I was reading the single quiet thought that the Holy Spirit gave Regina Dawn Akers and I thought about how I have used these ideas. The following is first the thought, and then an example from my own life.
Fear will hold you back from forgiveness.
Fear will hold you back
from letting go of
a false idea as false.
Fear will tell you
that it protects you from harm
and to let go of the idea in question
is to open up to complete vulnerability
and harm.
But fear is just a story.
Fear is an illusion itself.
It promises to care for you,
but what it says isn’t true.
Look at the idea of fear.
Look at its counsel
until you see it isn’t true.
You are free to practice forgiveness
when you’ve learned
not to listen to fear.
Holy Spirit through Regina Dawn Akers
When I take my mistaken thoughts to the Holy Spirit for correction I am forgiving them. This is what forgiveness means to me; it is the undoing of ego or separation thoughts. As I read this single quiet thought from Holy Spirit many instances I have experienced this flashed through my mind. The one that grabbed my attention was from the situation with my son’s sickness. He was very sick for weeks and the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with him. He was weak, losing weight and becoming dehydrated every few days. It was very frightening to me.
I experienced so much fear as this situation dragged on and on, but at the same time, I kept going to Holy Spirit with this fear. There were a lot of thoughts that I did not want to keep, and each one I brought to Holy Spirit only to notice that in a bit the thought was back in my mind. Now I know that Holy Spirit isn’t failing to do His job, so it must be me that is failing to let go of the thought. I imagine myself handing a thought to him but then clutching the thought so that He cannot take it.
Clearly, the reason I was not letting go of these fear thoughts is that I thought they held some value to me. I was listening to the stories the ego was telling me and I was believing them. I was afraid to examine the stories, because I was afraid that this would lead to not believing them, and the stories were all that I had to protect me. Writing this out here I can see how absurd this reasoning really is, but at the time I didn’t see it because I was afraid to look too closely.
But each time I brought these thoughts to the Holy Spirit it helped me move a tiny bit closer to trust. Each time my willingness grew a little and I became a little more willing to forgive myself and this situation. Finally, when a friend suggested we pray as a group for Toby, I was ready to finally accept Holy Spirit’s gift. I agreed and in the moment I joined with my friends in praying I felt the shift from fear to acceptance.
I was finally able to look at the fear and see what it was telling me. I said I wanted to give the fear thoughts to the Holy Spirit for correction. The ego said that if I did that I would have nothing to protect me from the Holy Spirit. I said that the Holy Spirit would give me only what would be helpful. The ego said that maybe the most helpful thing would be for Toby to die. This is where I had always shut down before. This time I stayed with it and continued to look at the ego story. I gave my trust to the Holy Spirit and surrendered completely.
This part is harder for me to put into words because there were no words involved. In my willingness to surrender to trust, the ego story dissolved. Well, the story was still there, but it became meaningless to me. I simply didn’t believe in it anymore. This did not mean I knew Toby wasn’t going to die. I surrendered to that possibility, too. I accepted that I did not know what would be the next step in his and my awakening, but that I wanted it. If this is the time when Toby let go of his story and moved on to the next one, then that is what would happen. What I let go of was the meaning I was giving that possibility.
I thought about what that would feel like, and as I think of it now I feel intense grief, but I still do not feel fear about it. I don’t know what it means and I am not interested in making up a meaning. Without my meaning clouding the picture I find it easy to trust. Fear was promising to care for me. I see that very clearly now, and I also see that when I was able to really look at what fear was offering me, I knew that was a lie. I am very grateful for where I am now. Toby began healing after we all joined in prayer and so did I. I am very glad that he is still here in this story with me, but I am even more grateful to be free of the fear. I am grateful for the experience I had which taught me so much.
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