Lately I have been very mindful of the treasures to be found in my everyday life. And I have been very mindful of the gifts that come through my apparent “enemies” that is, those who seem to attack in many ways during the course of a day. You know the ones; the clerk at the store who rolls her eyes when you can’t immediately find the right change, and the impatient man standing next in line who keeps looking at his watch. There is the kid driving recklessly who nearly hits you because he isn’t paying as much attention to you as he is to his radio dial. The list is endless on some days.
Its easy enough to see the gifts that seem like gifts but not so easy to see the gifts that come wrapped in frustration, anger, fear and guilt. NTI Colossians, Chapter 3 says this:
Look on all that you see and love it, but do not identify with it. It is not your truth or your reality. It is a reflection of your thought.
Be grateful for the love that you find. Embrace it. But also be grateful for the reflection that seems not to be love, for it is what it seems not to be. It comes to you in love and grace to show you what you have thought, that you may choose again. NTI Colossians 3:18-25
As I reflect on this verse I see I need to read this slowly and thoughtfully. It begins by telling me to look on all I see. There are times when I turn my attention from unpleasantness so quickly that it is almost as if I am unaware of it. I say almost, because in truth I miss nothing and so I am aware, I have judged (or why would I have turned from it) and it is affecting me. I am the ostrich with my head in the sand thinking that what goes unacknowledged by me cannot hurt me. Not true.
Why is it important for me to look on all I see and how do I do that? What I am unwilling to acknowledge cannot be healed by the Holy Spirit because the Holy Spirit never imposes on me what I do not want. How can I truly ask for healing if I am unwilling to see what needs to be healed. My experience has been that vigilance is the key to heaven; vigilance for my thoughts, my beliefs, and my actions.
The other day I stopped at a convenience store and bought some water. While there I bought a Moon Pie. This is unusual for me because I don’t usually eat sweets and when I do, I save it for the really good stuff, like homemade pastries. But I really wanted something sweet and I really wanted that Moon Pie. As I picked it up I asked the Holy Spirit why I wanted this. I bought the pie and ate it.
As I sat in the car contemplating the number of calories in a Moon Pie and wondering what happened, I thought that it didn’t do me much good to be vigilant for my thoughts in this case. I still ate the Moon Pie. But I was wrong. The next day while talking to a friend I received my answer. Before I bought the Moon Pie I had been feeling guilty about something going on in my life, and I had been believing something that wasn’t true. Guilt very quickly triggers addictive behavior. There wasn’t a Dillards nearby so I indulged my other addiction which is sugar.
That was an example of looking at what I see. I saw myself buying something I would not normally by and I really looked at that behavior and asked Holy Spirit for clarity. So how do I love it without identifying with it? Sitting in the car I didn’t love it, but I was definitely identifying with it.
Now looking back at it with my question answered I see some things more clearly. I love whatever is happening right now. When I don’t love it I am resisting and resisting is painful. Eating that Moon Pie was simply a reflection of the thought that I felt guilty. When I believe these kinds of thoughts I react in certain ways and this is one of them. How perfect is that?!
It is like a red flag I wave before my own face telling me that I need to pay attention. Something is going on in the back room of my mind and I need to see it. This is why I love it. Everything is a reflection of my thoughts and how I experience that reflection is up to me. I can love “all that is” and allow the Holy Spirit to show me the gift it brings me, or I can resist and fight it and reinforce the ego belief in separation. It is ok for me to choose either course, it is my right as the perfectly free Son of God to do it either way I want.
As I make the choice for ego over and over again I will eventually begin to notice that it hurts. Every time I choose separation it hurts. The very act of choosing separation is an attack on myself and it will bring me pain. Then it becomes a matter of how much more pain I am willing to suffer in order to experience separation.
How about the identity part? Where does that come in? While I was sitting there in the car thinking that I should not have eaten the Moon Pie and that I was weak willed, I was identifying with the action. I was thinking that I am a person who cannot control her own urges. I am a person who is guilty and my guilt is written all over my body in fat cells. That is identifying with what I see.
I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are not even personal. They are just recycled thoughts that have passed through mind since time was made for the purpose of separation. A thought floats out of your mind and into my mind. I can watch it as it goes on through to someone else’s mind, or I can grab it and say, “That’s me.” When the thought went through my mind that eating a Moon Pie means that I am less than, I grabbed hold of it and claimed it as the truth about me. I identified with that thought.
There are other things I can do with these floating thoughts. I can let it go on by and watch the next thought that comes through. Or I can look at the thought with the Holy Spirit and ask that it be healed. Just as thoughts are not personal, neither is healing. It doesn’t matter who heals a thought so it may as well be me. There is only one mind and one thinker.
I am learning to love “what is” regardless of how it appears in my life. The clerk who rolls her eyes as I dig around in my purse for the correct change used to be my receptacle for shame. She rolled her eyes and I felt less than. I identified with the thought and saw myself as inept, disorganized, and someone people would rather not be around. I projected those feeling onto her and decided it was her fault I felt like this. She was the guilty one. What an awful way to live, always attack and defend, attack and defend.
As I really look at this woman I see something different. I see my sister offering me the gift of enlightenment. I see her holding out her hand and winking at the joke that she could attack me and I could ever need to defend against her. I laugh at the humor of the charade we engage in.
“Sister, I have pretended you are my enemy and you have pretended I am yours. What a story we are sharing. But it is an old story, played out so many times and I am tiring of it. I am going to add a new element. I am going to look through the story to the love beneath it. I wonder how that will change things. Thanks for playing your part so that I could reach this moment in my awakening. I am eternally grateful.”
And if I choose differently, if I choose to see only the story and to believe the story, I can love that too.
Chapter 3 of Colossians ends with these words: Praise your mistakes, that they may be corrected. For it is only in praise and acceptance that the truth may be known.
I can love “all that is” including my mistakes. Nothing was ever healed through fighting it, or hating it. I embrace my mistakes, I love them, honor them. They are the steps I took to get where I am right now. And if I choose not to correct them today, they will return tomorrow, gift in hand so that I may make another choice. How could I not love them?
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