I’ve been reading a lot of Byron Katie recently, and have found much of what she says to be really helpful. Something that really helped me was hearing her be completely defenseless. She says something like, “So you think I am too emotional. Maybe you are right. Let me sit with that awhile.” This is peace. What might she have said instead? She might have denied it. “What do you mean I am too emotional? That’s ridiculous. I am nothing like that.” That is war.
I have been in both places, but most often, I have been to war. I can remember being defensive even when I knew my accuser was right. What drives me to defend myself at all cost? Katie says that I do this because I believe my thoughts. I have thoughts which I have not examined, have not questioned, but have simply accepted as truth.
Someone says, “Myron, you are too emotional.” I have a thought that says I have been attacked by this person. I must defend myself. Instead of questioning whether this thought is true, I simply accept it as gospel and set up my defenses. There is another choice, though. Using The Work, I would consider the thought I am being attacked by this person, and ask myself if that is true. Can I absolutely know this is true?
I will have to say no right off because I can see that this might not be his intent at all. Maybe he is trying to help me. Maybe he is projecting his own stuff on me and so cannot see me at all. Actually, I could delete the maybe because I know this is true. That doesn’t mean he is not right.
Now here is a thought. Maybe I don’t understand the nature of attack in this case. Maybe he means to attack me for whatever reason, but choosing to see it as attack is my choice. Perhaps I could see it as a chance to go within to examine my thinking and my motives. In this case, however he might have meant the remark, for me it is not an attack but a gift.
So, no, I cannot know for a certainty that he has attacked me. Katie would then encourage me to notice how this lie affects me when I hold onto it. I put myself back into that place where I heard him say that I am too emotional and I decided he was attacking me. I notice my feelings, my body, my reactions. I see that I tense up, I become agitated and I defend myself through attack.
The way I defend myself is to make him wrong so I can be right. He becomes the guilty one so that I can preserve the illusion of my innocence. I cannot defend myself without attacking him. Even if I make my words pretty and spiritual, it is still an attack, perhaps a veiled attack, but still an attack. Maybe I could try to fool myself and him by saying, “Honey, I know you mean well, but this simply is not true.” Take the pretty words, and gentle delivery away, and what do I have? “You are wrong and I am right.”
If I want to protect my illusory innocence I will have to justify my response by reminding myself that he threw down the gauntlet. He fired off the first round so he is at fault. I am just doing my best not to be taken out by his unwarranted attack. Now I have to gather some ammunition so I can return fire. I have to think of all his faults, all the times he has been wrong and gather them close to me because I will be needing them. I also need to reinforce my embattlements so that he cannot pierce my heart again with his unkind words. All meaningful communication has ceased because we are both busy preparing for war.
And what am I protecting? A lie. An unexamined theory as Katie would say. I listened to the thinking mind, the ego mind, and I believed the thought that he is attacking me. There is more at stake here than simply arguing who is right. There is an underlying idea behind this state of war. To argue who is right it is necessary that I see us as separate. He is over there and I am over here. He has an agenda that is different from my agenda.
God created us whole, one, undivided and forever a part of each other. In a moment of senseless defense I have taught myself that I am divided, separate, weak and vulnerable. And what I teach myself I teach my brother. Wherever we go, we go together. We remain in hell… together, or we go to heaven… together.
In Lesson 135 in A Course in Miracles, it says, “For no one walks the world in armature but must be afraid.” It goes on to say, “Defense is frightening. It stems from fear, increasing fear as each defense is made. You think it offers safety. Yet it speaks of fear made real and terror justified.” As I defend myself I teach myself that I am one in need of defense, that I have reason to be afraid.
Then Katie would have me put myself in that place again and examine how I would feel if I let go of my story. How would it feel to hear him say that I am too emotional if I did not have the thought in my mind that he was attacking me? I could answer that by saying I would be free, and interested, and curious.
I might even be grateful that he cared enough to chance being attacked. I might feel compassion for him if he was projecting his own stuff because I know how that feels. I could be so open to possibilities. I feel excited just thinking about it. I feel grateful for this gift.
I have experienced not being willing to let my story go. It feels like I can’t. The story isn’t true. It hurts me and yet I cannot bring myself to even imagine what it feels like without the story. That kind of resistance is painful. My saving grace is that I know I am not alone. I go within and ask my Holy Spirit for help. I give whatever willingness I have to this and then I don’t worry about it. I know that if I ask it will be given.
Katie has what she calls the turnaround and this is especially helpful when I am resisting. I had said that that he attacked me and I turn it around to say that he did not attack me. I have seen already where this is at least as true as my original thought. I saw that maybe he was only trying to help me. I saw that maybe he didn’t mean it the way I heard it. I saw that maybe he was only talking to himself, whatever he believed he was doing.
Another turnaround is that I attacked him and I know this is equally true. When I saw him wrong it was an attack. When I blamed him it was an attack. When I wanted him to change it was an attack. I was as good as saying that it is not ok that he be what he is. This is an attack.
Katie says that all our suffering comes not from what is happening to us by from what we think about what is happening to us. I was reading NTI, The Holy Spirit’s Interpretation of the New Testament, and in Luke 13 the Holy Spirit says, “It is your thoughts that have made you suffer. And so, if you would choose freedom, you must also choose freedom from your thoughts.” A Course in Miracles says, “The fact that I see a world in which there is suffering and loss and death shows me that I am seeing only the representation of my insane thoughts, and am not allowing my real thoughts to cast their beneficent light on what I see.”
I am not slave to my thoughts, and though they come and go seemingly without my control, I do have a choice as to whether I believe them or not. I have thoughts that are true. Those are the thoughts I think with God. But I also have many thoughts that are not true. Those are the thoughts I think with the ego. They are defensive thoughts because that is the ego’s job. It represents a false system of thought and so must always defend itself. But I am not the ego and so I do not have to believe what it tells me.
The next time I feel attacked by someone’s words I can believe that thought and suffer. Or I can choose not to believe in attack, and simply listen with a child’s open curiosity and consider the possibilities that acceptance opens for me. Perhaps someone reading this will not agree with me and will tell me that I am wrong. And perhaps I will be willing to lay aside my armament and instead go inside to question if they might be right. In so doing, maybe I will become aware of a deeper meaning or a truer way to see.
The difference between holding onto the story and letting it go is the difference between suffering and joy, between war and peace. It is my choice which I experience. I am free to open my mind and loose it from all thoughts that are not the truth. Then my mind will hold only what I think with God.
© Copyright 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
You may freely share copies of this with your friends, provided this notice is included.
Has this page been helpful to you?
Your contribution in support of this site is greatly appreciated. To make a tax deductible contribution or become a member online, go to http://www.pathwaysoflight.org/polshop/home.php?cat=254.
Or send a check or money order to Pathways of Light, 6 Oak Court, Ormond Beach, FL 32174-2623 (USD only, please) Thank you for your support.