Learning to See My Body Differently
I’m using the Course to learn that all the special forms I love (and hate) and that fill my time so completely are just barriers I have put in place to keep me in this world, tied to these illusions. I have made them real and essential to my existence. This is a belief I am changing my mind about because I want to know that these forms are not real.When I am successful in removing these barriers, I will see that God is on the other side and nothing at all is here. This is my life purpose; to use the Course to see my world as the illusion it is, to use the simple steps and processes it offers to release me from my belief in these illusions and to then cross the bridge into reality.
In thinking about my special relationships with forms, I realize that I most identify myself with my body. It is very hard to see myself without my body and to imagine who I would be without it. I think of my body as my chief learning device. What an excellent distraction it is! I spend endless amounts of time decorating it, dressing it, pampering it. I must really love this form.
Well, maybe not. In fact, I would say that this is a true love/hate relationship. I am never happy with this body and yet I carefully guard and look after it. Not only am I spending ridiculous amounts of time in the care of this body, I am using it as a repository for guilt. I also use it as a weapon to attack my brother. Well indeed, my body is an excellent distraction, a barrier I use to keep me from Heaven.
Another favorite distraction is food. This is another love/hate relationship. It doesn’t matter if I am in the love phase (sinking my teeth into a rich delicious chocolate candy) or the hate phase (stepping on the scales after the candy) I spend much time thinking about food. I think some foods are necessary to save me from illness, while some foods contribute to illness. I have a diet I believe will save me from having to buy a whole new wardrobe, a size up. I love the diet for what I believe it does for me, I hate it for what I think it deprives me of. There is plenty of fodder for guilt, fear, anger in the whole food thing. Another excellent distraction. Another barrier to Heaven.
When I am upset because I’ve gained weight, I have always blamed it on my body as if my mind had nothing to do with it, as if my body could act independently of my mind. The same with illness. I then feel rage against my body. I have even said in frustration, “I hate my body.” It is really amazing how I have managed to make my body guilty of every poor choice I make. If I am not making my body guilty, I am making someone elses body guilty.
I’m starting to see this differently now. I have started asking the Holy Spirit to look with me at my emotional response to my body and to heal the thoughts that cause this emotion. I have used my body as a distraction and as an anchor to keep me in the illusion, but the Holy Spirit can use it to bing me to the Light. Now that I am asking Him to heal my thoughts, I am starting to regard my body differently. Instead of feeling like it is my enemy, the cause of all my problems and the anchor which holds me here, I am starting to see it as the school room where I am learning that form is an illusion. What I have used to imprison myself, the Holy Spirit is using for my release.
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