When I noticed that I was feeling guilty for feeling guilty I knew that the ego had lured me into one of its crazy cycles with no exit. And when I notice that my thoughts are indicative of a false belief I am holding in my mind and I feel guilty or helpless in its grip, I know that , once again, I’ve stepped into the ego’s endless loop of guilt.
For the last couple of days I had been feeling sad, and mildly anxious. At first I wasn’t sure what story had hooked me, but when I examined my thoughts I realized it was the story of my daughter changing our special relationship. She has a boyfriend now and they have hit it off in a big way. This relationship could lead to her moving to be with him. I live on the same piece of property she does so the ego interprets this as meaning she is leaving me for him.
When I realized what was going on with me and really looked at this, it was pretty embarrassing to me. I’m sixty years old. I have lived alone for ten years and like my life. She is thirty-eight years old and has been independent for a long time. I feel ridiculous about the whole thing. Of course, if I hold the belief of loss and special relationships in my mind then I will feel these things when one of those special relationships changes. That’s just how it is.
I was also feeling guilty because my feelings imply I would have her stay alone and single so that she would remain near me. This is doubly ridiculous because even though she does live just a few steps away from me we don’t see each other very often, maybe only a couple of times a week and some weeks it is only in passing. I like that she is there, though, and I can now see my grandkids when I want to, so that relationship will change, too.
I asked the Holy Spirit to look with me as I examined my thoughts and my emotional reaction to them. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. The thought that came clearly into my mind is, “this is perfect.” At first I didn’t understand and so I sat with it awhile. Suddenly I got it. I have asked the Holy Spirit to transform my special relationships so that they will be holy relationships. How else could this happen except to see the specialness in them and to choose to have this healed. That is all that is happening here. It is my request being fulfilled. It’s perfect.
I also asked the Holy Spirit to show me everything in my mind that needs to be healed so that I can awaken. This is being done as well, as I have asked. I see the belief in lack and loss as I look at this. I see the belief that I could truly be separate from all others and be alone. This is absolutely what I asked for and absolutely perfect. It only appeared to be painful because I asked the ego what it meant. Of course, he showed me guilt because that is what he knows.
Here is the way the Holy Spirit helped me to see this more clearly. I saw myself working on an assembly line. My job was to examine each part that came out and when I saw one that didn’t look right I was to take it off the line. It wasn’t my fault a piece was not as it should be, but it was my responsibility to spot it. I wouldn’t feel guilty because it was malformed, I would just remove it.
It’s the same way with my thoughts. I don’t create thoughts; they simply arise into my awareness. Most of them simply pass through my mind and I let them go on. They hold no emotional charge for me. They don’t hook me. Some of them do get my attention and I react to them. These are the ones I believe. But none of them are my creation. I have no more reason to feel guilty they are passing through than I would have reason to feel guilty about a damaged part passing by on that imaginary assembly line. But just as on the assembly line it is my responsibility to spot it.
After seeing my special relationship problem in this new light I was able to use it for healing rather than to feel victim to the circumstances. Yesterday when I visited Sheryl’s house Barry was there. What I noticed is that I felt like crying and so I let the tears come. The reaction came and went. I invited them to eat supper with me, and cooked shrimp stew for them. This morning I notice that I am not reacting to the situation. Perhaps I am through with it. I remain open in case there is more to heal. It’s perfect.
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