A. Development of Trust, P 7
7 The next stage is indeed “a period of unsettling.” Now must the teacher of God understand that he did not really know what was valuable and what was valueless. All that he really learned so far was that he did not want the valueless, and that he did want the valuable. Yet his own sorting out was meaningless in teaching him the difference. The idea of sacrifice, so central to his own thought system, had made it impossible for him to judge. He thought he learned willingness, but now he sees that he does not know what the willingness is for. And now he must attain a state that may remain impossible to reach for a long, long time. He must learn to lay all judgment aside, and ask only what he really wants in every circumstance. Were not each step in this direction so heavily reinforced, it would be hard indeed!
Journal
That period of unsettling is really a bitch. It is difficult and often painful. It is frustrating beyond words. If this hasn’t been your experience so far, then you may not yet be to this stage. We think that we have done the work of sorting and discarding only to discover that we have mostly been working with the ego mind. Now we must surrender if we are to go further.
I have been at this stage for a very long time. I have brought my thoughts to the Holy Spirit to be corrected. I have taken them back and brought them again. I came to understand what it means to believe that relinquishing these beliefs is a sacrifice, and then finally I have come to understand that I was wrong about that.
I have gone through stages of healing, thinking that I had accomplished forgiveness and then realizing I had only delayed it through projection or denial. I finally learned to turn all judgments around, to understand that none of them were about the other person, but about my thoughts about the person. I learned to forgive myself. And through the process, I have learned there is no other to forgive.
I have learned that my life isn’t about my life. It is about my purpose. My life is just a handy way for me to see what is left to be healed. I have learned that I am not what I thought I was. I am in the process of shattering this ego persona, letting go of the “me” that I have for so long identified as self. In so doing, I am making room for the self that I truly am to rise in my awareness.
I went through the process of believing that I had given up a belief only to discover that I wasn’t interested in giving it up, only in being free of the effects of the belief. And finally, I accept that I cannot have freedom from the effects unless I give up the belief. I have cried and cursed and fought the inevitable. And at last, I have reached a degree of peace I had never experienced, and have done so through surrender.
I have surrendered and surrendered again and then surrendered more deeply as I discovered the true meaning of surrender. I began to see the promises of A Course in Miracles and to believe in those promises. The words of the Course are like jewels bestowed on me, miracles showering down on me. I have no way to describe my gratitude, as it is boundless. And still, I am in the period of unsettling, but it is gentler and I see an end to this period. I can now envision a period of achievement and I know I am entering that, though not yet in it.
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