Journal for Day 47
Chapter 9
VII. The Two Evaluations
Within our mind are two evaluations of our selves. The ego is unaware of what we are. It does not love us and is mistrustful of us.
“The ego is therefore capable of suspiciousness at best and viciousness at worst. That is its range. It cannot exceed it because of its uncertainty. And it can never go beyond it because it can never be certain.”
No matter how many self-help books I read, or what therapist I see, or how grand my accomplishments, there is nothing I can do that will change the ego evaluation of me. So there will always be thoughts in my mind that are critical and self-defeating. It is up to me whether I believe them or not.
“His (Holy Spirit’s) evaluation of you is based on His knowledge of what you are, and so He evaluates you truly. And this evaluation must be in your mind, because He is.”
The Holy Spirit looks on us with love. He is not deceived by anything we do, because He never forgets what we are. He evaluates us truly and because He is in our mind, so is that evaluation. There is a part of our mind that knows we are as God created us, perfect, and wholly peaceful.
Our purpose, while we are here, is to choose which of those evaluations we want to believe and identify with. We cannot do this by asking the ego to help you see differently.
“You cannot evaluate an insane belief system from within it. Its range precludes this. You can only go beyond it, look back from a point where sanity exists and see the contrast.”
So how do we do this? I do it by noticing when I have asked the ego for its interpretation of myself and then I ask the Holy Spirit instead. I know my goal is peace and happiness because that is God’s Will for me. The contrast in those two evaluations and the contrast between the effects of the choices I make are what are teaching me the judgment I want and trust.
Here is an example. I have always hated to ask people to do things for me. I could only be comfortable getting help if I paid for it. But to ask a favor was so uncomfortable that I seldom did it. In the back of my mind, I questioned this reaction but never let myself see the cause. People who love me have formed the habit of insisting on helping me.
That is what happened recently. I have to go to MD Anderson in Houston to get a whole battery of tests done. I will be there for 3 days. I really didn’t want to go alone, but I didn’t want to ask anyone to go with me. My family all work and it would be a major inconvenience even if it were possible. But I know them and I figured someone would step up.
Sure enough, my daughter said she was going to take me. Even though she volunteered and even though I wanted her to go with me, I argued that it was not necessary. She stated emphatically that she was going with me. I noticed all of my resistance but I’m so used to this reaction from myself that I didn’t think much of it.
It turned out the tests and the surgery are not going to be on the same day so I am going to seriously need someone to come with me for the surgery as well, and my daughter doesn’t have any more leave. I had to ask my brother and his wife. My thought was that it was a lot to ask but maybe they would be willing. I had my usual resistance to asking, but it had to be done.
Not only did they say yes but also they were so very loving about it. They responded with statements like, “we are all yours,” and “we love you bunches,” and when I thanked her she said, “welcome with all my heart.” Now here is the interesting part and the part that finally answered the question I had been ignoring. My immediate thought was, “Why are they loving me so much?”
The next thought was, “Oh, this is why I don’t like to ask for anything. I don’t think I deserve to be loved.” It completely cracked open, no, it shattered a long held secret belief that I didn’t deserve love and so it wasn’t right that I should get it without earning it in some way. That was clearly the ego’s evaluation of me, and I had believed it all my life without letting myself realize it. What an extraordinary revelation! I don’t think I can believe that anymore now that I have seen how unreal it must be.
Thank you, so much, Holy Spirit.
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