Journal for Day 52
This morning when I asked the Holy Spirit what I should do, I was led to talk about my experience this week at M D Anderson. I left Tuesday for Houston to spend two days doing tests for an upcoming surgery. I didn’t get much sleep Tuesday night and I had to fast for 8 hours so that Wednesday morning I was both tired and hungry. I didn’t get to eat until after three that afternoon. I know that lots of people fast regularly, but I don’t know how they do it. Hunger wasn’t the problem, really. That passed after a while. But I was tired, emotional and couldn’t think clearly. I knew it was just a combination of sleeplessness and lack of food, but that didn’t change the way I felt.
Still, I was ok most of the day. Sure, I was there to find out what was to be done about this body not operating properly, but that was not my true purpose. I had decided before I left to be love and extend love and to see the Christ in those I met. I did pretty well with that, but I had to remind myself periodically. I also had to remind myself that I am not the malfunctioning body, but the one imaging it into being.
Finally, after a day that seemed to go on forever, we got to the last test. I had to do a CAT scan that lasted an hour and a half. It was very unpleasant to lie absolutely still flat on my back for that long and to do so in a tube. What made it harder was that by that time I was truly exhausted both physically and emotionally. I felt like crying. So what I did was to try to sink below the ego thoughts that said this shouldn’t be happening and that I would prefer something else and to enter into the light.
I did this for a while, and then I set an intention to be outside the body and to watch what was happening and that helped. Another thing I did was to use self-talk. I reminded myself that this process is difficult if I believe it is, and if I listen to the ego thoughts that is what I will believe. I remembered that there is another way to see this and I realized that it would be just as easy to see this as an adventure, to view it with curiosity rather than dread. This worked very well.
As I lay there I watched the whole thing ebb and flow, sometimes feeling exhausted and wanting it to end, then noticing these thoughts and releasing them so that I could accept true thoughts instead. I would be at peace for a while then another ego thought would intrude and I had to start over. I think that giving the body to Jesus to take care of and deliberately choosing not to engage with ego thinking were two very helpful ways of dealing with this. Also, self-talk helped a lot, too, because that reminded me of the truth.
The next day I had to get another long test, an ultrasound on my neck. There was the possibility of a biopsy depending on what they found during the ultrasound. No one likes to hear “biopsy”, especially while at a cancer hospital. I watched the fear thoughts as they came up and was able to easily release them. I remembered that there is nothing to fear because I am not depending on my own strength, but the strength of God in me. I remembered that God is in me and that I am in God. It all went fine and I am happy I didn’t have to have a biopsy, and even happier that I was able to accept it either way.
I am so very grateful for A Course in Miracles. While my visit was not without its ego influences, if I had not been practicing the Course it would have been far more difficult. I was grateful that I remembered that I have a purpose and that purpose does not change with circumstances. I am grateful that I remembered my purpose. I’m also extremely grateful that at those times I listened to the ego, I noticed what was happening and stopped and I did this without making myself feel guilty. Ego happens, but so does correction.
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