Together, We Light the Way

I AM HERE ONLY TO BE TRULY HELPFUL

A Course In Miracles has a prayer that begins; I am here only to be truly helpful. How can I be truly helpful? What constitutes true help? Have you ever had someone interfere in your life, and when you called them on it they said, ?I was only trying to help?? Have you ever been asked, ?How can I help?? only to have no answer because though you wanted help, you didn?t really know what would help.

A common mistake I have made is to think that it is truly helpful to fix people. I have spent my life thinking that it is my responsibility to fix everyone. I thought that this was being helpful, and a good person. I thought this gave my life purpose.

What I have learned is that when I see another person as needing to be fixed, this is wrong-minded thinking. Now I am learning to trust my brother, to know that he is not his actions, but rather he is perfect as God created him.

I have learned that if I truly want to be helpful, then the most useful thing that I can do is to hold him in the Light. By holding him in the Light, I mean that I never lose sight of his wholeness, of his holiness. I know who he is. He is God?s perfect child. In God he is mighty.

Does this mean that I pretend he is not facing a challenge? Do I turn a blind eye to his pain? No, I honor his story. Yes, he is experiencing himself in pain and I know what that feels like. I know how real it seems and how difficult it is to move out of it.

At the same time, I don?t join him in his illusion by making it real. I don?t believe in his illusion. I don?t believe that this person is a weak, vulnerable creature in need of outside help. God knows how strong and perfect we are. He does not reach down and move us out of the sticky traps we have put ourselves into, because He knows we don?t need Him to do that. If He did this for us, He would be saying that we are weak and needy. If God did believe this about us, it would be true.

Something that I learned listening to a set of tapes by Tom and Linda Carpenter is that anytime I am counseling someone, formally or informally, the moment I think I know the answer, that I know how they can fix this, this is the moment I back off. I know that I have put the ego in charge. I step back, and ask the Holy Spirit to take the lead.

One thing I know for sure-I don’t know what I am supposed to say or do. This is why I always ask Spirit first. I surrender my need to be in charge and to be right. As I do this, I am also releasing my attachment to the outcome. My son called me the other day to tell me that he is having trouble with his landlady, and can’t figure out what to do about it. As he told his story, it did indeed seem that he was justified in his anger and confusion.

He has a window in his apartment that opens from the outside and, for security reasons, he wanted to put some kind of lock on it. She didn?t want him to, and all of her reasons for not doing so were unreasonable. She has such an odd way of looking at things that one doesn?t know how to talk to her. It left Toby feeling confused and vulnerable.

I could easily have joined him in this perception of what was happening. In fact, that is exactly what I did at first. I looked at what seemed to be going on, and saw that his landlady was being unreasonable, and that she was a threat to him. I saw my son in a position of vulnerability and I looked for ways he could defend himself. I made some reassuring comments, and some suggestions on how he could get the upper hand.

As we said goodbye and I put the phone down, I felt uneasy with my response. At first I didn?t realize why. I just knew that I didn?t feel peaceful with what I had said. I asked the Holy Spirit to show me where I went wrong. I was reminded of a message I had recently heard on one of those tapes by Tom and Linda Carpenter. Tom said that any decision made should be of benefit to all.

What could Toby do or say that would fit that description? I asked the Holy Spirit what I could say that would be truly helpful to Toby and to the landlady. I called Toby back and told him that I had a different answer for him. I don?t remember exactly what I told him, but it was something like this. I suggested that he recognize her behavior for what it was; fear. As a matter of fact, Caroline, his girlfriend, had already noted this, and so he had been thinking about it. When people are fearful, calmness and kindness is a better response than retaliation.

I suggested that even when she wasn?t around that he might think of her as she really is, that perfectly created child of Light and Love, and that he could use this time to practice seeing past her fearful actions to the truth of her. This is holding her in the Light. It is the best prayer we can have for someone. It is the solution that benefits everyone.

As we see others we see ourselves. If I think you are lacking in some way, I am teaching myself that I too, can be lacking in this way. What is possible for you is also possible for me. I don?t want to teach you that you are something I don?t want to be. So as Toby is learning that unreasonable is what his landlady is doing, not who she is, he is at the same time teaching himself that neither is he the errors he makes. They both remain as they were created. This is a win-win answer.

I was given a spiritual response and so that is what I gave him. What I told him felt right, but I had no attachment to the outcome. It was not the quick and easy answer I am sure he was looking for in the moment. He listened with interest, but I am not sure he will do it. That?s ok, I fully trust Toby to make his own decisions. Even when he makes decisions that cost him in some way, I trust that these errors are just stepping stones to the place he needs to be. I fully trust him to do just that. I love him enough to allow him to do that. Whatever Toby needs to do to learn his lessons is what I want him to do. This is holding Toby in the Light. The way I can be most helpful to him, in any circumstance is not to be sure he does what I say, but to believe in who he is, and to never mistake what he does for who he is.

Sometimes I feel the need to fix someone because, while I hate to see her suffer, I also recognize that a lot of that pain I feel is caused by my own projections. I see that person doing what I have done in the past and what I am afraid I will do in the future, and I hate that she is mirroring my own nightmares back to me. I even find myself feeling resentment toward her when what she mirrors for me is particularly painful. But on the other hand, I am also able to feel gratitude that I am being shown what needs to be healed in myself, and so can now ask the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking on this.

When someone I care about found herself in desperate financial straits, I wanted to do something to help her through this. The problem was, I didn?t have the kind of money that it would take to do it. Every time I would think about what was happening in her life, I would feel anxious. I kept taking it to the Holy Spirit and asking for another way to see it.
The next morning as I was once again feeling anxious about the situation and asking for help seeing this clearly, I found my mind wandering to my own finances. I was doing OK, but I started thinking about what would happen if I suddenly lost my job, knowing that I am not financially prepared for something like that. What would I do? How would I cope?

Ah, now I understood why I was having so much trouble seeing my friend?s problem clearly. The Holy Spirit was showing me that she was being a mirror in which I could see my own fears plainly-fears I didn?t even realize I had. Now, with this new clarity, I could ask the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking. With my thinking on the subject healed, I was able to see her as healed as well. I was able to be truly helpful to her.

My job is to allow healing for myself. As I am healed, I will be a blessing to the other people in my life. I cannot bless them in this way unless I first accept healing for myself. When they see how happy that makes me, they will just naturally want it for themselves. It is not my job to correct anyone; it is only my job to model for them what has been corrected in myself.

So, when my motivation to help someone flows from a feeling of discomfort, I can recognize that the discomfort is my own, not theirs. When my friend told me that her husband was getting drunk and acting out violently, I felt a flash of anger. I was angry at him for his behavior and at her for staying there and putting up with it. I stepped back for a moment and asked the Holy Spirit why I am feeling so much anger.

I was shown that when I looked at my friend?s situation, I was seeing my own past vulnerability. I saw myself in a similar place and felt my fear and frustration at the situation. I remembered how long I stayed in it and felt stupid. I never want to be in that situation again, and here is my friend showing me how easy it is to get caught up in it again.

I can see that I am not really reacting to my friend; I am reacting to my own feelings. My motivation is mixed. Sure, I want my friend to be happy and safe, but I also want to protect myself from what she is reflecting back to me. My friend is the mirror in which I see something about myself that I don?t like. My secret dark heart that I don?t want anybody to see (including myself) wants to reach out and smash that mirror. Instead, I become invested in trying to fix her so that I don?t have to look at what upsets me.

The solution I chose was to look, with the help of the Holy Spirit, and with complete honesty at what I was feeling. I owned all my feelings, even the ones that I felt embarrassed or ashamed about. I then asked the Holy Spirit to correct my wrong minded thoughts and so to heal my mind.

Now I will have something real to offer my friend. If she sees my joy and my peace she may be motivated to get out of her present situation so she can have that, too. If she is not, then I know that it is OK. I have planted a seed, and someday it may take root. In the meantime, I will do my part and hold her in the Light, knowing the truth about her until she is ready to acknowledge that truth herself.

So how can I be truly helpful? Let me read you the rest of the prayer:

I am here only to be truly helpful.
I am here to represent Him Who sent me.
I do not have to worry about what to say or what
to do, because he who sent me will direct me.
I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing
He goes there with me.
I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal.
ACIM T-2.V.18:2-6

I can be truly helpful by getting my little self out of the way and allowing God to direct me.

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