Miracles News

July-September, 2011

The One About Specialness

Rev. Steve Mead, O.M.C.

Rev. Steve Mead In Chapter 24 of A Course in Miracles, the first two sentences in paragraph two of the Introduction read, “To learn this course requires willingness to question every value you hold. Not one can be kept hidden…” When I first read this eight years ago, I thought, “This seems simple. I should probably ace this course in no time at all!” What I didn’t realize was that I was using ego to interpret the directions.

What I was willing to question was every value that I thought others held, which I did question, often! I knew what love was. I had been ‘in love’ many times, and sacrifice was not only part of being in love; basically sacrifice proved the emotion was love. What was Jesus telling me in this chapter? Suddenly I wasn’t so enthusiastic about looking at love differently. Perhaps it was no coincidence that my love life (as I understood love) was in great turmoil. Within a year I was going through a divorce, and I couldn’t even do that correctly… I still loved my wife and deep inside me I knew she loved me.

The next few years went by quickly. I found much relief and purpose in my life reading ACIM and course related materials. I was led to the ordination process of Pathways of Light, attended multiple course related workshops and conventions, made what I believe will be life-long friends from all over the country and still, my love life was in turmoil. “Why would it be so difficult for God to give me a special person to love?” I wondered frequently.

In another coincidence (?) my former wife also got involved with the Course, and we began meeting and discussing the various principles we found in it. We even began to study a course Pathway’s of Light offers, dealing with special/holy relationships. That joint study lasted about two weeks, ha ha. What we were being asked to look at (ourselves) wasn’t going to solve any problem we thought we had. We each wanted to experience a holy relationship and we each had conditions on how that experience should look. Talk about a capacity to suffer! It was miserable!

We sought counsel from several highly regarded teachers of the Course, The counsel we received seemed boringly all the same: “Whenever you are upset you can be sure that you are looking through your own ego.” In other words, “Look within and forgive.” I couldn’t do it. To me, all she had to do was be like I wanted her to be, and she seemed to be inflexible to that desire of mine. What manner of love is that?

I was tired of suffering and I couldn’t not suffer. The old escapes from ‘relationships gone bad’ were not available anymore. My ex-wife and I were now spending more and more time together, trying to figure out our relationship. In our hearts, we heard the same song and it was a solo. The way we were living our lives, the song was a duet. Almost simultaneously, we arrived at the conclusion that, “we couldn’t figure it out.” A very real sense of peace enveloped me. I saw the problem as the problem was; I wanted to be special! I wanted to be treated in a very special way. I wanted the safety and protection of my ego. I wanted what could never be!

I re-read chapter 24 again for the hundredth time, and finally “saw” the simple directions. I questioned the values I held and found I no longer wanted them. I wanted peace and peace I found. Later on in that same chapter Jesus says, “Specialness is the great dictator of the wrong decisions.” Once I was willing to question my values, I saw that I was worshiping that ego dictator of mine, and simply put, I didn’t want to anymore. I wanted to experience who I really am… and I’m happy to report that I’m being introduced to someone who isn’t special at all!

Rev. Stephan Mead is a Pathways of Light minister living in Seattle, Washington.
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