ordeal.

I know if I am mistaking the ego for the Holy Spirit, I will get another chance, many chances, to get it right. I am committed to asking for His help in making my decisions and expect to improve my ability to recognize the ego’s disguise.

Rev. Larry Glenz is a Pathways of Light minister living in Long Island, New York.

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