Usually around 10-12 we have the first stirrings of the desire to
know who we really are, but there is much to do within the world,
much to learn and so we set it aside. The same questions emerge
around mid-twenties, but again we are busy establishing ourselves in
the world, and it is often in the mid thirties or forties that the
questions begin to press upon us. We now have more time, less urgent
business within the world.
I followed this pattern myself. I was involved in religion before
that but it was a very fear based exercise. In my thirties I became
interested in God and in who I was and why I was here. By the time I
was 33 I found A Course in Miracles. However, I moved slowly through
it and used life to distract me frequently. I began reawakening to my
purpose when I approached 50. It was as if a switch had been thrown.
At 50 there was an internal prompting, as if something said, “OK, now
it is time.” This is when I found Pathways of Light and began my
ministerial studies. From that point on I felt like something within
me knew something I did not know. I would think that becoming a
minister was crazy, but then I would feel this knowing that I was
doing what I needed to do. I would doubt everything I was remembering
about the truth, and become very afraid, but then I would just know
it was alright.
I can see that there is the ego thought system of separation within
the mind which drives us for a long time as we establish our lives,
but the Memory of God, the Holy Spirit, is there as well gently
reminding us of something else. When the time is right, the reminders
are more interesting to us and we listen more closely, according to
our readiness.
At first I looked back on my life and thought about all the time I
had wasted and wished I had done better. But I understand now that I
was doing my work even while nearly completely unconscious. All of
those times when I chose to listen to ego, I was giving myself the
experiences I needed to decide what I really desired. Did I like the
way my life had gone? Did it feel good when I lost my temper, or
treated someone like they didn’t matter? Were my special
relationships fulfilling and did they bring me happiness? Now that I
had this wealth of experience, I could continue as I was, or decide
that this was not working and that I wanted to listen to the other
Teacher.
When I saw how all things really do work for good, I stopped fighting
the ego and thinking of it as enemy. It is simply the way I keep the
illusion of being separate from God going. I am not at war with it
and it stands no chance of taking me somewhere I don’t already want
to go. The only thing left to do is to back out of that thought
system by noticing where I use it in my life and deciding
differently. This is a really radically different way for me to look
at it, but it feels right to me. And it seems to work better and make
for a happier life without all the tension of being forever at war
with a part of myself
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