7. SHOULD HEALING BE REPEATED? P 4
4 One of the most difficult temptations to recognize is that to doubt a healing because of the appearance of continuing symptoms is a mistake in the form of lack of trust. As such it is an attack. Usually it seems to be just the opposite. It does appear unreasonable at first to be told that continued concern is attack. It has all the appearances of love. Yet love without trust is impossible, and doubt and trust cannot coexist. And hate must be the opposite of love, regardless of the form it takes. Doubt not the gift and it is impossible to doubt its result. This is the certainty that gives God’s teachers the power to be miracle workers, for they have put their trust in Him.
When I read this section, I think about the time my son was very sick. I prayed for his healing, and was discouraged because his symptoms continued. I became confused and thought I had not prayed right or that my prayer was not being answered. My confusion came from thinking I knew how the prayer should be answered. It also came because I forgot that I was praying that my son’s my mind be healed, and so was looking to his body for proof. I was also insisting he accept the healing whether he was ready for it or not.
While he was still experiencing symptoms, he would call me to talk about it. He was so sick and was also afraid because he didn’t know what was wrong or what to do about it. I felt really bad for him and expressed my concern because that is what love does. But is that true? Does love doubt? Does love fear? What if I put my fear and doubt into words? What if I gave my feelings words? It would sound like this:
“Toby, you want to be whole and perfect but I don’t see that happening for you. You just don’t seem willing to accept this. Maybe if you were stronger and less vulnerable. Maybe if you were not so weak. As it is, I have prayed and prayed and you just won’t get well. I’m started to feel like you are proof that my prayers are inadequate, and I resent this. I’m tired of feeling helpless before your helplessness and fearful before your fearfulness. Please get well or stop torturing me with your stories of refusing to get well. Oh God, what a horrible mom I am. I can’t help you and now I resent you.”
Of course, I didn’t say these words or even think them, or at least I didn’t let myself realize I was thinking them. That’s a nifty trick of the ego, that instant amnesia when the thoughts are too revealing. But even without my active participation in the thoughts, they do their job of keeping me in hell. And looking at them like this, seeing what it means to doubt a healing, I have no trouble understanding what Jesus tells us. Continued concern is attack, not love. If doubt is not love, and clearly it isn’t, then it must be hate.
I came back to this situation because it is a very clear example of an unhealed healer attempting to heal. When finally, through surrender I prayed truly with my friends, I received a healing. It was my own healing. I let go of the need to see any change in my precious son. I let go of the need to see him meet my expectations, and gave him, instead, the gift of my acceptance. I released him to be sick or even to die if that was important to his lesson. This was my healing. His followed shortly after.
I often write about this situation because it was such a profound healing for me and was rich with many lessons that transfer in my life to other situations. When it happened, I didn’t see how all the lessons at once; I only felt the deep peace that comes from healing. I see that all my errors stemmed from one. I doubted the gift. I doubted its Source. As Jesus says:
“Doubt not the gift and it is impossible to doubt its result. This is the certainty that gives God’s teachers the power to be miracle workers, for they have put their trust in Him.”
Does this mean that to be a healer, we must be completely healed? Not at all. We all have moments of clarity and in those moments, we are healers. If we use the body’s eyes to detect proof of healing we have moved into doubt and now the healer becomes the patient. We can then correct the problem by surrendering to the Holy Spirit and once again remembering that we are instruments of healing.
That we retreat back into fear does not negate the moment when we were in Love. And neither is it a lost moment because the feeling of being even a shadow of the true self is a powerful inducement to continue the practices. Failing to stay in a more awakened state is not a failure at all, just another step toward total realization, as we use it to ask for healing.
“Holy Spirit, please help us to remember Who it is that heals. When we are tempted to think the personality self is doing this, shake us awake. OK? Then we’ll have a good laugh.”
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