A. Development of Trust, P 8
8 And finally, there is “a period of achievement.” It is here that learning is consolidated. Now what was seen as merely shadows before become solid gains, to be counted on in all “emergencies” as well as tranquil times. Indeed, the tranquility is their result; the outcome of honest learning, consistency of thought and full transfer. This is the stage of real peace, for here is Heaven’s state fully reflected. From here, the way to Heaven is open and easy. In fact, it is here. Who would “go” anywhere, if peace of mind is already complete? And who would seek to change tranquility for something more desirable? What could be more desirable than this?
For a long time, I had periods of undisturbed peace and I had times when joy simply welled up in me, joy that is not attached to anything, that simply was. For a very long time, the peace and the joy didn’t last. I would suddenly feel anxious or sad or guilty. There seemed always to be a reason for this, something that happened in my life that pulled me out of this happy state.
Of course, this could not be the case. I don’t actually react to what happens in my life. What happens in my life is a direct result of what happens in my mind. I then create the fiction that I don’t know why life picks on me, and I am just the innocent victim of circumstances. But I knew better, even as I lied to myself there was a place in me that knew better. I alone am responsible for everything in my life, so it must be that I kicked myself out of paradise. Again.
I’ve been teaching from The Obstacles to Peace, specifically, The Fear of God, and this week we were on The Lifting of the Veil. We stand before the veil that seems to hide from us the face of Christ, and yet we do not move it aside. We stand trembling in terror at the fear of God. And yet, this is what we have come for, to move the veil aside and remember God.
What remains undone? How do we overcome the fear of God? This is what the Course tells us.
Before complete forgiveness you still stand unforgiving. You are afraid of God because you fear your brother. Those you do not forgive you fear. And no one reaches love with fear beside him.
And so, I saw that my learning was not complete, my beliefs were not consistent if I still looked on my brother from time to time and saw him as the enemy. I realized that I would not awaken while I look at him with the body’s eyes and believed what they told me, completely forgetting that they only report back to me what I want to see.
I had to accept that I and I alone am responsible for everything in my life and I had to forgive all grievances if I were ever to awaken. I did this. I forgave the idea that there was anything to forgive. I forgave the idea that guilt is real. My final forgiveness was to release the guilt I held against myself and I did that with the help of Jesus. When that was done, when that miracle occurred, everything changed.
I awoke to the realization that this is not my life and I am not this character. Sure, I had been learning and teaching this for years and I believed it, but believing something is true is not the same as knowing it is true. The ego mind is like a clingy ex-boyfriend and tries to re-establish our relationship any time I give it a chance, so I have to remain vigilant for its insane thoughts. It’s not hard to reject them anymore because I’m not fooled by them and not interested. This state of being while in the world is worth everything it took to get here.
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