The past is a lifetime ago, a year ago, even a moment ago. No matter what I said or thought or did, it is over. I feel guilt only if I insist on dragging the past around with me like a wet bag of sand. Each moment is brand new if that is what I choose. My life is recreated with each thought I have and it will be recreated differently if I choose different thoughts. This is why it so important that I notice my thoughts, take responsibility for them and for their effects, and then ask the Holy Spirit for a different way to see. I do not want to continue as I have been by thinking the same thoughts, making the same judgments. I am ready to be wrong about everything I think I know and to allow the Holy Spirit to replace it all with the truth.
I wonder what it would be like to release the past completely and to see each one in my life as if they were brand new to me. I don’t mean that I would forget everything about them; that would be Alzheimer’s. I mean, what would it be like to see each person as if they had never attacked me, never hurt my feelings, never disagreed with me, never abandoned me.
I was thinking about my father. When I think about him I think about all the labels I have given him. He was an alcoholic. He made our lives miserable and then abandoned us. He made me special then betrayed my specialness. When he wasn’t drinking he was the best dad in the world and somehow that made his drinking behavior all the more painful; his betrayal all the more unforgivable. He was a gifted speaker, a songwriter and singer. His heart was open and child-like, he was playful and fun. Though he had little follow through, he had the capacity to dream things others could not fathom.
What if I could withdraw all my projections and surrender my perceptions. What if I could allow myself to see him without the armor of my judgments. Who would this man be? I imagine him not as my father, but as another brother using his ego story to help him wake up. I see him walking his path through addictions and mental illness. I see him trying on this mask and that one looking for something that fits, something that brings happiness and peace.
I see him presenting me with opportunities to look through my bag of ego tricks, to try first this one and then that one, to discard each as it does not work. I see him moving on to his next rendezvous in this play and me moving onto mine. Where is the attack now? Where is the betrayal, the abandonment? From this forgiven perspective I meet him again and I see him without those labels, those judgments, those projections, all that I had created as his past, and now I see only the innocent Christ.
Holy Spirit, what if I could do this for each person I encounter? What if I could withdraw each judgment, even as I make it, and withdraw it so completely that it leaves not a stain upon their visage so that each encounter with that person is brand new, completely untainted by the last encounter. What if I could encounter a brother on the street and he knock me to the ground and yet I see only my innocent self interacting with my innocent self? Could I ever be so free of judgment that the past would not follow me around? Could I encounter that person later and not flinch? If I can see it in my mind, I can live it in my life.
Holy Spirit: Do you feel the fear and resistance at this thought, my friend? Allow yourself to do so. Don’t try to bury it. (I stop for a moment and feel the fear and doubt. I notice I feel overwhelmed and think it is too much to even try. It feels hopeless.) Those feelings, dear one, are the ego defenses designed to keep you forever in its world of separation. The ego warns you that you are being asked to go naked and unprotected into a dangerous world. You do not have to believe its lies.
Today you will encounter many people on whom you have projected a history. Do not try to see them without this history. Do not try to do anything. As you meet them simply ask Me to show you what I see. Does this feel doable to you? Does this feel overwhelming and frightening?
Me: (I smile and then laugh.) Holy Spirit, I keep forgetting how easy this is. I keep forgetting that God is not asking for sacrifice. I can do this and I want to do this. Thank you.
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