2-8-11
This morning may be the first time ever that I answered, without hesitation or thought, the question, “If guilt is hell, what is its opposite?” The word that came into my awareness unbidden by the ego thinking mind was innocence. I am not guilty because I am innocent. You are not guilty because you are innocent. Innocence is Heaven. As I stand on that firm ground, that unchanging, unshifting ground, everything else falls gently into place.
I notice a thought in the mind that says I should have remembered my brother’s birthday. I feel guilt arise from believing and entertaining that thought. My obvious interest in guilty thoughts invites more of them into my mind and soon I am awash in guilt. It all happens very quickly, so quickly that it seems to be happening to me, rather than by me.
Recently, my vigilant practice has lifted me from those shifting sands and placed me on firmer ground. I have been using the mantra, “I am that I am.” And sometimes, “I am that I am, and I am nothing else.” I use the mantra as a constant reminder of my truth. I use it to break the cycle of guilty thinking. This morning I realize that this mantra is saying the same thing as today’s lesson. My holiness is my salvation. Both are excellent mantras with the same meaning. So is, “I am as God created me.” These words all remind me that I am not guilty, I am innocent.
Standing on this firm ground of innocence, when the thought appears that I should have remembered my brother’s birthday, I notice it and allow it to leave my mind. I do not give it my attention because I am not interested in entertaining guilt. I am not as enamored of guilt as I once was. I have not given it up completely, but I am more interested in letting it go than I am in feeding it with my faith. It has begun to starve from lack of attention.
As I continue this practice (which has been greatly helped by listening to the Inner Ramana Teachings as I drive all day in my job, or work around the house on weekends) something very interesting and wonderful is happening. I have begun to laugh at the idea of listening to the mind. I will be experiencing a perfect moment. Absolutely everything is perfect. There is nothing in that moment to complain about, worry about, or regret. The ego mind will offer me an objection; dredge up a memory from the past of an error that feels shameful, or, if I am not interested in those, it will invent some worry about the future.
If I give this ridiculous parade of thoughts my attention and concern the perfection of the moment dissolves into pain, sorrow, anger, fear; actually it doesn’t matter which of these because they are all the same. They are different forms of the same effect. Guilt has appeared as a thought in the mind and if embraced as true, its effect is lack of peace. The story doesn’t matter. The form of the effect doesn’t matter. Lack of peace is lack of peace.
The funny part, the part that makes me laugh is that I have begun to see the absurdity of believing my thoughts. I have to ask myself why on earth I ever gave these thoughts credence. As I think about it I laugh out loud! In the past the ego would say, “Here’s a reason to feel guilty.” And I would dutifully respond, “Oh yes, I see. Give me another memory to reinforce that guilt.”
I didn’t use those words, of course. After all, that wouldn’t be part of the game I play with the ego. In order to sustain the existence of the ego I have to pretend that I don’t know what is going on. But now that I have chosen to break that incredibly painful and destructive cycle and to call the ego on its game, I am having a lot of trouble taking it seriously. Thus I am going around laughing like a loon at unexpected moments.
I am looking forward to another day of watching the ego dissolve in my laughter. My visual is of the wicked witch of the west melting as Dorothy pours water on her. “Oh nooo!” In the story, the witch was terrifying and dangerous to Dorothy, and yet, in the end she was of such little substance that she could be dissolved by simple water. Guilt is much the same, it seems. It dissolves in the face of a simple mantra, and a gleeful laugh.
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