Journal for Day 55
LESSON 51
Nothing I see means anything.
It doesn’t mean anything because when I use my eyes, I am not seeing anything that actually exists. They are showing me images made from my thoughts, images that represent what I want to see into existence, and failing this, that I want to believe exists. It’s a hopeless cause, this image making, but it is what I have made in the place of true vision and that is the reason I am ready to know the world I see does not exist. I want to see what does exist and I can’t see them both at the same time.
I have given what I see all the meaning it has for me.
In an effort to give reality to my illusions, I use judgment. I look on what I made and decide what it means and so the illusion seems to take on life. But the judgments are as unreal as the hallucination and so nothing is created, only made. Nothing I see exists in spite of the layer after layer of judgment that I hope will validate what I have done, or at least obscure its lack of reality. But all I am doing is hurting myself.
I do not understand anything I see.
Oh my God, how could I understand anything I see? I have made images of untrue thoughts and using invalid judgments have attempted to give meaning to what does not actually exist. All that I am seeing are my mistaken thoughts. I waste my time if I try to make sense of the world I have thought up. Instead, I intend to keep my focus on simply releasing what is nonsensical for the beauty and glory of reality. I choose to recognize the beliefs that are in error and release them so that I can see what is actually true.
These thoughts do not mean anything.
The reason my thoughts don’t mean anything is that they are not my real thoughts. It is as if I have made a little room in my mind in which I pretend to think outside God and all that I see is the result of these non-thoughts. In this isolated room, I have convinced myself that I created a whole world of my own while God wasn’t looking and He is not part of it. As long as I believe this fairy tale, I have cut myself off from my true thoughts, the thoughts I think with God. This game has lost its glamour and I am no longer satisfied with it. In fact, I wonder if I have driven myself insane trying to obscure reality with my judgments. If so, I have found the strength of God in me that is allowing me to return to sanity.
I am never upset for the reason I think.
Ever since I have made this little world in my mind, I have spent each moment, day and night, trying to keep it going, trying to defend it. Lie after lie must be justified, and attacks seem warranted under the circumstances. Everyone is my enemy eventually, even those who are so very special to me, maybe especially those.
I seem to be embattled on all fronts. Someone wants my money, people make me sick with their contagions, politicians make foolish decisions and I am hurt by them. There are wars and threats of wars, hurricanes, and all sorts of natural disasters. Relationships fall apart and leave me feeling alone and betrayed. It is all someone’s fault, something done to me by someone else. They are the reason I am upset.
And yet, how could that be? This is my world, made by me. How could something happen that is not my desire? I have learned that no one hurts me but me and that I do it in defense of an insane thought system, which is my real problem. It is this thought system that is the cause of my upset and I am more than willing, anxious even, to let it go in favor of reality. There is nothing of it worth keeping.
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