Journal for Day 5
Lesson 5
I am never upset for the reason I think.
There are no small upsets. They are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind.
At first, I thought I only had a couple of upsets in my life, but then I read that there are no small upsets. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. This is a world of division where we separate everything into categories such as big and small. But any upset disturbs my peace so all upsets are equal. I, of course, first think of the ones that feel most disturbing to me. Someone dear to me suffers from depression and is often suicidal. It scares me and breaks my heart. But, I am not afraid and sad for the reason I think.
Then the seemingly smaller upsets began to surface in my mind. I visited my daughter yesterday and as usual, I felt nervous about my granddaughter climbing the stairs and stumbling over something on the floor. I hate that I react to those fears that she will hurt herself. I know this makes my daughter uncomfortable, and really, it is like I am telling her that she is not a good mother. I really want to stop. I really want to give this fear to the Holy Spirit. I know it comes from my own memories of things I did wrong when my kids were little and some remaining guilt about that. I am not worried about my granddaughter for the reason I think.
Jesus, how do I stop being afraid for my granddaughter?
Jesus: You are really afraid for your daughter. You have suffered so much guilt from your perceived parenting mistakes that you are terrified your precious daughter will suffer the same thing. Your mind is mired in the past and in guilt and it holds you in place. Remember that this is only an ancient memory you hold before your eyes. Step back from the story a little and you will see what it is for. As you step back you can free yourself from fear enough to see that you are experiencing this story for a purpose. Do you see what it is for?
Me: Well, I see that guilt and fear make for a very miserable life and that I no longer want to keep this story alive with my desire to experience it. I want to forgive myself and the beliefs that perpetuate the fear and guilt.
Jesus: Yes, exactly. You simply forgot your purpose and when you did, the story became your focus, and the story is one of fear and guilt as it often is in the separation stories. Remember that your only function is to accept the Atonement for yourself. This ultimate forgiveness will bless you and all the world with you.
Your daughter and your granddaughter will receive the blessing. Your son will receive the blessing. Your heart will lighten and you will remember the truth about them and this will bless them. You will lighten all of the Sonship with your holiness as you remember your purpose, and fear and guilt will fall away.
Me: Ok, thanks. I know this but there are times I forget. I accept the Atonement for myself. I forgive myself for my apparent past errors and I forgive myself for projecting them onto others and bringing them forward in some unending hellish desire to keep the guilt and fear. I cannot undo this alone, but I know I don’t have to. I give all of this to the Holy Spirit and leave it with Him. I accept His healing.
Oh well, as it turns out, that wasn’t one of the “little” problems. LOL.
August 1, 2018 Daily Quote
“I don’t know who I am” is a helpful response to any thought that tries to define who you are. Definitions are closed and limiting. “I don’t know” opens to potential and discovery. “I don’t know who I am” is a statement that facilitates Self-discovery, because it is a statement that dissolves the idea that definitions are fact.
~ Thoughts of Awakening
I fully accept that I don’t know who I am and it makes me tingle with anticipation knowing that I am going to discover the answer to that. I am not interested in trying to think this out. I know that is not how I find the answer. It seems I am to let go of what cannot be in my true nature as a part of God and that my true Self will just naturally reveal itself to me. Perhaps. Because, of course, I don’t really know. I am certain, though, that I will not know whom I am until I stop believing that I already know, and that the limiting beliefs about myself are true and define me.
NTI
Luke 16
This was a perfect reading for this morning. He talks about confusion and worry and reminds us that if we feel these things we are not listening to Him. He reminds us that we are always choosing between willingness and resistance. Sometimes that is hard to see. This morning when I was talking to Jesus about my fear and guilt, I felt like I wanted to be free but clearly, I was holding onto that which entraps me. My wanting seemed genuine, but my holding onto was resistance.
Then He talked about right and wrong. I felt guilty so that means I was judging and finding myself wrong. He said, “Have I not asked you to lay aside judgment?” Oops.
The next part I read this morning was a helpful reminder. He talked about our thoughts. He said that always, in everything we seem to do, we are choosing among thoughts within our mind. I see that I was making the mistake of focusing on the world just as Jesus told me. I need to focus on the thoughts that are causing the world if I want to return to peace.
The Holy Spirit reminded me in Luke of another thing that became clear this morning when I was talking to Jesus. He said this: Let me tell you that of yourself, you cannot stop judgment by the law that has been believed within your mind. That is because you chose to believe this law, and so the law is your desire. In order to have the law erased from your mind, you must give your willingness that it be erased.
This is the same thing ACIM tells us. It says that we cannot do this ourselves. It says that the Holy Spirit will remove from our mind the thought that we don’t want. This is the one thing I don’t forget. I have proven over and over that I cannot heal myself, but that if I truly want to be healed, it will be done for me.
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