I read this from the lesson: Let me realize today that the problem is always some form of grievance that I would cherish. Let me also understand that the solution is always a miracle with which I let the grievance be replaced.
I thought about something that happened yesterday. I was driving along minding my own business when suddenly, and with no warning, I attacked my peace with a memory of something I did a long time ago that causes me shame and embarrassment even today. This is not the first time this has happened, even with this same thought.
My first reaction is always to put the memory aside so I don’t have to think about it. But for some years now I have stopped myself from doing that, and have looked at it with the Holy Spirit, asking that I be healed. Each time I thought it was done, that I no longer would feel shame when that memory arose. When it rose in my mind yesterday and I felt those same regrets I couldn’t believe it. I asked Holy Spirit just how long it was going to take to be through with this, and why couldn’t I let it go. It wasn’t even something important, but rather a petty reaction to some insignificant moment in my life, and yet every time I thought of it I felt shamed. What’s the deal, Holy Spirit?
Here (more or less) is what came into my mind.
I cannot let this go. It must be unforgivable.
Ha ha ha. That’s ridiculous. It wasn’t even all that important.
It happened. You did it and you can’t take it back. You are guilty. You will always be guilty. There is no forgiveness for this. That is why you cannot let it go.
Holding onto this guilty thought is keeping me from waking up.
Oh, my God. Thank you for showing me that. I don’t want this guilt. I want to wake up.
Holy Spirit: Now you see what the ego was really saying to you. You didn’t acknowledge this message before because it frightened you too much. The reason it frightened you is because you believed it. So you hid the message from yourself, but you could not hide the effect of the fear. The fear that your error was unforgivable kept you from truly looking at it with Me and thus kept it in your mind, where it periodically jumped up to terrorize you. This time, Myron, you truly wanted this clarity and so it was yours.
Me: Holy Spirit, thank you so much. My gratitude is so big I can barely contain it.
I would like to share with you the guilty memory that I allowed to hold me hostage for so long, but I cannot even remember what it was. It is a miracle.
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