It is self-will that seems to be the stumbling block for me. I seem, even now, to be in love with my own will. I have a kidney stone that the doctor expects me to pass before Monday. I also had a wedding to officiate during the week. Most things can be postponed, but weddings, with their printed invitations and expensive catering and the availability of the rented hall…. well, you can’t just put a wedding off, especially at the last moment.
I was very nervous about this. I was afraid I would not be able to make it. If I just had a cold or something, I would have bullied my way through it, but if I am in the middle of passing a stone, this isn’t going to happen. I worried over the whole thing for awhile and thought I had found a solution, but that didn’t work out.
I began to notice that I was obsessing about it, and that I was listening to the mind with all its stories of doom and gloom, which is what the mind does. It weaves stories, and this weaving of stories continues the writing of script. This is not something I want to do, so I started my practices of mantra and surrender. I asked myself who it was that wanted to solve this problem. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me see differently. But then I would realize I was back to listening to the mind as it showed me that there really was a problem.
Finally, that night before I went to sleep, I asked the Holy Spirit to help me. When I woke up the next morning, I understood something. As I listened to the thinking mind tell its stories, I was stepping back into my little self. I was trying to assert my self-will in this situation. The mind said I had a problem (even thought nothing had happened, by the way) and that I needed to find a solution. I needed to make decisions and make plans.
As I became aware of what was happening, the anxiety melted away. I know I don’t want to do these things. I want to be fully surrendered to God. I want God to walk the earth through me. I cannot have this desire of my Heart if I wrest back control of the situation through asserting my self-will. As I remembered what I really want it became easy to let go.
The ego responded of course, and I had occasional thoughts about it. I had fear thoughts that it really is important that the wedding go on. But I was no longer confused and I just laughed at the idea I know what anything is for. I remembered the section from The Teachings of the Inner Ramana that says I have no control over the what, only over the where. I cannot control what was happening with my body or the wedding. However, I can control where I place my faith and my willingness. I chose to ignore the mind with its crazy thoughts, and to place my attention on the Heart where the Truth abides.
It was a beautiful wedding that went off without a hitch.
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