Journal for Day 28
LESSON 28
Above all else I want to see things differently.
“You see a lot of separate things about you, which really means you are not seeing at all.”
Well, there’s a clue for you. Haha. I definitely see lots of different things, so clearly, I am not seeing at all. As Jesus says, I am only image making. My thoughts are images I have made. I have thought for a long time now that all is light or energy that coalesces until it is dense enough to appear as something that I want to see with my eyes.
I know this is just a concept, a thought in the mind that wants very much to actually see, but it is given some weight now by George yesterday. He said that he actually asked a Tibetan lama what an enlightened person sees when he looks at a cup. He said that the person would see “only energy.” So maybe I have been right about that, but I don’t want to be right, I want to see the essence of things, what is actually there. Above all else, I want to see.
And what does it mean to see? Will I see with this body’s eyes this keyboard as it actually is? Or will I see with my mind, with my spiritual eye, what it actually is? When I asked Cate Grieves about this, she said that she sees the world as we made it when she looks with her eyes, though even that sight is getting thinner. What she sees with her mind is something else altogether. She sees nothing as separate from anything else and everything as part of her. Oh, I really do want to see above all else. But of course, I don’t really or I would already. But I want to want this above all else.
So what I must do is withdraw my preconceived ideas about the keyboard. I must not bind its meaning to my tiny experience of this keyboard. I must not limit it to my little personal thoughts. I am so sure that I know about this keyboard. Can I let that all go? It seems impossible and yet, Jesus said he would not ask me to do anything I could not do. And what will I get for my effort? For one thing, “It has something to show you; something beautiful and clean and of infinite value, full of happiness and hope.” Oh my God, what a thought!
Really, all I am being asked to do is to withdraw my judgment from this keyboard; but not just judgment as I usually think of judgment. This is judgment that goes beyond whether it is a good keyboard or a bad keyboard, a judgment of whether it is ascetically pleasing or if it is easy to use or has convenient options. No, this is judgment at its fundamental core.
I am judging its meaning and I am committing to withdraw that judgment; to admit I have no idea what this keyboard is any more than I know what anything is. Evidently, I still have a belief that I need this world I made to have meaning. But, I also have a belief that I am wrong about that. I have a belief that I no longer care about the world I see and that I want more than anything else to relinquish all value I have ever placed in it. I am willing for this and I will surrender to that desire.
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