This is one of the first lessons that I typed out and posted on my wall. I looked at it frequently because recognizing that my thoughts are the source of all that I think I am and that I have control over those thoughts was new to me at that time. It was the most liberating thing that I had ever learned, but took a lot of practice to make it part of my mindset. I still fall back into the habit of thinking that someone or something else sourced my discomfort, and must remind myself that only my thoughts do that. It is absolutely essential that I take responsibility for my thoughts, otherwise how can I give my mind to God? I can’t give what I don’t believe is mine.
I practice this in many ways. I had an interesting experience yesterday. I was driving on a road next to a beautiful lake and admiring the lovely homes built beside it. I began to wonder how the people got to the homes as I could see no driveways from the road. Then I realized that the driveways were there, but you could not see them from the roadway because the drop off was so steep. I have a problem with this. I have learned to live with heights, but have never gotten over my discomfort with them. I am particularly uncomfortable with steep drop offs where you can’t see where you are going. This is the kind of thing that really messes with a control freak.
Lately I have asked the Holy Spirit to help me look at every fear in my mind and so when I realized the driveways went straight down and nearly to the lake (my other unresolved fear is water) I felt the fear coming up. I was tempted to push it down. After all, who wants to go from a great day to a scary day? But I remembered my purpose and let it come over me fully. The fear was very strong. I had not realized how frightened I was because I had learned to control the feelings, but of course that doesn’t make them go away.
It really took my breath away as I thought about turning onto one of those driveways and driving straight down toward the water, protected from a sure and horrible death by height and drowning, only by unreliable car brakes. I told the Holy Spirit that I was willing to be wrong about this. I was willing to be free of the fear of heights and water. I was at least willing to drive by this lake without experiencing fear. Though, I admitted, I didn’t know how to go about changing these thoughts, I knew that He had the answer.
Well, later in the day I needed to get from a very out of the way place to the road home and my customer told me I could save time by taking the ferry across the river. This is not my favorite thing to do, but I had learned to overcome my fear about ferries because it would make my travel almost impossible if I didn’t. I had never been on this ferry but I was tired and wanted to get home so I followed his directions.
Just getting to the ferry was a little strange, in a scary movie kind of way. It was a small windy road next to a levy which holds back enough water to wash away the state. I don’t enjoy knowing that much water is right next to me. There is absolutely no one else on this windy out of the way road that gets smaller and smaller until it is just a gravel road. So I was feeling vaguely uneasy when I got to the turn off for the ferry, which by the way, wasn’t even marked. I guess you just have to know it is there if you want to use it.
As soon as I turned onto the road I knew I was in trouble. It goes up at an angle and then drops off into nothingness at which point I assume is the water that has been held back by the levy all these miles. I parked my car partway up to the drop off and walked gingerly toward it. Yep, I was right; straight down into the river. Oh boy! I could only wonder if it was too late to take back my decision to change my mind about my fears of heights and water!
Too late, here comes the ferry which crosses only when it sees a car waiting. So I sat there and talked to Holy Spirit. I told Him that I was still willing to do this without fear and asked Him to show me how to do it. He has a great since of humor because He reminded me that only this morning I had decided to not only release fear thoughts, but to accept joy and to live my life with a sense of fun and adventure.
Was He kidding?! I was supposed to drive down that steep drop off straight toward the water and hope I didn’t miss the ferry and plunge into a watery death? And, I was supposed to have fun doing it? Not only that but I was looking at the oldest most rickety ferry I had ever seen. Well, the only thing to do was to be willing to release my fear thoughts. They are my thoughts and I can keep them or I can choose a different Teacher, and I had made that choice.
The thought that I was given was to practice being completely present. This is the opposite of what I usually do in these situations. Generally, I put my mind someplace else when I am uncomfortable. But my guidance was clearly to be present. I am glad I have been practicing this because it made it easier. I noticed that I am experiencing myself in a body and that body is sitting in a car on a boat in a large body of water. I felt my weight against the car seat. I noticed how it felt to be moving on the water and the water splashing up against the side of the ferry. I noticed my feelings and was surprised to find that I was enjoying myself! Well, maybe the Holy Spirit knows what He is doing after all.
I am ever amazed at how beautifully my life unfolds as I walk steadily onward toward truth. I am given everything I need to take the next step. Each experience is an opportunity to go home. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for showing me the way.
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